Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
September 26th, 2016
There were three things that Jaime Rider never left home without: her flash-drive, her pocketknife, and her red headphones. Even a quick trip to her grandmother’s townhouse required Jaime to gear up. She never knew when she’d have to jump into action.
Jaime was young, but she prided herself on her self-reliance. She knew how to navigate the city, both above and underground. Jaime and a few of her friends from school spent their afternoons exploring the urban landscape. They’d start fires in abandoned buildings or sneak their way onto rooftops. Jaime still remembered the night they slept on the roof of a high rise across from the heart of the city.
In fact, she had walked past that same high rise today on her way to the subway. Jaime was on her way to visit her grandmother, who had been a well-renowned researcher back in her younger years. She was no longer as spry as she used to be, but she claimed that she could live alone in the city just fine. Jaime knew for a fact that she kept a handgun under one of her couch cushions. Totally against all gun regulations in the state, but in Jaime’s eyes, the illegal gun just made her all the more cool. The woman lived in a more upscale part of the city, a far cry from the crowded apartment Jaime shared with her mum and older brothers. Her grandmother had offered to help the Rider’s along, but Jaime’s mother had refused the assistance. Something to do with what her grandmother called “sour grapes”.
Either way, Jaime had to visit her grandmother today. She had a nasty cold and Jaime’s mum had made soup.
As she stood in the muggy subway car, clutching her backpack close to her side, Jaime played with the flash-drive in her pocket, taking the cap on and off of it with her index finger and thumb. She couldn’t afford a computer at home, and so all her important documents were saved on it.
The subway flew into a station. Jaime checked the time. Seven minutes before noon. She was going to be late, even if she did take the shortcuts.
The car slowed to a stop and the doors opened. Jaime shuffled over to get out of the way. As the doors closed, one of the conductors entered the car and started checking tickets by scanning the microchips embedded in the passengers’ wrists. Jaime held out her wrist as he walked by, and tried not to look at the scar that was still visible on her dark skin. Implantation had happened over the summer, and Jaime still wasn’t used to the new regime.
If anything, she was against it. Her mother reprimanded her and told Jaime not to voice these opinions, but Jaime had never been good at keeping her mouth shut. She had already been suspended from school twice for “disrupting the new order”.
As the train conductor continued his pass though the crowded car, someone bumped into Jaime. She instinctually pulled her bag closer and turned to glare at the perpetrator.
“Sorry hun,” a voice said.
Jaime turned to see a young man standing behind her, possibly in his mid-twenties. He had dark hair and fair skin, with strange, grey eyes.
Jaime ignored him and turned back around. What a creep.
“Hey, kiddo, are you Marilyn Rider’s granddaughter?”
Jaime froze at the mention of her grandmother’s name. Who is this?
Jaime looked back at him. “Depends who’s asking.”
“Aiden McKay. I worked with her in the labs back in the day. She used to have pictures of you up. How is she?”
“Sick,” said Jaime, cautiously.
“Oh, are you on your way to visit her now?”
“Look, I’m not supposed to—”
“—talk to strangers. Right, right, I know. She was just a huge role model for me. You know.”
The train arrived at Jaime’s stop and she stepped out. “I gotta go.”
“Hey, you should pick her up some clementines before you get there,” yelled Aiden. “She loved those when she was sick!”
The doors shut and Jaime quickly exited the platform. Clementines?
There was a supermarket on the way to her grandmother’s place. It did seem like Aiden knew her grandmother. And she was already late, a few clementines never hurt anyone. So, Jaime stopped at the market.
On her way out, she called her grandmother to let her know that she was still coming.
Two rings later and her grandmother picked up.
“Hello?”
Her voice sounded off. God, she must really be sick.
“Hi, it’s Jaime. I’m late but I’m on my way.”
There was a pause before her grandmother answered “All right.”
“How’s the cold? You sound… different.”
“Oh, it’s all in the chest. My nose is running, too. Better in than out, though.”
“Right,” said Jaime. “Anyways, I’m two blocks away. Subway was really crowded.”
“It’s okay. I’ll see you in a bit, fam.” said her grandmother.
“Fam?” echoed Jaime. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
“Of course!” said her grandmother quickly. “I’ve just been learning some new young-people words these days. Better to understand you kids.”
“I’ll be there soon.” Jaime hung up, her pulse quickening. Was it another stroke? What if something was wrong and she would be too late?
Jaime started to run now, pushing past pedestrians on the sidewalk. She leaped up the stairs of the townhouse and pushed open the door. It wasn’t locked.
“Gran? You left your door unlocked.”
Silence. Jaime crept through the elegant foyer and into the living room. “Gran? I said you left your front door unlocked.”
“That’s right,” said a low voice. “Better to catch you—”
Something slammed Jaime back and she fell into the coffee table. She turned to see the face of Aiden McKay standing near her. His hands were covered in blood, and behind him Jaime saw the motionless body of her grandmother on the floor.
“What did you do!” screamed Jaime.
Aiden balanced a small microchip on his red thumbnail. “They sell good, the microchips of moderately famous people. Or you can reprogram these boys to suit your identity, with all the credentials of the person you took it from.”
“What did you do!” screamed Jaime again. “Did you—?”
“Unfortunately, she tried to fight me,” said Aiden.
Jaime pushed herself back away from him, her mind reeling. Oh my god. What now? I did this.
There was the flash of light reflecting off metal and suddenly, Aiden rushed for her with a knife. Wait a minute. It was her pocketknife. The same one that she carried everywhere.
He took it when he bumped into me.
He made a slash at her chip wrist and Jaime pulled her hand back. “You can’t remove these! You’ll hit an artery or something!”
Jaime already knew that Aiden didn’t care about arteries. He had the will to kill.
What happened next was so jumbled and confused in Jaime’s memory that she could never quite explain how it all went down.
Her hand reached under the couch cushion and pulled out her late grandmother’s handgun. As Aiden took another slash at her, she raised the gun and he bristled back.
“You wouldn’t do that,” he taunted. “You can’t.”
Anger bubbled and popped inside Jaime, like molten lava. This man had taken her grandmother. She wasn’t scared anymore.
The next thing she knew, the gun’s kickback had thrown her down and Aiden was falling to the floor, a crimson trickle flowing out right below his heart. Jaime gasped and looked away from the gory sight. Her hands were still clenched around the gun and her ears were ringing and it all had happened too fast.
Aiden sputtered and gasped on the ground. Jaime tried to stand, but her legs had gone weak with the adrenaline of the moment. She had to run. She’d surely be arrested, right? Am I a killer?
Get up, get up.
And then Jaime was running, out the back door, through alleyways and side streets. Far away from the dead in her grandmother’s parlor.
The gun was slipped into her backpack. She had taken Aiden’s wallet. Jaime would need the money. Sirens wailed in the distance and Jaime decided at that moment that she would run away.
They can track your chip. It needs to be taken out.
But she couldn’t take it out. It was her life. She would need someone to hack it. Just like Aiden did. She’d need a new name, a new identity.
Just turn yourself in. They’ll understand.
What if they didn’t, though? What if she was sent to juvie, or worse? What would happen to her?
No. She’d run.
The thirteen-year-old ran all the way to the public library and this was where she opened Aiden’s wallet.
Of course, Aiden wasn’t his real name. Mason Wolf.
She pulled out old receipts and loose dollar bills before her hands seized a piece of paper with an address to Aiden’s chip hacking contacts.
And two weeks later, as she evaded the missing person alerts and desperate pleas from her mother to turn herself in, Jaime worked on her new mission.
Mason Wolf’s partner in crime had been his brother. Jaime was ready for revenge. She’d find this accomplice. Mason had underestimated her ability to kill. Eli Wolf would pay for his brother’s sins. Gran did not deserve this.
Jaime had changed her name and her appearance. Her very identity was new to her. As she logged into an IRC chat on a public library computer, her screenname flashed on the display.
Red_Rider has entered the chat.
It was time to go to work.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi @jumpingsheep! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!
I have a few things.
One:
I love how this is a modern Little Red Riding Hood. Hardly the most original idea in the world, I gotta admit, as I've fantasized about doing this topic myself several times, but you turned it into a really good story.
Two:
Should be Riders'.
Three:
Maybe explain how the grandmother died a little more?
Four:
Should be "instinctively".
Five:
Why is this named Will? There is no "Will" in the story, as far as I can tell. And I read it twice! Maybe change it to "Red_Rider" or something like that.
Six:
I was a little confused about the market thing. I understand that it was where Jaime was sent so
Aidencan kill Jaime's grandmother but you should make the time and place a little more specific.Seven:
Is it Jaime or Jamie? Apparently Jaime is a boy's name, so I think you meant Jamie.
Aaaaand, that's it for reviewing! I hope that this was useful and keep writing!
-- Kara Stevens
Hello! I've always loved retellings of fairy tales, and I love how modern objects and problems are integrated into this story. But, of course, this review would be completely useless if their was no criticism, so here it is.
I. "Something to do with what her grandmother called 'sour grapes'." If this is a reference to the story from Aesop's fables where the fox can't reach the grapes and so says 'They were probably sour grapes anyway.', I love the reference as it's used subtly in a story with a wolf, but if I'm right, I think you're using the phrase wrong. If I'm wrong, then I'm as baffled by the meaning as Jaime.
II. "Jaime was young, but she prided herself on her self-reliance. She knew how to navigate the city, both above and underground." An underground city? Please elaborate.
III. "As she stood in the muggy subway car, clutching her backpack close to her side, Jaime played with the flash-drive in her pocket, taking the cap on and off of it with her index finger and thumb." This isn't criticism, I just love how modern everything is.
IV. "As the doors closed, one of the conductors entered the car and started checking tickets by scanning the microchips embedded in the passengers’ wrists." Huh? It's futuristic now? This might be taking the whole 'modern' thing a little too far. In my opinion.
V. " Implantation had happened over the summer, and Jaime still wasn’t used to the new regime.
If anything, she was against it." These should be part of the same paragraph.
VI. "'disrupting the new order'." Is this a dystopia?!
VII. "She instinctually pulled her bag closer..." I think it's instinctively. They might be interchangeable, but it just doesn't sound right to me.
VIII. "Aiden McKay." Since this is the wolf, I'd have his name allude to something wolfish, like having his last name be 'Lupine' or something. It's kinda cliché, but I like it.
IX. I didn't get a sense of time passing between going to the supermarket and calling Gramma.
X. "Better to understand you kids." I love this!
XI. "'What did you do!'" There should be a question mark.
XII. "...he bristled back." I love the wolfish reference, but this should be "...he bristled and stepped back." or something.
XIII. "Of course, Aiden wasn’t his real name. Mason Wolf." I really like this, but it doesn't totally make sense for him to have changed his implant, but still have his real name in his wallet.
XIV. I don't understand the name of the story.
I really liked the new take on Little Red Riding Hood and I advise making a sequel.
Feltrix
Hi @Feltrix --
I think that what @jumpingsheep means by "Underground" is like a black market, kind of. All cities have a part of them that's infested with criminals.
Hello jumpingsheep, Feather here to review!
First, I'd like to say this was a very fun piece to read. It keeps to the story of Red Riding Hood, but not so closely that it's boring to read. I like how it is modern day. Also, your writing is very clean, without many grammatical errors or typos.
The only piece of criticism I have is in this sentence: "Far away from the dead in her grandmother’s parlor." I think 'death' would fit better here, but of course it is your choice.
All in all, this is a nice piece.
Keep writing and good luck,
Feather
Hey jumpingsheep!
That being said, there are still some things which could be improved a bit!
I always like good retellings of fairytails. This one was really intriguing! I liked that you set it not only in the modern world, but in an alternate world.
You go over the importance of the flash drive and the pocketknife, but the headphones are never mentioned. I think they should be, as they are one of her three essentials. I'm actually wondering why she has them as an essential in the first place- she doesn't use them, and they aren't mentioned again. Maybe you could point out their importance to her? Just a thought.
The whole starting fires thing seems to contrast with the rest of the paragraph. Jaime is clearly an adventurous girl who doesn't mind getting on the dangerous or illegal side of things, but I don't know why she would just set fires in buildings- committing arson- just for the heck of it. She seems a little more cautious than that. You just put that out there and ignore it all the rest of the story. I would consider either taking it out or putting reasons behind it and making it a stronger part of her character.
Sorry to nitpick, but it should be Riders.
Instinctually is alright there, but I feel like instinctively sounds a bit better. I think they're essentially interchangeable, so it's your choice on that.
So I actually have quite a bit to say about the plot. You follow the classic story of the wolf tricking little red riding hood, but in your version Jaime is so savvy that I find it hard to believe that she was really tricked so easily. She was clearly suspicious of "Aiden", but didn't do anything about it. Also- did her grandmother actually love clementines? It's hard to tell if Jaime already knew about this or not. If she did, I wonder where Aiden learned that, and if she didn't, wouldn't that be suspicious too? She probably knows her grandmother better.
So, if the microchips of "moderately famous people" sell well, why would Aiden try to get Jaime's? She isn't famous as far as we know. Aiden must've had goals to get them both all along- otherwise, he wouldn't have approached her Gran's home when he knew she was coming, and he talked to her earlier on the subway . Why did he want to get Jaime's though? Also, if he was prepared for this, why did he have to steal Jaime's knife? He wouldn't have even known it was in her pocket, so it would have been pure luck that he happened to steal it from her, and I don't think he would've left it up to chance. Just some thoughts!
Then we have the ending. You've been building up, and then the ending just kind of rushes out all at once, and I think you could slow it down a bit. Jaime doesn't really mean to kill him, but then suddenly she's not afraid to kill- moreover, she's prepared to hunt down this man's brother and hurt him to get revenge. She just ignores her mother: first of all, she shouldn't be in contact with anyone she used to know if she's truly on the run. She would've disposed of her old phone and such. Okay, but say her mother is reaching her, like you say. And Jaime just ignores her? Her essentials do not include food or money or a safe place to stay! Since she (presumably) took her chip out to go undercover, it doesn't look like she can take the subway anymore or get food on her own. Besides, she's still in school, so no matter how independent she is, she has a family and it doesn't make sense that she can just totally forget about them just to avenge her Gran.
Overall, nice job interpreting this fairytale and making it into something new! I haven't read anything quite like this before.
-Falco