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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
My feelings are really just kinda messed up here, cause although I like the way it's written, and the way it's just so jarringly different to how most people write or feel, I just feel like it's long winding and maybe even a little annoying because of the grammatical errors. That's really all I hate, the grammatical errors.
The poem is not perfect, and your writing is far from brilliant, but I'm really intrigued by the way you write. So. That's a good start.
Sherlock.
Keepit, Keepit, Keepit! Hey, here's a review from me to you! Let me give you a Chop-up review for this lovely piece of yours.
First of all, I want to praise your interesting way of thinking. You described yourself using different things, your emotion was contained perfectly in those slits of ideas that kinda lined out the whole piece. What I like too is the very normal way of speaking. You're a girl. And you're trying to speak up. The innocence, if I might say, is very striking. However, there are some stuff that you still need to check upon.
Okay, so firstly, I think this line is very, very confusing. They were trying to accomplish wall sits? What does the word sit pertain? Is the wall sitting? Even if it is, the whole sense of the line is misled. Two actions that aren't actually connected have no impact at all. How about dividing the verse into two? I greatly believed that one verses can't contain all the mismatched ideas.
These verses are quite lose, my dear. See, the first verses and second verse had no transition at all. The idea quickly shifted without a division. My advice? Maybe divide it into two or just add more lines that can connect it more.
The preceding line is very great. Using literary devices instead of the common word works great on the piece. The only thing I noticed that isn't the best was the 'i', which were all not
capitalized, which just makes me sad
Do you mean 'hurt by my brother...when his hands were on me'? Something like that? See, feeling while doing something isn't much of an effective line. Try to spice it up. Exchange and disarrange! And don't use feel, it's too weak
Not as. I'm sure he didn't deny it while you're saying it!
Omit was; too wordy, my dear
Well, that's all I can comment on now. I see that you've written a very personal piece, something which can really reach to readers. With a little poke, this can be one of the best personal pieces out there. So do your best and never give up
Good luck!
Your pal,
Al
Thank You