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Young Writers Society


Language

Chapter 3, Part 1 Untitled

by klennon14


Landon

The next week is filled with blood sweat and tears, mostly dripping from Ronnie’s every orifice. I’m more of an observer, admittedly.

When the girl tells you she is going to work at something, she means she’s going to obsess over it, practice it, memorize it up and down until she gets it right. There’s no teetering on middle ground for Ron. There is only such thing as mastering every task she’s handed.

We’re sitting cross-legged in the control room downstairs. Her knee is pressed up against mine, and she’s practicing more code on a new laptop. It’s her niche, and I knew it would be. She’s smart, but she doesn’t understand the extent of her intelligence. Ronnie’s come much farther than anyone has in the history of first weeks at the facility.

The secret I’m hiding from her is bound to come out eventually though. It’s eating away at my stomach, my heart, my mind- it’s going to devour me if I don’t unleash it soon. I should listen to Dave, but my instincts are telling me that this situation is about to get sticky and sloppy. If I don’t tell her now, before it’s too late, how will she be able to trust me again?

“Ronnie,” I fumble for words, “there’s something you need to know about this facility before we go any further.”

“What do you mean?” she eyes me with suspicion.

“I-“ a cat scratches its way up my throat with its razor claws, tearing and slashing at my single airway, “Dave- he…there’s something neither of us told you that we should have. We should have days ago, but we just-“

Right as I am about to flip the lid off of the trembling bottle of secrets in my hands, the alarm echoes off the hollow walls of the building.

“What the hell is that?”

“A red alert signal,” I sigh, “it means a Rebel attack is being initiated.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, that’s what I was trying to tell you just a second-“

Dave comes barreling in then flailing around like a crazy person.

“It’s too close! Too close for any God damn comfort, people!”

“Where?” I fire up my tablet, and type in the address that Dave relays to me.

“Another school?” I breathe out exasperated, “you have got to be kidding me.”

“Landon!” Ronnie interjects angrily, “Mind filling me in here or what?”

Dave nods to me with a wary look in his eyes, and I know that this isn’t the right time.

“We have surveillance footage of the culprit setting up an attack plan in a shut down classroom. They’re remodeling the school, so the room’s been abandoned for a while.” Dave lies smoothly, “Problem is, the school’s in session right now and the explosive, which we don’t have many details on yet, is set to go off at a random time. So, it’s time to get a move on.”

Ronnie’s already grabbed the keys to the hummer out back, and took the liberty of throwing on a fully ample jacket, filled with weapons, basic gear and all.

”Well, then why are we standing around like a bunch of pansy cakes? Let’s go!”

“That’s our girl,” Dave says like a proud father.

A few others throw on their utility jackets and start sprinting out of the building. Dave, Ronnie and I follow their lead and hop into the car outside.

“I’m driving,” Ronnie tells us.

“You sure?” I question her.

“I have to learn how to work this baby sometime, right?”

“What’s a better time than now?” Dave chuckles in the back.

He’s typing away on his laptop, probably trying to hack through the explosive’s software.

“Any luck back there?” I glance over at Dave.

“Ain’t coming up with anything,” he rubs the stubble lining his clenched jaw, “these assholes sure have a secure system.”

“Only way to solve this problem is physically being there. At least it sounds that way. Shouldn’t someone call the school?” Ronnie asks.

“Not yet. The parents will lose their shit and hit the panic button. We have at least a few hours if this software is in any way accurate. It’s only a couple minute drive.”

“But, Dave-“

“We’ll handle it, Landon,” he grits through his teeth, “now is not the time.”

I shut my mouth. We should call the school. The only problem is the Rebel who is in charge of this scenario must be staked out inside of the school, waiting for the firework show to begin. And that Rebel may be a person we’re in contact with.

“Guys, where do I turn?”

“Left, then a sharp right and head straight for a while.”

I stare at Ronnie and wonder what she will think of me after I tell her the truth. That we have teamed up with the Rebels, but their unaware our alliance being a plot to take them down. Will she just peg me as one of them? Will she want to be an agent still? Will she be able to look me in the eye the same way she has since day one?

I’ve only known Ronnie seriously for two weeks, give or take, but it’s felt like centuries. I feel like she’s been a part of me for years, but it took this long for us to finally catch up. I hope she doesn’t think I’m nuts for loving her this much already, I mean-

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I’m falling in love with her.

I love Ronnie.

“Earth to Landon!” Ronnie shouts in my ear.

She smiles when she realizes I’ve been startled shitless, but then nods solemnly at the school. We’re parked only feet away.

”Landon,” Dave eyes me, “you know what the plan is.”

I nod my head once and take Ronnie’s hand.

“You don’t have to go in,”

“I’ve come this far,” she slips away from me, “so I can’t stop now.”

She’s way ahead of us, and hangs low, scoping out the school.

“Seems clear,” Ron gives us a thumbs up as we catch up behind her.

“Act natural. Our goal is to pull the fire alarm, fully evacuate the school then lock every damn door there is to lock. Understood, kids?”

“Sir, yes, sir,” Ronnie salutes Dave.

She trots into the school and we fall behind her.

The lady at the front desk gives us a smile and we return the gesture.

“Just dropping the kids off from an appointment,” Dave mumbles as we pass by.

“You’ll need to sign in, please,” she’s says pointedly over her thick-rimmed glasses.

“Alrighty,” Ronnie casually hangs back as Dave scrawls chicken scratch across the sign-in sheet.

“Sir,” the lady examines the fake name with a cynical expression, “this is barely legible.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” Dave shrugs. My mama never taught me how to write with eloquence.”

“Mhmm,” the woman smiles at us and says, “well, have a nice day then kids.”

“You too,” Ronnie waves as we make our way down a winding hall.

“According to surveillance,” Dave scratches his head and scans several classrooms in session, “the explosive should be in room 325.”

I whisper, “do we find the room first, or pull the alarm first?”

“Both,” Dave answers.

Dave silences himself when a couple of teachers glance at us quickly bolting down the hall.

When they disappear into the cafeteria, Dave goes on, “We need to split up. We won’t have much time to lock the doors around this whole place before the heads of the school figure out it’s all a fluke. The others are covering the South and East side of the building. They should be sneaking in here as we speak. You two will have to handle the North and West ends.”

A group of children run by us, pulling on each other’s hair and screaming at the top of their lungs like no one is around.

Susan,” a teacher reprimands one, “use your indoor voice please!”

“I’ll pull the alarm,” Dave decides. I’m sure he took into account that I won’t leave Ronnie’s side.

“You two will have to book like your life depends on it, because it does. One of you find room 325, then pull the alarm. Stand and hold the doors open for all of the children and faculty, being sure that all of them file out. Then close the doors when their backs are turned and put this place on lockdown. I’ll give back up the go when it’s time. I’m going to find the principle and alert him there’s a fire or something in the science laboratory, so get a move on!”

“We’ll find the room together,” I tell Ronnie as soon as Dave is out of sight.

“You don’t have to babysit me,” Ronnie rolls her eyes, “I’ll find the room and call you as soon I do. Find an alarm so I can give you the signal.”

She takes off before I have time to protest. I suppose it all makes sense, but I wish we didn’t have to split up.

“Don’t you dare try anything until Dave and I are with you.” I shout at her back.

“Okay,” she agrees, taking the stairs two at a time.

Ronnie

As soon as I hit the second floor, I spot room 300. I start to push my legs harder until, before I know it, room 325 is staring me in the face.

The bomb is in there.

I look around, making sure no one is watching me. It seems quiet on this floor of the school…eerily quiet. I decide to call Landon in the bathroom.

“I found the room. Do it now.”

“Come down here first,” Landon demands, “I don’t trust you up there. Plus, we have to lock up ASAP.”

“Pull the damn alarm, Landon,” I protest, “there are kids lives on the line. We need to evacuate the school now.

“Fine,” he obliges, “but if you don’t get your ass back down here in thirty seconds, I’m coming up for you. Got it?”

“Got it,” I say clearly into the receiver.

The blaring ring hums then roars to life. It echoes through the halls of the school, shaking me to the core. We have to get all of these kids to safety, but that’s what back up is for.

I stumble out of the bathroom and stand before room 325. I take a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. My hand curls around the cold metal knob, twisting, then I yank the door open.

I see her before she sees me. A lanky young lady, perhaps in her thirties, a tablet resting against her knees. She’s staring at the bright screen intently, facing me sideways. The only light source in the room is the screen glaring across her concentrated face. In fact, the dim light leaking in from the hallway has no effect. I realize that the whole second floor must be abandoned, and I’m not sure how the Rebels pulled that one off.

I don’t close the door. I assess the situation first. She doesn’t notice my presence only because she has a headset attached to her scalp, a ringing coming through the speakers. My eyes dart around the poorly lit room, and the explosive device sits tucked away in the far corner of the room, discrete. I wouldn’t have noticed it if I wasn’t searching for the damn thing. The lights flash and twinkle in the dark, winking at me.

The woman finally glances up after several minutes of me debating whether or not I should sneak my way over the bomb, but there’s no way I could get away with that. The only way through is through this woman.

“Are you…did they send you in here?” she asks calmly.

“Um…” I play along because perhaps she believes me to be one of them, “yes. I’m not really sure why, but they just sent me up here.”

“Hmph.”

The lady looks me straight in the eye, and I must be convincing, because she doesn’t think much of this.

“Extra security,” she mumbles as her eyes dart back to the tablet.

“I wasn’t even told how that thing works-“ I point to the explosive, “but I hear it’s pretty high tech?”

“Yeah, we’ve definitely upped the ante. Hopefully it works though.”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“Well, this is more of a trial-run. The real bombing is more of a finale to our school charades. Haven’t Bill and Tony told you anything?”

“Not really…I’ve basically just been lingering in the background for a while. No one’s filled me in on much.”

“You should know that you’ll probably be posted in the next school in a few hours, it’s just a block over.”

“What’s the name?”

The lady wrinkles her face now, and types something on the tablet.

“Johnson Central,” she reads off the screen, “you have your tablet?”

I pull my tablet from my jacket pocket, and wait. She hits a few more keys and comes up with an address, which she instructs me to plug into my GPS system.

“When’s this explosive ready to rumble?” I quickly ask.

“About one hour. I’m instructed to act as an inspector of the state, and that the guidelines for this second floor are not met. Simple enough story. So if anyone asks yoiu, you go along with it. I’m guessing the fire alarm just pulled was meant to make all of the kids scram for a while to sort out the specifics. Then we’ll wrangle back up and ba-boom. Their heads will be rolling down the hill faster than snowmen parts on a December day.”

I laugh for effect, but cringe internally.

“I’m Janet, by the way,” she sticks out her hand to me and I shake it, though all my instincts are telling me to run.

My hacking skills start to ping around in my head. I know how I can get to rest of this plan without wasting any more time.

It’s then that I hear Landon screaming downstairs. They must have locked all of the doors right now.

I’m in the God damn bathroom, I text him immediately, too much chili last night.

If your lying, you are so dead, he threatens. I’ll be up there in three minutes whether you’re sitting on the toilet or not.

“I have such bad reception up here,” I complain to Janet.

“Tell me about it.”

“Can I borrow your tablet for a sec?”

“Sure,” she obliges, “it’s just a waiting game now anyway.”

I hack into her firewall before she can even blink, then I start dissecting the code. I send it to my tablet, number fifteen in the database, R15 to be exact. My tablet pings and Janet eyes the screen suspiciously.

“Weird,” she mumbles, “reception must be better huh?”

I act surprised, “Yeah, your right. Here you go,” I hand her tablet back over.

Once the information is finished loading I stick my hand into my side pants pocket. My gun rests comfortably against my side.

“So we have an hour,” I purse my lips, “How can we entertain ourselves so we don’t die of boredom?”

“Let’s make sure the bomb is still set correctly before any fun and games begin,” Janet mumbles as she pushes herself off the cold, tile floor.

“That’s a good idea,” I agree.

She hobbles over to the bomb so nonchalantly, as if she deals with deadly explosives on a daily basis. Maybe she does.

“Just out of curiosity,” I begin to ponder, “how would I disable this thing? No one has ever showed me how they actually work.”

Janet grins and says “I’ll give you a little lesson.”

Landon

It’s been five minutes.

It’s been five minutes.

IT’S BEEN OVER FIVE FUCKING MINUTES NOW.

If Ronnie doesn’t get her pretty little ass down these stairs right now, she’ll blow our cover. And she may find out secrets that shouldn’t be unleashed on her yet.

I’m still standing guard by the door. School children go rushing out, hopping about like wild bunnies. Teachers and faculty members have concerned etched on their face, but stop to thank us for holding up the doors. One of the younger facility members is holding open the door opposite of me, looking rather bored. He keeps leaning over to whisper-shout in my ear.

“Don’t I get to shoot a gun soon?”

“No.”

“I want to blow the Rebels heads off and show them who’s boss,” the boy’s head is practically lobbed off by a man ushering children out the door.

“What are you, twelve?”

“Fourteen!”

I smack and my forehead and check my phone again. Nothing. The halls are becoming quiet at last, so I may be able to break free to lecture Ronnie on sticking to the original plans. Why did Dave suggest that we split up?

“Attention students, staff and visitors,” a voice suddenly booms through the building, “we have now successfully evacuated. If anyone still remains inside of the school, please exit immediately. There has been a chemical spill in one of the science classrooms, so proceed with caution.”

The younger boy and I shut the doors simultaneously with a barely audible click. No one’s noticed our presence inside of the school, so I send out a group text to everyone from the facility.

School’s empty. Stay put until instructed.

Dave fires back with, Where are you kids?

Me? I type, on the second floor, North side cafeteria. Ronnie- who knows.

Dave calls and I pick up to a furious, yelling true Southern man.

“What the living hell do you mean ‘who knows,’ boy? I’m gonna strangle you with my own bare hands if I don’t send the Rebels after ya sorry ass first!”

The angier Dave gets, the more Southern he becomes. I’ve already scaled the stairwell by the time he’s finished his rant.

Shut up,” I mumble, “I’m finding her right now.”

My voice drops down barely above a whisper as I explain what happened to him.

Idiot,” he spits through the receiver.

“Yep, you certainly are.”

“No, you, boy! You should have run after her long ago!”

“You stuck me with the damn trainee!”

Room 300, room 321, and finally I whiz by room 325. I backtrack as I realize the door is cracked.

“So, basically,” a woman, I believe ‘Jan’ as I recall from the last meeting, murmurs to Ronnie, “you can disable this baby with a switch. It’s right here. But you have to be quick, because once you type in this sequence of digits, you’ve only got ten seconds.”

“Interesting,” I hear Ronnie exclaim.

It’s too dark to see their faces clearly, but Ronnie is planning something. It’s then that I see her left arm twitch.

Oh, God, I think, Jan is our only direct source to the explosives unit.

“Don’t!” I step into the room and Jan pulls her gun in less time than it takes me to exhale.

She steadies herself but relaxes once she realizes it’s me.

“Landon! My boy!”

Ronnie’s brows arch when I glance over and shrug. She pulls her hand from her pocket, but shoots me a look that could kill.

What the fuck? she mouths silently.

Jan sits up to give me a hug, and I mouth back later, with warning eyes.

“You asshole,” Ronnie says out loud, “what do you take me for, a fool?”

“Ron,” I grit through my teeth, “I’ll explain later.”

“No you won’t. Because I’m out. Your lying through your teeth and I don’t want any part of this anymore. Are you one of them?

Jan glances my way then pulls her gun on Ronnie.

“Who is this chic, really, Landon?”

“She’s with me,” I explain.

“No. I’m with the good guys, and I’m starting to think that your not on their side.”

“Holy shit, is she nark?”

Jan has her finger poised on the trigger now, one click away from ending Ronnie.

I grab and ready my gun in a flash and wrap Jan in a head lock. I prod the metal on her temple, my grip like a vice.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Janet exclaims.

“Fuck,” I breathe, “I don’t have a choice, Jan. I’m sorry.”

I mull it over for a split second. Not Ronnie versus Jan’s life- that’s a no brainer. But what if I were to let Jan go and simply threaten her to keep quiet. It would never work out to my advantage. The leaders would come down on us like lead bricks, and all three of us would be face down in graveyard dirt. Janet’s an accessory to this scheme of ours, at least they’d see it that way. I have to save as many people as I can, so if it means Jan is gone…

Ronnie stares at us horrified, and my eyes jump back to Janet’s.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper as her eyes well up- the first time I’ve ever seen her cry.

Ronnie

He pulls the trigger without another word and Janet’s body falls limp to the floor.

“I know their crazy-“ I shake my head, “but did you have to shoot her? I mean, she is human. As much as I hate the Rebels and what I know they’re capable of now, she was probably just one of their pawns! Sucked into the vortex! I would have just used her and left her if I-“

“Ronnie. Stop.”

Landon’s face is white and transparent. He looks like he may throw up.

“I didn’t want to shoot her,” his voice catches, “but she was going to kill you. And if I let her go, we all would have been dead. She would have narked on us.”

”How do you know her? What’s the deal with you? From the very first day we met, you’ve lied straight to my face. You keep on telling me anything but the truth,” I run my shaky hands through my mangled hair, “can’t you be honest with me? How do you expect me to work for this organization if-”

“I tried to tell you,” Landon cries out now, “I tried to tell you before the alarm sounded in the damn facility.”

Landon’s fist comes down on the floor, which is when I realize that he’s sunk down onto his knees. His face is wet with angry tears as he takes in Janet’s limp body.

“Oh no,” I gasp.

Landon’s face crinkles out of his mask of misery for a moment and then he catches on.

“The bomb,” we both shout at each other.

I pull up its software on my tablet as I run over to the god forsaken thing, and the clock reads fifty seconds.

I panic. “Do something!” I shout, “help me over here!”

Landon snaps out of his own head and rushes over.

“You’re the one who just had a lesson in bomb building and dismantling! I’ve never done it before. If I rub it the wrong way we’re dead!”

Landon stares down the bomb as if the answer to our problems will fall out of the sky.

Forty-three seconds.

My fingers tremble uncontrollable as I up pick the rather small device and turn it over in my palm. I punch in the digits as I remember them to be, as I remember Janet clearly explaining to me just minutes ago.

I flip the tiny, red switch.

Landon picks up the tablet and turns it my way with an unreadable expression.

Bomb terminated. Leader Bill Normandy notified of breach at 22:48.



“Who’s Bill?”

Dave comes storming in as soon as Landon opens his mouth.

“Oh, Lord,” Dave’s head swivels back and forth between the two of us, “thank Jesus ya’ll are okay! I got held up with that damn rookie I posted you with, Landon.”

“I told you,” Landon says under his breath.

Dave stares down at the pool of blood now surrounding Janet.

“Let’s get the hell out of here. They’ll think she was a double agent and won’t have a clue it was us who stopped that little mother fucker over there!”

Dave jabs his finger with fury at the now harmless bomb.

“Too bad Janet had to die that way,” Dave says solemnly.

“Someone needs to tell me how the fuck you two know this lady before I nark on all of you. Why am the only person in the dark here?”

They exchange a glance and grimace at each other.

“We’ll explain once we get you back to the facility, young lady.”

“Fine,” I spit, “but I’m holding you to it. You’re both scaring the shit out of me, and I need to know what all of this jibber-jabber is about. I need to know everything or else I quit,” I enunciate clearly.

“Don’t make any rash decisions, Ron,” Landon takes my hand, but I wriggle out of his grip, “I didn’t want to lie to you, but I had to wait until you understood. And this mission was the only thing that would make you get it.”

“Okay,” I surrender, “but no more secrets once I’m in on all of yours.”

“Deal,” Dave and Landon both sigh as we make our trek down the stairwell, out a side door, undercover and unnoticed.

***

“Shit!” I scream as we reach the car.

“Jesus- keep it down, girl,” Dave hushes me.

I cover my mouth, but the North side of the school is empty. The parking lot is uninhabited because of the “chemical spill.” I find the address Janet gave me.

“There’s another hoe-down in a couple hours. Janet informed me.”

I hand off the address to Dave with panicked hands as he curses in jumbled sentences.

“Those damn rats.”

Dave picks up his cell phone and hands it to Landon, instructing him to hold it and put the phone on speaker.

He slams the hummer door as we all file in, and throws the car into reverse.

“Time to head out again, ladies and gents.”

***

Landon

“This time,” Dave instructs us, “it will be an onslaught.”

We’re huddled behind a large grouping of bushes behind the next targeted school. On the outside, you wouldn’t know there was a whole pack of Rebel leaders hiding staked out in the depths of the basement. Ronnie’s tablet told us.

Dave starts his prep speech. “There’s no way we can sneak past the leaders. I’m gonna call up this dang school, telling the principle I heard of a bomb threat being planned inside of the school. They’ll evacuate, then we’ll move in. The police will show up, but it’ll take them a few minutes to move in. But that means we have to move ourtail feathers like you’re a chicken about to be caught for slaughter.”

We all nod- our facility leaders, enforcement, even newbies- we have to stick together for this plan to be successful.

“The bomb is in the basement this time,” Dave scans our faces for any sense of hesitation, “and if any of ya are having second thoughts about this, ya’ll better scram. We’re risking our lives barging in here like this, so whoever is joining me better be all in. If you’re not then ya best better get the hell out.”

A single younger facility member shakes his head and runs for the wind.

“Any other takers?”

This is when I hear a shrill voice scream in the distance.


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1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

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Tue Feb 09, 2016 11:13 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here to save your piece from the clutches of the Green Room ^_^

I really only have a few general comments to make. I haven't read the previous chapters so I'm not going to dive into characters and plot and the like.

I want to start with your dialogue. It's good. Each character has a distinct voice and I can believe that they're saying what they're saying. Something that's not quite as believable though is when Dave gives them all those orders. I mean of course it's important to know the plan, but most of what he's saying is something they'd know already. Wouldn't they have planned more before they went out on this mission? There's always some kind of briefing before things like this. It just seems like Dave is saying this for our sake, the readers's sake. It's not really imperative that we know every move that they're supposed to make. We'll know where Landon and Ronnie go and do based on where they go and what they do.

So, this secret. Obviously it was mentioned in previous chapters, but like I said I haven't read any of those. Shame on me. Ronnie seems to be absolutely livid about this secret. That's understandable, but I find it strange that she would all of the sudden blow her cover in order to yell at Landon. In the situation it would be stupid of her to blow up like that. It was stupid for her to do so. I know this is getting dangerously close to a character comment, but I'm just really confused by the reaction. My main confusion comes from the situation itself. She just makes the stupidest decision ever. Maybe consider that? Even if it's in her character it'll be different here 'cause she's in a pressure situation.

Speaking of pressure situations, I don't feel the pressure here at all. They're looking for a ticking bomb that could very possibly go off while all these kids are still in the school. That's a lot going on at once. Imagine all the emotions running through each of the characters. Even if they've done something like this eight millions times before, there's still going to be nerves and the such. Work on adding some more emotion to this. It'll really help us realize just how important this mission is. It's that old argument between showing and telling. We've been told that this is an important, dangerous missions, but I don't get that feeling from the characters. It just seems like the same old same old.

I like this story. When I actually have more time I think I'll come back and read the previous chapters so I'm all caught up. This is definitely the kind of book I like to read ^_^ Plus I want to understand Landon and Ronnie's relationship better. It peaks my interest. They've known each other for such a short time, but they're close enough to have a screaming battle about this secret Landon had been hiding. There's a lot behind that.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




klennon14 says...


Thank you for the review! I haven't continued writing this story in a long time, which makes me feel really guilty because I feel like I've abandoned my characters ha ha...
But anyway. Your review was super helpful and I appreciate the advice and what you liked/ didn't like. I've actually started to re-write this story and take it in a different direction, but I'm still going to use parts of the first rough draft here.
Thanks again for the review!



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Sun Feb 07, 2016 9:17 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm back again, and before I get into the actual review, I have a few bits of "housekeeping" information to tell you.

1. On YWS, we don't censor literary works that have swearing or violence, but after a certain point we do require them to be rated. In the "options" for each work, there's an option to add a rating. You don't have to unless it's over 18+, but we consider the f-bomb over 18+, so you need to rate that appropriately.

2. This chapter is a bit long, which is probably why nobody's tackled it thus far. Sticking to about 2000 word parts is good.

So, it's good that the plot is advancing and action is taking place. But to be honest, I didn't follow a lot of what was going on. The whole part when they're searching the school was just confusing. (Also, you don't need to bold things to draw attention to them.)

Things I found implausible:

-That the anti-Rebels have access to a random school's surveillance system. Like really, how on earth did they get access, and how many places do they have access to? Also, who monitors it all the time so they can keep tabs on everything?

-That Ronnie drove even though she clearly doesn't know how. Really? That's just plain dangerous and a bit of a stupid idea.

-That they got into the school that easily. Public school systems are ridiculously security-conscious, especially these days. Any parent claiming to sign their child in would be asked to give their name and the child's name at least, which would be cross-checked with a database to record the student's tardiness. And after all that, they still probably wouldn't be allowed to go into the school proper, because there's simply no reason to.

When the action started, I generally didn't like it. The swearing was excessive to the point of distraction, and everybody seemed overly panicked and the whole thing felt muddled and confused. I didn't understand what was going on, and I feel like with all the commotion they're making, students and teachers should have noticed something by now.

Anyway, I see there's no more posted chapters of this, so I guess this ends here. I don't know if you're still working on this, but good luck!




klennon14 says...


Thank you so much for the review! I love reviews like this that are so honest. I want to know if things feel confusing or disconnected so I appreciate the constructive criticism! I have a lot to improve on with this story, but as I told the reviewer above, I am going to be re-writing this story from a different angle. I went into this with cold feet and the first rough draft is all over the place because it was basically word vomit. I had all these ideas and I didn't make a clear outline, and it was evident in this chapter especially.
I will make more sense out of things as I go along. I need to revisit this story (which I haven't done in a couple months unfortunately) and get some heavy-duty revising done!
Thanks again for the review!



Mea says...


No problem! I'm glad it was helpful, and I totally understand about first drafts being word vomit. Good luck!




In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris