Young Writers Society

This whole poem is my whole life story in terms of love. Which as you can tell is unlucky. I guess that's why I liked the poem, because it can relate to any girl like me.
"I've lost myself in your dangerous smile
So i stayed awhile, best time of my life
And then we kissed and i felt the venom as it rushed through my body like a rollercoaster
I was weak, no matter what you said i would never claim defeat
Because you made my heart beat"
I particularly liked this part of the story. It conveys the love as rollercoaster, and that's how love is for a lot of teenagers. Its fast and when you crash, you realize it wasn't all worth it. so well done. I enjoyed this thoroughly.

This is a good poem but this line " but you opened up another door, N now your with her" I think the "N" was supposed to mean and. This poem is being sexist to men that is another problem.

There were some great lines in here like "I found my heart, and I found some tape".

However, there are quite a few things you could improve on.

First of all, the line breaks confuse me. There doesn't seem to be any logic behind them. I think that sometimes the overly short lines break the rhythm of the poem. Try reading the poem out loud, and putting breaks where you would naturally take a breath while speaking. Only put line breaks where you wouldn't pause if you want to draw the reader's eyes downwards faster, or if you want to create tension by making it awkward to read.

On a related note, use more punctuation. As it is, sometimes it is difficult to understand where one thought ends and another begins. This also messes up the flow of the poem because you have to go back and reread small sections to get the full meaning.

The capitalization annoyed me quite a bit. I see no reason for capitalizing words like "Because" and "Over".

The occasional rhyming threw me off quite a bit. I kept expecting a rhyme where there was none, and I would find rhymes where I didn't think there would be. I guess this could be an effective technique if you spent more time perfecting it.

I think it would do your poem much good if you split it up into stanzas. There are three distinctive parts of your poem, and I think you should split it into three distinct stanzas.

Also, there were many little things that put me off this poem. Just little things like using the number 1 instead of "one", and using "N" instead of "and".

I think this poem could be quite good if you just took more time with it, read it out loud to yourself a few times, and wrote it down like you wanted it read.

I like the poem. I like the whole empowering yourself theme. I am definitely for the women power part. The only thing wrong with the poem was the grammatical errors. You forgot punctuation in some places, and all the wrong things are capitalized. I can understand leaving out capitalization to add to the over all piece, but here, the capitalized letters are just in random spots. Good poem though.

Evocative and honest piece--a feeling of emotional tumult and recovery of self we probably all know. I have no issues reading through, style-wise, but I find myself confused on the random capitalization of some words, especially those not at the beginning of a line. I feel the piece would flow more smoothly with more uniform formatting, especially as goes consistent capitalization, punctuation, and distributing of breath stops. Hope this helps refine your thought.