z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Sunrise

by jumpingsheep


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

May 3rd, 2017

Four-thirty am.

A Wednesday.

Becca awoke to her phone chiming, its hollow tone filling the dead space of her apartment. She sat up, pushing her grey comforter off her shoulders and squinting at the glowing text on her screen.

>He’s coming.

Becca’s stomach dipped as she read the message. She read the message again, letting the words settle on her lips. He’s coming.

Fingers trembling with anticipation, she typed a reply. >I’ll

Her stomach twisted into a knot as she completed the sentence in her head.

be there as soon as possible. Don’t speak to him until I’ve arrived.

Was this it? Was she going to take the lead on this?

She took a deep breath to quell the impending feeling of doom. The anxiety was always there, a constant throbbing in her chest. Sometimes, Becca felt like she was seconds away from exploding. She shut her eyes, blocking out the message from her line of vision so that she could think. Of course she had to go in. This was hers.

But…

Instead of the first message she had written, she typed another one instead.

>Where is he? ETA?

The response seconds later.

>London. He’ll be here in about eight hours. We need all hands on deck.

Okay. Becca took a deep breath. I can do this, right?

Ever since it all happened, it had gotten harder and harder to focus on the tasks at hand. What was the point of all of this, really? For posterity’s sake? What posterity would care?

>I’ll be there soon.

Becca slid off her bed and her feet hit the black yoga mat that lay on the floor. She couldn’t have gotten more than three hours of sleep. It was at least one in the morning when she opened her apartment door to ask the college students loitering in the hall if they could quiet down.

They had raised their eyebrows and a few snickered before retreating to the unit down the hall. If Becca could afford to move out of this building, she would. The kids in this complex were plenty reason to leave, and they seemed to enjoy the attention whenever she told them off. It was like they were loud for the sake of being loud.

There was apartment down the hall that was especially troublesome. Strangely enough, the weekends at that unit were quiet, but as the week went on, the visitors started showing up at all hours, slamming doors and talking loudly. Their arguments could be heard all the way down at Becca’s apartment. She’d confront the owners, except she wasn’t sure who was paying for the apartment. There were at least four or five regulars that were in and out.

But now the complex was quiet and Becca rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. When was the last time she had been able to get a good night’s sleep? She’d have to pick up a coffee on the way.

Okay. I can do this. Time to get going.

Becca took a lukewarm shower and then got dressed while the newscaster on the television behind her talked about the end of the world.

That’s all that was on the news these days.

One more time, Becca reminded herself you can do this.

Her phone buzzed one more time.

>I’m sure you already know this, but we’re not releasing anything on this yet. Keep it quiet.

Of course. They’d want to turn him.

>How important is he?

>Very.

Becca slipped on her shoes and took a quick glimpse into the mirror on her way out. Dutler wouldn’t have given you this assignment if he didn’t think you could handle this. Time to give these bastards hell.

And with that, as orange sunlight began to filter through the shades, Becca slung her bag over her left shoulder and prepared herself to interview Suspect Number One.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
802 Reviews


Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 5:59 am
View Likes
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, jumpingsheep. Happy Review Day!

Becca awoke to her phone chiming, its hollow tone filling the dead space of her apartment. She sat up, pushing her grey comforter off her shoulders and squinting at the glowing text on her screen.
The lack of details of her surroundings works sooo well! You told me everything I needed to know, and I imagined the rest without a hint of difficulty. Every word has a purpose, and the quick pacing and small paragraphs add to the tension and desperation of the story.

There was apartment down the hall that was especially troublesome.
I think you meant to say 'there was an apartment...'

Of course. They’d want to turn him.
So far, this chapter has been almost fifty percent digital, compromised of her texts. The texts, and then her short thoughts afterwards, work brilliantly. You've done a lot of showing instead of telling and I hope you carry on in this way later on in your story.

That's all from me. Sorry that this is so short!

Image




User avatar
378 Reviews


Points: 3775
Reviews: 378

Donate
Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:24 am
View Likes
Omni wrote a review...



Hey there jumpingsheep! Let's dive right in.

Becca’s stomach dipped as she read the message. She read the message again,


Repetition here doesn't suit what you're aiming to do too well. Maybe consider changing the second "she read the message" to something like "Her eyes flicked over the words again and again, letting the words sink in and settle on her lips..."

Instead of the first message she had written, she typed another one instead.


You repeated "Instead" here. I'd suggest removing the second one.

For posterity’s sake? What posterity would care?


You actually caught me on that. I didn't actually know what "posterity" meant here. I like it!

It was at least one in the morning when she opened her apartment door to ask the college students loitering in the hall if they could quiet down.


This description caught me off-guard here. For a moment, I couldn't actually tell that you wanted us to know that this happened in the past. It took me going back up to the top to connect the dots between this time and the time before.

I would suggest that you merge this sentence and the sentence before it, like so:

It seemed like only three hours ago when she opened her apartment door to ask the college students loitering in the hall to quiet down before she went to sleep. Wait... it was actually three hours ago.


General Thoughts

Well, I'm intrigued. This is simple, straight-forward, but has enough to let the reader ponder about what is actually happening.

The only thing I would say is that I don't quite understand where the neighbors in the apartment fit in (my best thought was drug dealers) and why there was so much details involving them (more than anything else in this story, even the main focus). I can gather that Becca, the main character, is involved in something along the lines of CIA that finally got their biggest suspect on something that supposedly has to do with the end of the world. Am I close?

It's a simple story, not much here to go on. Besides what I talked about above, I didn't see any kind of glaring grammar or syntax issues. I do think that the segment about the neighbors could be better suited with something pertaining more to the issue at hand (Becca and this man who's coming in from London) or hint to the underlying story more. If it actually does hint to the story, I'm just not getting how.

Does this story pertain at all to Story #1 ? I didn't read that, if so.

Anyway, I'd love to see this come to fruition if you're ever wanting to write it. I hope this helped and keep writing! <3




jumpingsheep says...


Thank you for this review! This story does relate to Story #1 (in a few ways) and eventually these shorts will come together to form a larger story. The details about the other neighbors are important, but I will see if I can possible draw some attention away from them and back to the main storyline of this episode. Thank you again! I'll also fix the other details/edits that you pointed out.



Omni says...


Ah okay, I'll go read the first story then, and maybe do a review on that one as well.

If the neighbors are important, I guess I'm just not seeing it. Perhaps you could give more hints as to why they're important? That whole part felt out of place to me and I couldn't actually get why it was in the story.

But, this is cool and I can't wait to read the rest!




I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina