TW(?): Heavy criticism and negative experiences about Mormonism and religion. Please don't read this if you think it will offend you.
i was raised to believe
that my soul was born wicked
that evil contaminated my body
only the world’s singular
perfect man could save me
and redeem me and my wicked self.
when i was 8
i was dunked into sterile water
while wearing a white jumpsuit
that made me feel uncomfortable.
then, the hands of five adult men
were placed on top of my head
to give me the gift of the “holy spirit”
that would stay with me
as long as I followed
exactly what the church told me to do.
and i don’t remember
feeling the spirit
i was told i would feel,
i just remember the gross feeling
of these men’s heavy hands on my head.
but i was told
that the experience of that day
was the most holy day
i had experienced thus far
and that the only experience
that would top that day
would be my wedding
where i would be treated
like just another bride
in a bridal factory,
being sealed to a man
whose soul would be more pure
and more valuable than mine.
at age 12
i was taught
that if i wore a tank top
that showed my shoulders,
the preteen boys
would be tempted by me,
think sinful thoughts about my body.
i would become pornography
and it would be all my fault.
i was indoctrinated that
my body was something
to be ashamed of,
something to cover up,
and to this day
i’ve never worn a tank top
because of how deeply
that lie impacted me.
at age 14
i realized that everything
i had been taught
was a complete
and utter deception.
i realized that my religion
was built upon
mountains and mountains
of fabricated lies
meant to manipulate me
into being the way
these old white men
thought that i should be.
so at 15 i left.
i ran as fast as i could
through the maple trees,
through the fake green grass
of the grove
that was supposed to be sacred
but was actually home
to an evil, lying, conniving
man with beady eyes
that started the lies
upon which the organization
was built.
and i began to realize
that maybe my soul isn’t evil
and that maybe
i am not wicked.
maybe, just maybe
my soul is good
my soul is pure and full of light
and in reality,
the evil leaders
whom i was supposed to obey
and never question,
are truly the ones with the evil souls.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I’ve been meaning to review this one for a really long time, and now I’m finally doing it! Yay!
it reads a bit more like line breaks inserted into prose. Perhaps to soften this a bit but retain the cut and culty effect, you could restructure some of the lines to read less like a broken up sentence, if that makes sense. Otherwise, I don’t have any faults with the poem.#FF8080 ">initial thoughts and noticings
I’ve told you before but I LOVE this poem so, so much! Even though our experiences with Mormonism are different, you still wrote about it in a way that is not only relatable, but puts readers in the shoes of the narrator. The first time I read it I cried because the emotions are so strong and so powerful. I love the feelings you poured into your words and how I was able to find some of my own feelings in your lines.
the sweetest, best parts
My favorite thing about this poem is how raw and emotional it feels, while still being true to the experiences it depicts. It is honest and unfiltered, and a beautiful exploration of the feeling of being trapped in a religion and belief system that doesn’t fit you or respect you.
I like what you did with the way you organized the poem, starting out with “at age __” and listing events that happened during those times. This makes the eventual disruption of that structure with “so at 15 i left.” feel more powerful and hold more significance. You add more words to the line that completely change the meaning, showing the final breaking out of this toxic relationship with religion.
Also the title oh my goodness. It's so heartbreaking and hopeful and reminds me of what it's like to be a Mormon child learning for the first time that your soul is supposedly tainted with sin.
critiques/suggestions
Something that didn’t sit right with me about this poem is that it feels a bit unintentionally choppy in some places. I love a good poem with lines that cut off in strange spots to make the reader think or reflect the uncomfortable emotions/thoughts the poem presents, a style that your poem has traces of. However, there are a few lines where this effect doesn’t come through all the way for me. For example, in this section
my favorite lines
closing thoughts
This is a great exploration of Mormonism and the pain it can cause, especially for young girls. The closing lines really emphasize your message like a welcome hit to the heart.
You handled this topic with intelligence, sensitivity, and most importantly with honesty. I think it is really important to write/speak about things like this so people can understand the problems that arise from organized religion and Mormonism especially. It’s not that the people in these religions or Christianity itself are inherently evil, or even that their beliefs are wrong. The problem is the unjust systems within organized religion and the negative effects on the lives of people in these religions, especially those from groups typically discriminated against that the church has a history of harming.
I love this poem so much. It is so honest and emotional and real. It hurts to read, but also heals something inside of me. I hope writing this and sharing it brought you some form of relief and healing as well.
whoops accidentally submitted my review as a comment
I liked reading this poem quite some bit! The way it's written makes it easy to read and still manages to tell a story nicely at length. What I do wish to see more of is possibly description, but even without depth in the description, it definitely gives what you need to paint a picture! The ending feels very hopeful and bright but uncertain and I think that's a great ending to have and it leaves you with some questions due to the uncertainty. Oh yea, so my advice for creating better description would likely be to provide better adjectives for things and phrase things in a less direct way such as using show not tell and possibly more figurative language. That is simply my suggestion! My favorite parts were, "and the only experience / that would top that day / would be my wedding day / where i would be treated / like just another bride / in a bridal factory, / being sealed to men / whose soul would be more pure / and more valuable than mine." and, "i ran as fast as i could / through the maple trees," I liked the part about weddings because of how it's paced and I enjoyed how you compared marriage to a bridal factory and you being sealed away to men because people in that religion made you feel inferior to them. It's a nice use of language in it! And, with the part where you were running, I thought that was a nice line to attach some description in because nature is always fun to describe. The last thing I really liked about it was how you showed the youngness and naivety in it throughout the poem with starting the stanzas with, "at age 12," and so forth.
Overall, I believe this to have much potential, but the execution was poor unfortunately. I can tell much effort was put inside this and I have a great respect for effort. Congratulations and the more you write the more you improve! You've got this ♡
Sorry if my review turned out a little mean sounding, I've been trying to work better at putting criticism!
Okay two things I have to say.
at age 12
i was taught
that if i wore a tank top
that showed my shoulders,
the preteen boys
would be tempted by me,
think sinful thoughts about my body.
i would become pornography
and it would be all my fault.
i was indoctrinated that
my body was something
to be ashamed of,
something to cover up,
and to this day
I’ve never worn a tank top
I know that this is nothing about religio, but I've grew up with a strict mom. Ever since I was entering puberty and my teen years, tank tops were not allowed. Every single part of my body had to be covered up, and it still is. That's my first comment.
Okay the next part is
i am not wicked.
maybe, just maybe
my soul is good
my soul is pure and full of light
and in reality,
the evil leaders
whom i was supposed to obey
and never question,
are truly the ones with the evil souls.
Saying that you were born wicked is something nobody should say to anybody. How do you know if someone is wicked, when they were just born? When they are just a child? Now, I'm religious as well, and my beliefs is that we are all born with sin, but we are not wicked. We haven't done anything wicked. We haven’t done anything wicked. We are still learning, still growing, and still discovering who we are.
Okay two things I have to say.
at age 12
i was taught
that if i wore a tank top
that showed my shoulders,
the preteen boys
would be tempted by me,
think sinful thoughts about my body.
i would become pornography
and it would be all my fault.
i was indoctrinated that
my body was something
to be ashamed of,
something to cover up,
and to this day
I’ve never worn a tank top
I know that this is nothing about religio, but I've grew up with a strict mom. Ever since I was entering puberty and my teen years, tank tops were not allowed. Every single part of my body had to be covered up, and it still is. That's my first comment.
Okay the next part is
i am not wicked.
maybe, just maybe
my soul is good
my soul is pure and full of light
and in reality,
the evil leaders
whom i was supposed to obey
and never question,
are truly the ones with the evil souls.
Saying that you were born wicked is something nobody should say to anybody. How do you know if someone is wicked, when they were just born? When they are just a child? Now, I'm religious as well, and my beliefs is that we are all born with sin, but we are not wicked. We haven't done anything wicked. We haven’t done anything wicked. We are still learning, still growing, and still discovering who we are.
This poem powerfully delves into religious manipulation, the initial lack of punctuation and enjambments create a unique voice that carries each sentence like a separate barrel of weight on the story-teller. There could have been more room left for assumption to the reader as it was quite direct but that also could have been the intention of the author. The ending carries great weight but also brings resolution with an optimistic note at the end of a long period of darkness. The emotions could have been presented in a more overpowering way instead of so directly, although the information was being given in that way, emotions can be expressed in a more indirect and interpretable way or in a more overpowering way If the character was feeling numb the simplicity of the sentences could have been even more amplified.