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NOTE: There was a problem with the formatting (line spacing, etc.) so I uploaded a picture of it instead.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hello Katteex! Whatchamacallit here for a review.
First of all, this poem is wonderful and you've created a certain intensity with your words that I love!
I do have a couple really small nitpicks on wording.
In the first stanza, the last line changes tenses slightly compared to the two prior. The first two are in the past tense, then the last one shifts to the present tense. This could be a creative choice, but if you weren't aware of it, you can change it by wording it slightly differently: instead of
"It is deafening the ear of anyone who passes"
you could write
"It deafens the ear of anyone who passes".
One other small thing:
for some reason I feel like the phrase "sporadic agitation" doesn't fit the tone of the rest of poem, but that could just be me. Feel free to leave it in if you like.
Anyway, on a whole I loved the poem.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
This is so so late but thank you so much for the review.
This is awesome!
What I admire about this is your word choice—words such as "yielding", "induced", "revolt" "deviation", "purge", "vacuum", and so on. It gave off this cold, condemning, and analytic tone that really complemented the topic of society like Gravitem mentioned.
Society scourges what it doesn't understand and waters down ideas ("The once resourceful thought, / Mellowing it down, / Into a jagged zipper—half closed." UGH, SUCH AN AMAZING PHRASE) that they perceive as a threat. Your poem absolutely acknowledged that, and I loved it :')
This is oddly nitpicky, and you're totally free to disagree, but the wide difference in lengths of lines in the third stanza, especially between the first line and the portion about the vacuum, stuck out to me as somewhat off-putting. Compared to the other stanzas, which I noticed tended to mostly match with line length or were symmetrical (as in long line, short line, long line), the third stanza just looked a little weird.
I feel that poetry is much as a visual art as it is a literary one. You could split the third stanza in two or more, adjust some of the wording to make the lines "match", or something else entirely. Whatever fits!
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. I'm looking forward to see what else you write!
Thank you for the feedback! I'll be sure to address your suggestions when I edit. I didn't realize it was weird haha I was trying to incorporate the way a vacuum seem to suck things little by little, so the words get's more little and little--or restricted. Just as you've said I wanted the formatting to agree with the words I'm trying to put out. But yea, now that I think about it, I should divide it into two stanzas (in between "to drain" and "the once resourceful thought" so that I could isolate one stanza for the vacuum allegory. Once again, thank you sm!
Wonderful poem. I understand that this is a peom about societies. How the society really just kills an individual who dares to think for himself. This reminds me of the Catholic church 4 centuries ago. A really inspiring poem. I loved it. You've inspired me to write a poem now. THANKS !!!!
Even though I'm a Christian (protestant), what the Catholic did during the medieval period was so gruesome. Oh my goodness, I'm glad that one of my poems inspired you:) It's very fulfilling for me, when I write a poem that creates an impact to the audience . Thank you for this! It made me more eager to write. xxx