About me

This is a great poem but you have made a few mistakes. You have made a lot of mistakes such "Im" instead of "I'm".

Hi, keepitogether! (I love your nickname)

I am GeeLyria, and it's a pleasure to meet you. ^_^ Well, first off, I want to welcome you to YWS. And to tell you that if you have any questions about the site, feel free to contact me. :]

Now, let's get to reviewing! =D I like the sincerity of this poem. It just sounds real; it made me feel so human<3 The flowing is neat, and in my opinion this is very likable.

However, I'm here to give you a couple suggestions. I would love to see more uniformity in your piece. And by that I mean that...

- we need a consistent and proper punctuation (commas and periods)
- we need to insert the missing apostrophes (in the "I'm", "it's", etc")
- and we need to divide our lines in a more organized way (as in, it would be nice to see uniformity when it comes to the length of the lines- notice how some are way longer than others)

Why is this important? you may ask. :] Well, the more professional you are, the more serious the reader will take you. And they will listen to what you have to say; they will cry when you cry, and laugh when you laugh. We want you to be heard, and we want the readers to look at your writing and say, "This piece was not only entertaining but was well written. I am a fan." And that is an absolutely great way to start.

Another thing I want to suggest you is to create metaphors! That could be completely fun and entertaining! Compare your feelings to things and verbs and everything! Be more creative, I know you have the potential! And if this sounds like a challenge, you can bet it is! ;]

There's my grain of sand. I will definitely be expecting to hear more from you and your poetry. (Know that at age 14, I wasn't any better than you are... In fact, I was terrible. xD) So you're on the right path, and I hope you enjoy the walk. :]

~GeeLyria

Hi there.

I agree with Benway. It's nice and straightforward. I have some suggestions that would make this piece better.

First, grammar corrections:
-Im should be "I'm" throughout the whole poem
-and should be "an"
-its should be "it's"
-there's a space between "bruised" and the comma that shouldn't be there
-the same issue with spaces and commas applies to just after "heart"
-doesnt should be "doesn't"
-succed should be "succeed"
-commas and spaces thing again after "lesson"
-And shouldn't be capitalized.
-if you're going to capitalize some "I"'s, capitalize all of them.

Now on to the actual content.
"like an abused kid" isn't really doing it for me. Perhaps describe the abused kid a little more? What kinds of qualities does an abused kid have? My mind jumps to (now don't use this, it's not mine) the description of Johnny Cade in The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. She described him as "a little dark puppy that had been kicked too many times and was lost in a crowd of strangers." Think about it. How can you describe "an abused kid" with your own words?

I'd put a line break in between "it's" and "always" to make that line shorter. It'll also create enjambment, which draws the reader's eye on to the next line.

"I'm like an open book" if you make this a metaphor instead of a simile, it will be stronger in the poem. "I am an open book" is stronger than what you've got.

I really like your thoughts about being able to read a book right away, but having to take time to interpret what you've read. Nice.

"you can only wish that things will get better and you'll succeed" you introduce a "you" suddenly. If you're talking to someone specific, introduce them earlier in the poem. If you're saying "you" to mean "I," keep it in first person.

"Is a lesson, and it makes me who I am today." You should cut the second part of the line. If you just say it's a lesson, we can infer that it made you who you are today.

Nice ending. Solid.
I enjoyed reviewing this. Nice. Simple. Keep writing.

A good, tight confessional piece. No digressions, just the hard line of an honest telling of oppression and endurance. I like how this flows. Not musical or terribly stylized, I feel like you're working up a good voice for a long, even multi-section free verse work narrating your feelings, experiences, and their evolution over time. The sort of solid style without a lot of flowers attached that makes good confessional work. Impressions, sentiments, but not too much frill--a good sound sound and flow for a journalism of life and feeling. I see a lot of good and a lot of potential in how you write such feelings. My suggestion would be to sit with this for a while and see if more content can pour forth, prequel and continuation, and most definitely use this is a straight-forward example of good feelings communicated through imperfect technical work. By this, I mean to encourage you to proof read a bit, so that the reader can interface with and feel your work without getting hung up on the rough edges of poor punctuation and small typos. Too good a potential to get scratched up by rough technique.