Though the point of this poem, not having a for sure main character is for you, the reader, to put in a group of people from today's society that you think feels like this. For me, I felt that young teens felt like this, that is why grammatical parts are not correct. Hence, because they don't care. But please review and enjoy!
We love who we want, do what we want and learn what we feel like learning. We buy what we want, act how we like, and don't care who we hurt in the process as long as we live in the moment.
We don't need advice, life lessons, or lectures. Noone but us knows what's good for our dreams.
For us love conquers all, and when it doesn't drugs and alcohol do. We know nothing yet believe in everything. We don't need money, nice clothes, or a home. We don't need anything.
Just throw us in the dirt instead of burying us. Don't cry and ask why we don't think of anything nut ourselves...
Because it's not that we stopped caring, it's just that we never started.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
It's not that I didn't like this piece, because I truly did! It's just that at first, I wasn't quite sure it was a poem. Maybe a dramatic monologue or a speech of some sort?
While I don't think it has been misfiled, I did enjoy it. It was short enough that I could read it quickly while tackling breakfast, and still managed to find light in the words of your "poem."
So thank you for that!
Keep it up!
Hello! Here to review, of course.
There's no verb after "don't", so that entire sentence is incomplete -- and right at the end of the first paragraph, it's a very glaring error. That's likely where a reader would stop and question themselves, "why am I even reading this?"I'm not quite sure what this is, so I'll be reviewing it as somewhere between a speech and a spoken word poem, if you don't mind.
First thing that strikes my eye is your repetition in the first paragraph that's broken fairly easily by the last sentence. Repetition can be a good thing in some cases, but here it feels a little forced and very derogatory towards whoever it is the subject/speaker of your piece is. I understand if that is your intent for the piece, but it's not even clear who the subject or speaker of your piece are, so it's honestly far too vague and blurry for me to even get emotionally involved in it.
Repetition also makes your narration sound choppy and inconsistent, not to mention downright boring. I'd recommend going through and cutting it, unless you want to use it to the effect of a robotic chant to signify something -- but again, we don't know who the subject or speaker are, what their group is that they're talking about, so it has literally no effect.
You have a number of typos and grammatical errors, and in such a short piece, I'm surprised. Especially with something like this, you need to proofread and double-check everything five times before you post, just to make sure you didn't miss anything. For example:
I think that this piece definitely has potential. You need to watch out for non-specific language, define your speaker and what you're actually speaking about, rewrite so it's not so freaking boring (nearly every sentence is Subject-Verb-Object, so mix it up), and check for typos. This has potential, but right now, it's being wasted. Good luck, and keep writing!
Thank you for the review. Your criticism helped me change this piece, and maybe the beginning clears at least one thing up for you.
Hello!
This is a nice piece you go here, reminds much of a self-absorbed society that we are now in. I liked the message of it. Much like a dramatic monologue! It's emotional and deep per say.
We don't what?
I think it's supposed to be 'for us love conquers all; and when it doesn't, drugs and alcohol do' punctuation. After the second to the last sentence, it was lacking in the chain of thought. Mention something connected to your closing, like: "We just don't realize how materialistic we really are." or something like that. The following lines just needed clean up with the spacing ^^
"anything nut ".....But.
^best line!!!
And that's it! Hope this helps somewhere in the future!
Keep on Dreaming!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
Thanks for the review!
Hi there!
I'm here to review your faaaabulous work!
Hmm this is a tough one. I'm not sure how to go about this one.
I admit, I liked reading what you wrote. I thought it was pretty good. I thought this would be better off as a poem and not as a prose, you know?
Because, for one :it's too short. Usually, short is fine, but this one seems a little too short.
And the lines seem a little too poetic. But who am I to judge; I suck at poetry anyway
Also, grammatically speaking, this prose doesn't show off much use of language. So, maybe you could have elaborated on the lines. But if it was a poem, then it would have been just perf. Like really.
Also, I totes agree with the message in this passage.
Has to be the best line and also my favorite line!
Yeah, this review will be short because there isn't much to work with here. Yeah, I liked it. I thought it was really great
Hoping to see more works,
Keep Writing!
Thanks!