Please do not tug
On the strings of my helium dreams
I am too young to settle
I don't wish to think about
All the doors I'm expected to close
In order to take a single step forward
I can't tell you what I want
But i can tell you what I don't want
I don't want predictability
I don't want mediocrity
I don't want comformity
I cannot install myself
Until I've seen every shore and
Climbed every summit
I have the longing to feel
Everything out there that can be felt
I heard somewhere that
Vulnerability multiplies the
Possibilites of the world
And what you're capable of being within it
So please, bite your skeptical tongue
The next time you plan on telling me
To be realistic
You are telling me to limit myself
When earth was shaped in such a way
That limits do not exist
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
There's some fabulous lines in this - love the set-up in the first two especially.
Lovely phrasing. I hope to see more of your work in the future!
Hey, there fellow writer. Before I review, I just wanted to say that the first two lines are very catching. It really gets this piece going and I like that. Great job. Now as for the third line and down, it doesn't really have a steady flow to it. I can see what your point is, which is awesome, but the words need to flow smoothly together. Now I'm not here to diss your poem or bring you down. I definitely don't want to do that because I think you have potential. You'll get there. Keep up the work.
Thanks for sharing this poem. The sense of frustration against those who are perceived as striving to limit the writer’s potential is very well conveyed. Now that can indeed be damned frustrating, I know. So my following comments aren’t meant to be taken as if I approve of people telling other people how far they should set their goals. Each adult is free to decide that for himself based on his self-evaluation.
Once an adult decides then that is his business. So please see my comments as reader reaction to the writing and not as an evaluation of what is happening to you personally since I am not in any position to say one way or the other due to insufficient information.
The introduction is very effective in grabbing the reader's attention. But the space below it distracts. One thing that we have to keep in mind as writers is that such terms as mediocrity, predictability, and conformity are not necessarily bad by default. Under certain circumstances they might be the wise choice.
Is it wise not to conform to traffic rules?
Is it wise not to conform to the laws design to protect human rights?
Is it wise to refuse a job because we consider mediocre if it is the only one available?
Because they are relative, the reader will automatically wonder whether the speaker is indeed being wise in his condemnation or rejection of these concepts or not. In order to quiet that doubt we as writers need to provide more details in order to justify our attitude. Otherwise the effect of the poem will be top effectively express our consternation without really providing any logical justification for it. In short, our good judgment will remain unproven.
Suggestions,
The poem would be far more readable if it didn’t capitalize the first letter of each line.
It make understanding harder because as a reader I didn’t know if it was a continuation of the line before it or starting a new thought sometimes. So it forced me to back-track.
The first line is spaced to far above the rest of the poem.
comformity [conformity]
Possibilites [possibilities]
step forward[.]
I don't want predictability[.]
I don't want mediocrity[.]
I don't want conformity[.]
Climbed every summit[.]
....capable of being within it
....that can be felt[.]
....To be realistic[.]
....That limits do not exist[.]
Hey there! I will be reviewing your poem today! Let's dive right in!
I am in love with this imagery. Great way to start the poem off.
Now, I didn't enjoy the second stanza as much as the first. I think it was the use of repetition. Really, just everything about it didn't flow with the rest of the poem. It straight up said "I can tell you" which supports the fact that you are telling, not showing.
I love the last stanza. It wraps everything up. The theme/message, everything. It is written effortlessly. It is definitely my favorite out of all of the stanzas.
The thing I appreciate about this poem is that it affects everyone. Anyone can relate to this. And you write it in a way that just slips write into the reader's mind. That being said you can work on a few things.
Like I said before, the second stanza really needs to be rewritten, in my opinion. I say this because of the repetition involved. I honestly think it negatively impacted the poem and backfired. A poem like this doesn't need the use of repetition. It also kind of strays away from the rest of the poem, the whole topic in the second stanza. It is all about what you don't want. I understand the opposing perspective is nice but in a poem where the positive side is the theme, I don't think that stanza is necessary.
I also don't know what is going on with the top line up there? I think it might be better off with the first stanza.
Even though this concept can be very basic and revolve only around you, you make it so it is written to include everyone - the whole world. The imagery is great, and helps portray the message significantly.
I thoroughly enjoyed this! If you have any questions please do ask.
neptune