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Mixed Emotions

by keepitogether

Ive lost myself in your dangerous smile
So i stayed awhile, best time of my life
And then we kissed and i felt the venom as it rushed through my body like a rollercoaster
I was weak, no matter what you said i would never claim defeat
Because you made my heart beat
Faster and Faster as you would touch your hand across mine
Time, would stop
As the days of the hot, blazing summer began
So did our seperation
Each day we grew
Further, and Further away
By then i was begging you stay
Tear , after tear
Rude comment, after comment
Broken promises, and lies
I was so disgusted by your face,
So i gave you space
But each time you called
I'd Smile , Hoping you would claim your love once more
But you opened up another door, N now you're with her
As time increaced 1 year ,, my heart was shatterted ,
As i watch all the pieces get stepped on by your feet
I was officially in defeat .
Then came 2 years, and Frank ocean
Thinking about you was on replay
As i watched my smile , get washed away by the waterfalls of my eyes
I began to not cry,
Feeling pathetic, it was time for a change
Slowly, Slowly
I began to be happy
I found my heart, and i found some tape
No leakage yet, But when you sat next to me
I didnt feel weak
i didnt feel complete
But i was happy, maybe now we can be friends
'Cause i forgive you Not because i like you
But Because Im Over it
No more dependent on men girl
Because Guys, theses days , my age are immature
And can barely take care of themselves
2013 , im a new girl and i got a whole new attitute.
And i love me, more than any boy could.

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44 Reviews

Points: 435
Reviews: 44

Wed Jun 26, 2013 5:08 pm
ivyLeonora wrote a review...

This whole poem is my whole life story in terms of love. Which as you can tell is unlucky. I guess that's why I liked the poem, because it can relate to any girl like me.
"I've lost myself in your dangerous smile
So i stayed awhile, best time of my life
And then we kissed and i felt the venom as it rushed through my body like a rollercoaster
I was weak, no matter what you said i would never claim defeat
Because you made my heart beat"
I particularly liked this part of the story. It conveys the love as rollercoaster, and that's how love is for a lot of teenagers. Its fast and when you crash, you realize it wasn't all worth it. so well done. I enjoyed this thoroughly.

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39 Reviews

Points: 1303
Reviews: 39

Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:31 am
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znale1 wrote a review...

This is a good poem but this line " but you opened up another door, N now your with her" I think the "N" was supposed to mean and. This poem is being sexist to men that is another problem.

I didnt see how it was sexist towards guys, Because for one, i was only talking about one guy and then started talking about how immature guys are and thats a fact
The statement Girls mature faster than Boys is accurate on so many levels. Girls usually take education more seriously than young men do, which is now currently reflected in graduation rates, grade point averages and drop out statistics from many countries worldwide. They see the value in education at an age much higher than young men, who tend to take much further into their formative years to realize the importance of buckling down.

Girls also tend to see the true value in independence, starting a life, having a realistic career (not just pro athlete or part-time gynecologist), and girls also develop faster due to going through puberty at a younger age. %u201CIn fact, neuro-imaging shows that, early on, the typical teen girl has a stronger connection between the areas of the brain that control impulse, the amygdala, and judgment,the prefrontal cortex.%u201D ... otionally/)

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25 Reviews

Points: 1234
Reviews: 25

Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:11 am
nomadpenguin wrote a review...

There were some great lines in here like "I found my heart, and I found some tape".

However, there are quite a few things you could improve on.

First of all, the line breaks confuse me. There doesn't seem to be any logic behind them. I think that sometimes the overly short lines break the rhythm of the poem. Try reading the poem out loud, and putting breaks where you would naturally take a breath while speaking. Only put line breaks where you wouldn't pause if you want to draw the reader's eyes downwards faster, or if you want to create tension by making it awkward to read.

On a related note, use more punctuation. As it is, sometimes it is difficult to understand where one thought ends and another begins. This also messes up the flow of the poem because you have to go back and reread small sections to get the full meaning.

The capitalization annoyed me quite a bit. I see no reason for capitalizing words like "Because" and "Over".

The occasional rhyming threw me off quite a bit. I kept expecting a rhyme where there was none, and I would find rhymes where I didn't think there would be. I guess this could be an effective technique if you spent more time perfecting it.

I think it would do your poem much good if you split it up into stanzas. There are three distinctive parts of your poem, and I think you should split it into three distinct stanzas.

Also, there were many little things that put me off this poem. Just little things like using the number 1 instead of "one", and using "N" instead of "and".

I think this poem could be quite good if you just took more time with it, read it out loud to yourself a few times, and wrote it down like you wanted it read.

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9 Reviews

Points: 529
Reviews: 9

Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:42 am
Adriana12Alexis wrote a review...

I like the poem. I like the whole empowering yourself theme. I am definitely for the women power part. The only thing wrong with the poem was the grammatical errors. You forgot punctuation in some places, and all the wrong things are capitalized. I can understand leaving out capitalization to add to the over all piece, but here, the capitalized letters are just in random spots. Good poem though.

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25 Reviews

Points: 1568
Reviews: 25

Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:27 am
Benway wrote a review...

Evocative and honest piece--a feeling of emotional tumult and recovery of self we probably all know. I have no issues reading through, style-wise, but I find myself confused on the random capitalization of some words, especially those not at the beginning of a line. I feel the piece would flow more smoothly with more uniform formatting, especially as goes consistent capitalization, punctuation, and distributing of breath stops. Hope this helps refine your thought.

"You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up."
— Metatron