you fire off missiles cause you hate yourself
but do you know you’re demolishing me?
-taylor swift
i swear the universe must hate me, despise me
it’s the cold war all over again, missiles raining
down onto my town, covering it all in ash
soot plastered onto everything i hold dear
like that old picture of us when we were
truly happy, not that superficial stuff they
package into energy drinks and capitalist hobbies
the Rumary park, me in my purple polka dots
and them in their own apparel, that’s changed
even though mine is the same, still cherishing
polka dots even though they’ve all moved on
now, 13 miles away you’re sending me into
a metaphorical crisis like we’re America
and the world is our enemy, trying to
demolish us, fire on our town and all
the memories we made at Rumary park
all those years ago, and i know that you’ve
changed but i still care for you the same
and i know you care for me too
the foolish hope that’s always filled me curses
the proxy wars the world puts us through won’t
scratch the surface of our fighter airplane
that’s gone around the world for years
the pocket watch won’t stop moving
110 minutes since they said they’d
be home, not like it changes anything
because you can’t come home yet,
stuck in another one of those wars you face
while i’m forced to watch along the sidelines
and send my forces your way, even if
my country protests like with Vietnam
as i get too tired, eyes drooping,
disappearing to a land
we can only visit now in our dreams
as my eyelashes flutter shut, i wish
foolishly that you’ll be in your room
the one that used to be mine but you
got it because you’re older and wiser than me
across the hallway from me, sleeping in far
too late like you always do, while i wake up
earlier than you’d ever imagine to do
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138,711 Literary Works • 672,251 Reviews
This is truly amazing and so full of feeling.
I like the unique way you referenced war and equated the conflict with strong worries toward a loved one, as well as how you tied everything in to a specific location, Rumary Park.
Okayyy, so this was so good. I LUUV it. I thought the topic of the poem wasn't a very commonly picked topic so it definitely gave your poem individuality. Also, I just wanted to say your writing style comes off very clear with the first few lines - which is a great thing. Although, I want to point out softly that I found it slightly difficult to find the rhythm and beat (as a characteristic of the majority of poems is ABAB or ABCA etc). However, I think that can easily be fixed by placing more full stops and grammar, which would definitely slow the pacing, giving the reader more time to soak up the beauty of your poem as it truly is lovely.
Overall, I love the theme of your poem and it has such a strong essence, as well as realism to it. I also admire that you took inspo from a Taylor Swift lyric. Something that would help and make it tighter and smoother would simply be to add CAPITAL letters when starting a new line. As well as grammar and full stops to make the continuation cleaner.
If you're a bit lost on what I mean, an example is:
''as my eyelashes flutter shut, i wish
foolishly that you’ll be in your room
the one that used to be mine but you
got it because you’re older and wiser than me
across the hallway from me, sleeping in far"
Could be adjusted as:
''As my eyelashes flutter,
foolishly wishing that you’ll be in your room.
The one that used to be mine,
but you got cause you’re older and wiser.
Across the hallway from me, sleeping in far'' etc.
Nevertheless, at the end of the day it's your poem.
FELLOW YWS MEMBER!!!!!!
! Using that Taylor Swift quote as a launchpad was such a brilliant move because it sets this massive and cinematic stage for the rest of the piece! The way you weave those Cold War metaphors through something so personal feels so sophisticated and heavy. I am honestly reeling from the imagery of the missiles raining down on Rumary Park. It turns a childhood memory into a total battlefield!! Your wording here is just... WOWIEEE! YUMMY! EATABLE- lol not actually EATABLE- but you get what I mean. Words like superficial, protests, and metaphorical give it such a mature and intellectual weight while still feeling like a punch to the heart. And that ending?! The contrast between these global "proxy wars" and just wanting someone to be in the room across the hallway has me actually devastated! Your command of emotional storytelling and historical parallels is just perfection! I LOVE IT ALLLLLLLLL!!!! I have one tip tho, you can use italics and bolding to make it with more feeling or enhance it!! That's all!
I am absolutely CAPTIVATED by this!!
-Klee 2.o Kaboom :3
Nataleee
I love the political undertones this is fantastic. Very powerful. The metaphor of love as was is something that I really enjoy