I feel like I’m hollow
That I have been left to the emptiness of my soul
Alone in the darkness
Left to the scavengers
The ones sent to consume and obliterate
They gnaw at my soul and laugh at my pain
WHY
Why can’t they leave my wounds to heal?
Instead they take any light I might see and shatter it with fear
Digging into my heart
Finding any weakness and stabbing it with a knife made of the blood I’ve shed
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Hey there, jls1638! This a pretty good poem, and I feel as if I can relate to it a lot, especially on some of those really bad days. I like the fact that this is a free verse poem because it helps this kind of poem flow more. Although, there is no punctuation, except for the question mark after line eight, which doesn't really go with the rest of the poem. I think that there should be commas and periods in this, but not too many of them. Other than those few little things, this is a great poem. Four out of five.
Hasta la vista,
DeltaEcho
Wow, this is very deep and honest. Very good job and keep up the great work!
Hi there! Alliyah is here to review your poem!
doesn't say very much at all. The reader really doesn't know what the speaker is asking and it just seems odd in the middle of the poem. Line 8 better accomplishes the task that line 7 tries to complete. If you're going to leave in line 7, I'd at least put a question mark to be consistent with line 8. Or not put any question marks at all to remain consistent.Grammar/Wording:
This is extremely loose free verse. But just because a poem is free verse does not mean that line breaks, capitalization, and punctuation are unimportant in fact it often mean that they are more important. Because you can change them in any way that fits the message you want to convey.
To make the poem look cleaner I think you should consider breaking up at least lines 2,9,11 into separate lines. These ones seem particularly long and out of place. Your poem would flow better if the lines had a more similar amount of syllables.
I would break line 2 like such: "That I have been left/ to the emptiness/ of my soul" this would put left, emptiness, and soul at the ends of lines and these are all good words to emphasize all three are powerful ending words that could get lost in the middle of a long line.
*EDIT* The last line is obnoxiously long, sorry. You are confusing grammar with structure (just because something is not all one thought does not mean it can't go in separate lines). You are sacrificing rhythm and flow for the sake of some clarity. But the last line is in fact so long that you lose clarity. Separating a long sentence into multiple lines allows a reader to soak in meaning, words, and emotion at each line break but having this extensive line is exactly the same as forgetting to break a prose piece into paragraphs. By the time I get to the end of the line I no longer care about the first half of the sentence because there were no line breaks. Sorry if this is harsh, but I want you to do well in poetry, and refusing to do line breaks mid-sentence will make it hard to write great poetry (not impossible but difficult) *EDIT*
Other Suggestions:
In line 7
Content/Message:
You portray a gruesome destruction/mockery of a heart. The whole poem seems like a metaphor for something very painful but the title suggests the reader feels no pain from the incident. What I dislike about this poem is that I have a hard time relating to it, not because I've never been felt hurt or numb of emotion, but because I have no idea what caused the speaker's pain.
There's no need to go into detail about what is causing the pain in order to portray your message, but I think in order to feel true sympathy for the speaker the reader needs to know at least the bare minimum of what is source of the speaker's pain. Whether it's a loss of love, loss of a life or friendship, sickness, fear, poverty! If you pin down the pain into some category the reader will be able to relate better to the poem and be attached personally to the emotion you are portraying.
Your word choice is good and somewhat unique but the poem just reads sort of blank (I guess maybe that's because the pain is numb..) I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for the speaker without knowing anything about them as a person or what caused their pain.
Good luck in future writing!
~Alliyah
Thank you for the review, it always helps to get comments and feedback. I know that the lines you pointed out are longer than the others and stick out but the reason I didn't separate them is because it's one thought not three separate ones. The "WHY" is someone's soul screaming and then in the next line it's explained. I didn't hint at any subject because in my opinion detracts from the sole purpose of the poem, and that is to convey a certain feeling.
Thanks so much for the review. The thing about the question mark is that I didn't put it in. My word document automatically put it in and I just didn't catch it so thanks for pointing it out.