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Young Writers Society


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Chapter 1.4 Untitled

by klennon14


Landon

You idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I told myself I wouldn’t get involved with a girl right now. I told myself I wouldn’t form any close bonds with anyone for that matter. I told myself I would be smart about this, about this messed up situation I’m in. I can’t involve a girl in my life right now!

Look what I did. Look at this disaster I’ve created for myself.

What am I going to do?

Dave bursts through the front door as I’m having this talk with myself.

“Have some bad news, kid,” he frowns.

I barely look up, but I ask “What could be worse than what I just did?” I bury my face in my hands.

“Oh, no,” he gasps, exaggeratedly, “Did you meet a girl last night, Landon?”

I simply nod, then I shake my head in defeat.

Dave laughs, “Well, boy. I warned ya. You either listen or you make your own damn bed. Get rid of her. Cut her off now, before someone gets hurt.”

“I’ve known her for less than twenty-four hours-“

“That’ll make it easy, Landon.”

“-but I’ve already fallen for her. I don’t what to do! I’ve never felt this way about a girl. It’s- I just-“

“Listen here,” Dave starts, “you cut it off, or I will. This ain’t no funny business to be fussing with. This is serious.”

“I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I sigh, “because Ronnie’s special. She’s not like any other girl- she’s resilient. She’s bold. She’s beautiful, yet she’s unaware. How am I going to find someone like her again?”

“Same thing happened to Daisy and I,” he stares out into the blank space in a daze, “but I knew what I was getting myself into. I was smart about it, - so I thought- and I kept the secret for the longest time. What a God damn mistake that was.”

Dave shakes his head, “I don’t want ya sufferin’ is all I’m saying. I know what the pain feels like. I know how the pain burns deep.”

I nod in agreement, but I can’t seem to get Ronnie out of my head.

What am I going to do?

“Let’s get past all the girlie, talk, boy,” Dave moves on, “there’s word of break-in at this “Doug’s Supermarket” place. Time to get a move on and investigate.”

“Okay,” I agree, “how bad?’

“Not sure. Cop wasn’t too clear on the phone, but we’ll find out soon enough.”

***

We pull up to the empty parking lot, and the first thing I notice is glass shattered at the supermarket. Red, white and blue flash in front of my eyes, spinning and circling. I’ll never really get used to the chaotic sight of it. Suddenly, the headlights reflect off of the glass shards and then, like some sick, twisted movie scene, I see her.

Ronnie.

I pull on my cap and sunglasses- not conspicuous or anything at nearly midnight- and burst through the door.

I hear Dave cursing at me as I stumble out of the car, but I don’t care. I saved this girl once today, and I’ll do it again. I push past the cops, the ambulance, the whole scene.

I pull my badge from my coat pocket, and her eyes widen when I approach the door. I hold up my fake creds- Private Investigator- careful to conceal my name below. Ronnie’s eyes constrict to normal size, and I walk over the glass into the store.

“Are you alright ma’am?” I try a husky voice on for size.

She believes the façade.

“I’m fine,” she says with her voice level, “I mean- it wasn’t detrimental to me or anything. The guy’s just under too much pressure or something. Hey, what’s with the shades? It’s like midnight.”

“I need to keep my identity unknown given the circumstances,” I say in a clipped voice.

Ronnie looks confused, but all I care about is her well-being. I see an EMT has already tended to her, as my eyes follow up her slinky arm to a small bandage.

Dave isn’t far behind us when I turn around. I spot him speaking to a police officer, a perplexed look on his face. I should go over there before I blow my cover.

I clear my throat, “Excuse me, Miss.”

I push past her and make my way over to Dave. His brows are knitted and he’s concentrating.

“So, what happened here exactly?” I interrupt.

“Ah, crazy poor person,” the cop explains.

Dave nods in agreement, and I ask “What do you mean?”

“Well,” the cop runs a hand along his stubble “the man supposedly threatened to rob the store, but ‘wasn’t actually going to go through with it.’ There’s been no injury done to the girls in there, and there was no weapon involved.”

“No weapon?” I ask, skeptically.

“No weapon,” the officer repeats, “and no injuries. I suppose we should bring him in for further questioning, just to have the doctors evaluate him. We don’t need a looney-case prancing around town. I’ve run into enough of those ones in just these past few days.”

“Like who?”

“Some crazy lady ready to stab a teenager for money. She attempted to steal his wallet, and he was taken aback by shock. She could have killed him. There was even a young man prostituting himself for some group he called “The Rebels,” claiming they were threatening to kill him if he didn’t obey. He got thrown in the looney bin…”

Dave and I exchange a worried look.

“We’ve heard about the infamous ‘Rebels’,” I say cautiously, “what else did he say?”

“We figured he was pretty nuts, so I think it’s a non-existent group, something he made up in his convoluted head. Must’ve spread it around for you two to hear. The guy said something about an “underground facility” in the area- somewhere up by North Harris Street. “

“Huh,” I try to nod casually, but I’m becoming panicked.

“The psychologist is convinced the guy had something tragic happen to him there, so he’s creating this story in his mind, instead of coming to terms with the suppressed memories in his crazy-ass head.”

“Interesting,” Dave mimics my concern, but tries to play the whole thing off as nothing.

“Thanks for your help officer,” Dave turns to the cop to shake his hand and says, “We’ve been trying to piece together the happenings in this God damn town for a while now. Be in touch.”

I give a quick nod to the cop, and scuttle off with Dave.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I whisper, walking towards the supermarket again.

“Tell me about it, boy. North Harrison Street-“

“-is only a twenty minute drive from here. That street goes on for miles though.”

“Time to get some information from an eye-witness, then. Our criminal friend in there won’t snitch on those bastards. Time to question the girl. Maybe she can lead us to their hideout.”

Dave points at Ronnie, and I cringe. She’s watching me with curious eyes, following our every move. She’s suspicious. Who wouldn’t be? Why would private investigators be wandering around this scene?

“Hey,” I grab Dave by the coat sleeve.

“Yeah?”

“That’s her,” I say my head hung low.

“What do you mean-“ he says confused, then remembers what I told him earlier, “Oh good Lord, Jesus. Please help us.”

He pushes on anyway, and I follow. I prepare my terrible voice disguise, clearing my throat multiple times.

“What, do ya got to hack something up?” Dave complains just before we enter.

“No, I just-“

“Let me do the talking, okay?”

I nod, and Dave takes the lead.

***

“What do you mean you ‘knocked him out’?”

Ronnie stares at me with a hard look. I’m still wearing my shades, and she’s still suspicious.

We’re sitting in the office of Doug’s, the only sound the buzzing of a lightbulb dangling from the rickety ceiling. My leg races, up and down up and down up and down, nervous that she will catch on as to who I am.

Think calm, Landon, I keep repeating like a mantra. Just keep calm. But shit could really hit the fan if she outs me- even if she’s not doing it to hurt me. What if-

I stop myself from thinking of the worst case scenarios, and I turn my attention back to Ronnie. Dave gives me a look. He’s saying calm the hell down, boy, through his protruding eyes.I forcibly put an end to my shaking leg.

“Well,” Ronnie admits, “ I didn’t ‘knock him out’ per say, but I kicked him in the balls. Same thing, right? I made him fall on his face and surrender.”

“Surrender?”

“I mean- that’s not really the right word. The guy was being a jerk saying “Wouldn’t it be great to rob this place? I mean I could rob this place and be set for life.” He just kept going on and on and on, and I had to make him stop.”

Her eyebrow twitches, then her eyes wander to the lightbulb.

She’s lying. She’s lying though her teeth.

“So then explain the shattered glass in the front,” I point to the door.

“Just some kids throwing around baseballs. They nicked me right here,” she motions to the small bandage covering the inside of her elbow.

“Would you mind calling in your friend Elena?” Dave pipes up.

“Sure,” Ronnie quickly moves towards the door.

“Not so fast, Miss,” Dave protests, “I want ya both in here. The more company the better,” he grins.

Ronnie nods slowly, and calls for her coworker. I wonder how long I can keep up my fake voice, my fake identity, my fake life.

“Elena” timidly enters the room and I tell her to take a seat.

“So, Miss Elena?”

“Yes, sir?”

“I hear that Ronnie saved the day here, from what I gather from that cop over there,” Dave points at a single police officer waiting by the front door.

“Who exactly needed saving?” Dave questions further.

“Well…um…I”

I notice Ronnie subtly nudge Elena in the foot and Elena yelps.

“Um- I- I fainted when the guy- when he-“

“Hey,” I chime in, “there’s no reason to be nervous. Just be honest. You’re not at fault here. The guy they just hauled off is though.”

Elena nods, but Ronnie kicks her harder.

“Miss, Sinclair, may I ask you to leave the room at this time, please?” I eye Ronnie through my dark lenses.

“Of course,” she says curtly.

Ronnie nods to Elena, then slams the door. I hear her muttering some obscenities through the store. She’s pacing. I can tell by her footsteps. I’ve always been able to pinpoint the pacers.

“Now, Elena. We’re all friends here. There’s no reasons to keep secrets, hon. Landon and I here are just trying to do our jobs. We’re trying to save peoples life’s.”

Elena is silent now.

“I didn’t see anything. I really- I really didn’t, sir. I was out cold.”

She’s sweating. Profusely.

“We both know that guy didn’t strut in here without a weapon,” I start to tell Elena, “we know he threatened to rob your store. We know he wasn’t ‘joking around,’” my words start to speed up, “and we know that guy smashed the glass over there. Loonies are running around this town and you-“

He had a gun, okay! He had a gun! He almost shot us!

I sigh in relief, knowing the truth will come out now. Dave sighs next to me. Now that we’re done pulling teeth, it’s time for the filling and polishing.

“Tell us everything.”

***

Ronnie

I pretend to fix the shelves. I pretend to sweep the floor. I pretend to keep composure.

I let that guy off the hook, and now there are private investigators flooding the place? Why me? Why couldn’t I have just thrown his ass in the slammer like I would have on any normal day?

I think it was the eyes. Eyes tell all. I knew he was telling me the truth. Somehow, I knew he was being forced to make the ridiculous choices that he had. I believed him.

Now look at where it’s getting me. So much for good Karma.

I straighten a box of Wheat Flakes, and I pull all of the soda forward on the opposite side of the aisle. I glance towards the front of the store. There’s one lone police officer guarding the door, but the rest of the store is quiet. Too quiet.

Elena better keep her God damn mouth shut.

I hear the door swing open before I have time to prepare myself.

Lie, echoes in my head, lie through your teeth.

At the same time, don’t be a liar, echoes through my head. These people are here to help, to solve crimes. But what was so special about this guy that made an investigation necessary?

Before I come to a decision, they’re headed over to aisle six, right where I stand. I hold my breath, I count to ten, and I let it come rushing out.

In and out, in and out, in and out.

“Miss, Sinclair?” the older man questions.

“Yes?” I turn and ask innocently.

“We hear you put on quite the show according to the video footage. Let’s take a look, how ‘bout it?”

I glare at Elena, and she hides behind the two scrutinizing men.

Why didn’t I think of the security cameras? I’m kicking myself now. Why’d I have to cover that guy’s ass?

The older man and the younger boy lead me back into the office, Elena in tow. I try to swallow, but the lump in my throat refuses to budge.

I grab a chair, and it’s icy to the touch. I stay still. I watch myself kick the gun under the cooler. I watch myself question that dirty scum bag who got me into this mess. I watch myself seal the deal.

“Now, it’s apparent in the video that you were just trying to give the guy a chance,” the older man says, “but why would you lie to us, hon?”

“I-I just…he was telling me the truth. He was being honest, because he knew I would shoot him. He figured it was all over, so what reason would there be for him to lie? The guy knew he was headed to the slammer.”

“You gave him a chance?” the man questions again.

“Yes- I did. I gave him a second shot.”

“You realize that the Rebels are real, don’t ya?”

“Not until now,” I breathe out.

“Oh, they’re real. You know how I’m sure?”

The young man hits the older man in the shoulder, trying to shush him. He’s trying to cover it up, but I want to know what they’re getting on about.

“How?”

“I’ll show you,” he grins.

The young man flies out of his chair and begins to scream.

“Have you lost it, Dave?”

The shrill almost sounds familiar…

“No, boy, I just know a fighter when I see one! Any other seventeen-year-old girl do that? You seen any girl do that?”

“This is a mistake,” He enunciates each word.

And now I remember where the voice is from- how could I forget his voice?

I slowly rise from my chair as they continue to bicker. Landon is in such a rage, he doesn’t notice my movements. I poke him in the shoulder, and he jumps.

I rip off his sunglasses as he turns around.

You asshole!” I shout, when I confirm it’s those deep blue eyes.

“Ronnie, let me just-,” he holds up his hands.

“You used me? You knew I’d be at that party? ‘I’ve seen you around a couple times,” my sorry ass!”

Everything I said was true. I didn’t know you were involved with this accident! And I am in high school, believe it or not! I have seen you around, and I’ve pining after you for a while now. You have to believe me.”

I’m still fuming. I’m still glaring. I’m still shocked and confused and hurt.

“He’s right, Miss, Ronnie,” the older man- Dave?- chimes in, “he’s been talking about ya all day, in fact.”

“Really?” I question hesitantly.

“Really,” Landon takes my hand in his.

“You have some explaining to do, Landon White.”

“That I do, Miss Sinclair.”

Landon

“I…need a minute to speak with Dave, okay?” I beg.

Ronnie glares at the both of us, her determined eyes darting back and forth between the two of us.

“Fine,” she eyes me last and stomps off, “You have five minutes. Then I want answers, and I want them now.”

“Deal,” I yell as she turns out the door.

“You just had to open your big fat mouth and start blabbing about her fighting skills, didn’t you? Why couldn’t you let it go?”

“Because, Landon,” Dave runs his hands over his face, “you were right. She’s different. She could be one of us.”

No!” I protest, “I’ll never let that happen! She’s not up for grabs!”

“Hey-“ Dave starts, but I interject.

“Don’t ‘hey’ me. I barely know the girl. She’s nothing special,” I lie.

“You and I both know you’re a liar, kid. Ronnie’s the type who will go after anything no matter what it takes. She’d be the greatest freaking asset to our team, and you damn well know it. I bet she’d agree. The way she took down that son of bitch? Without any training? It’s like she was born for the freaking job.”

“I told you, we barely know each other!” I try to downplay it all.

“You knew her well enough to have a sleep over after that there party, right? Or did ya crash in the street?”

I am so beyond pissed off that Dave would even consider exposing Ronnie to our facility. The dangers that envelope our whole team- why would he want to drag another person down with us?

“Don’t be thinkin’ what I know you’re thinkin’! I’d fucking ask the girl. I wouldn’t force her into joining us.”

I roll my eyes and groan. This is the worst day I’ve had in a long time, and I nearly fell off a building last Tuesday.

“You’re making an unnecessary mess to clean up, and you don’t even realize it yet. I’m telling you-“

“I want in on this,” a voice chirps from the door.

I don’t even have to turn around. I should have known better that these walls aren’t anything close to soundproof. She’s been eavesdropping on our whole conversation.

“You’ve been standing there the whole time haven’t you?” I ask her.

“Yup.”

“Ronnie?” Dave asks, “How would you like to save the world?”


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1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

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Fri Feb 05, 2016 10:12 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm back for another review.

So I liked this part better. I think again that your dialogue is very good, and I think your characters here are a lot better developed.

Something I didn't understand was how Landon is able to be a private inspector. It's like you're trying to do Sherlock Holmes, but in reality, the job doesn't exist, and the only reason Sherlock can do it is because he's a genius and doesn't really listen to what anyone tells him. I'm hoping that you've either already explained this or that you will explain it soon, because it's honestly kind of a big sticking point.

Another thing that bothered me was how at first the officer thinks that the Rebels are something the other dude was just making up because he was crazy, but then when Dave and Landon say they've heard of the Rebels too, wouldn't it make more sense for him to take it a bit more seriously? If Landon's heard of them, they can't be the ravings of a madman.

Something I didn't like as much was all the perspective changing. It was nice that you put the name at the beginning so we could tell who it was, but you should really only be switching perspective a couple of times per chapter at most, otherwise the readers will get metaphorical whiplash.

And that's all I've got for you this time!




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14 Reviews


Points: 1640
Reviews: 14

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Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:21 am
Senmaster wrote a review...



Hi Klennon14,

this chapter was very well written. The dialogue really told me a lot about your characters, and you made it very realistic. It wasn't over the top dramatic and wasn't downright boring. Already, as the reader I can see the relationships between the characters and I have learned so much about their personalities.

And then dividing the chapter between Landon and Ronnie was very effective. It built up the suspense as I was eager to find out more about the situation, and through both perspectives you were able to leak just enough to really build up that suspense.

The idea sounds very good, and already we can see that you don't have cliche characters, which is always great because the reader just wants to get to know them.

All in all, the chapter was great.

I would just say that early on you had "Doug's Supermarket" with the quotation marks, but because it's inside the quote it would only have the single quotations; 'Doug's Supermarket.'

Other than that, I would say that although it's not completely necessary due to the amount of information given through the dialogue, a little more describing of the characters' thought processes could go a long way. It could add to that suspense and can help give a little more information about the characters' personalities.

Besides that, great job and have fun writing! Can't wait for the next chapter!




klennon14 says...


Thank you for both of your reviews. These are so helpful!!




The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard