I am 21 years old.
Still I am, unchanged,
or so I think.
The voices I hear in silence,
without the company of others,
are none other than mine.
I think it creepy, still,
it keeps me company --
my sanity forever
in check...
When I was 18
I thought myself great.
It wasn't a cheap arrogance,
the romance was more vivid than that.
I was a believer.
I had faith in beauty,
that thoughts could be
beautiful, despite its flaws.
I took pride in my voice,
the voice I still hear to this day
but no longer heed --
I wasn't ashamed back then,
am I now?
When I was 19
I thought I knew.
A strange idea, really:
to think you know...
Such a comment is only valid
in hindsight, really, for today
I think not,
I know not,
but still I am...
or am I?
Truth was grand back then,
when I thought I knew,
it was simple and it affirmed
my nascent longing for
beautiful things.
It shed light upon this world,
and it cast a shadow to divide,
and brought forth a dichotomy
I could never forget:
there was, back then,
a right and wrong.
The truth shamed me,
for I was always wrong,
depraved and lacking beauty,
a sinner.
My longing was
true back then,
sincere and burning.
Now I condemn nothing,
unknowing,
unthinking,
nothing.
When I was 20,
I was a skeptic, but
I was a lover.
The truths I knew were dispelled
by her, damn her, she killed me
daily. No, I made her do so. I insisted
upon her beauty to be forever mine,
so I indulged
in her youth.
Her lips were mine,
her hair was mine,
her fragrance, her flesh, her bones,
mine. I knew it wasn't true, but love made true
what was never true.
I was never so certain,
than the hours I've laid beside her in silence.
The voices had left,
and I could only hear
her besides me.
She is no longer here,
the voices have returned,
to comfort me,
to haunt me a little more.
Damn her, for her existence
was the end of mine. If only I could
disappear once more,
and be nothing,
once more.
Thinking back, I am ashamed,
that I could not lift my pen
to write one line to express
my quiet obsession over her.
All I remember was this:
She was beautiful,
I was not.
I am 21,
I am disgusted daily
by what I was,
and what I no longer am.
But I always am
who I was,
and will always be
who I am.
This twisted framework
of logic and causality
to validate the self...
pathetic.
The childish tantrums
of vain philosophy,
is all I have left,
perhaps it's all I ever had.
Who am I?
I am 21,
thank god I know how to count.
I know I already commented on this, but still:
wow.
I'm not so certain about how to review your poem, because I believe you write the poems that sound the most sensible and enchanting to me.
There's no specific part that I adore, because the whole poem is my favourite.
I'm not 21, and there are still long years when I'll turn 21. And after going through your words, I wish the years pass by soon.
I'm speechless. I'm awestruck!
Good job mister!
~Mar.S.
Perfect.
hey there , well i liked the piece its beautiful , i loved the idea of ''when i was ,19 ,20, then 21'' it like telling a your story in every period , but for me it was kind of long but generaly so great my favourite part is ...... ......... Her lips were mine,
her hair was mine,
her fragrance, her flesh, her bones,
mine. I knew it wasn't true, but love made true
what was never true.
this is beautiful! This reminds me of my friend his belief or unbelief in himself, i must say, it was carefully and perfectly sculptured out and my friend would disapprove of his brooding lifestyle after this.
i like the setting of every stanza, it had proper structuring, spaced in the correct places but i do have something to complain about, some lines started off or ended wrongly. for example:
"her fragrance, her flesh, her bones,
mine. I knew it wasn't true, but love made true"
the first line ended with ones, it could have ended with mine and the period i love the words used but if structured that way i think it would flow a lot more to the reader.
"by her, damn her, she killed me
daily. No, I made her do so. I insisted
upon her beauty to be forever mine,
so I indulged
in her youth."
great line here, but like i said, it stopped and started wrongly, it doesn't matter if it's too long what matters is that it flows correctly.
it was very poetic and dramatic and i read like i was in a Romeo and Juliet play >.<.
My favorite line;
"Who am I?
I am 21,
thank god I know how to count."
Good Job!
Anonymous
Hi.
First of all,
"Damn her, for her existence
was the end of mine. If only I could
disappear once more,
and be nothing,
once more." took my breath away. Really lovely lines.
I like the poem in general. It is giving a very picturesque description of all the ages, like snapshots, where you can relate to one image or the other, where you feel for one image or the other, where, instead of getting lost in the whole story, you concentrate on one particular image you want to put through to the reader. That part was really nice.
Keep writing the good work.
-Erin
Hi, Jae!
Let's give this a shot, okay. First I'm going to make some suggestions towards changes you could make in order to get this to read better. All of the "corrections" I make here are based solely off of opinion unless I state otherwise.
I just think this sounds so much cleaner with fewer syllables on the second line. I've always believed that contradictory or dramatic statements in poetry deserve a line of their own, and more emphasis than the lines around them. Adding on "or so" to the second line steals so power away from "I think".
I really do love the word "romance" here when describing the speaker's relationship with himself at the age of 18. It gives the reader more information of the speaker's mind-set at that age than any paragraph of words could do.
This stanza confuses me because I'm not sure what's being said. Mainly, the problem comes with the last line. When you encase a phrase in parenthesis, such as you did with "that thoughts could be beautiful", it is saying that you can remove that part of the sentence and it will not change the meaning of the sentence, also that the remaining sentence will still make sense. I just did so with the green highlighted phrase in the sentence I just wrote.
If I remove your phrase, the message left is "I had faith in beauty despite its flaws", and that makes sense. But I also have a feeling that you might have been meaning to connect the flaws with the thoughts, so that you meant that thoughts could be beautiful despite their flaws. I could be wrong, but just in case I'm not I'm going to help you out. If you meant for the thoughts to be the things with flaws, then you need to make this revision to the last line of that stanza: "beautiful despite their flaws."
You have such beautiful vocabulary, Jae! It's hard to believe English isn't your first language.
I don't know what you mean by this. Maybe a clarification is in order? Or maybe I'm the only one that doesn't get it.
Jae, that was beautiful. You have a way of writing that's just breathtaking. Honestly, some of your stanzas made me pause and read them over and over again. The line, "She was beautiful, I was not" literally made me gasp and I had to re-read that whole section three times before I was ready to move on.
The ending was equally adorable and heart breaking. I take it to mean that the speaker has now lost everything, and though the line made me chuckle, him saying "thank god I know how to count" symbolizes such a low fall from those wonder and love filled years he's had before. It's sad because he's lost everything when before he'd had so much.
Anyway, that's all I have for you today. I hope I helped even just a little bit.
-RP
Hey there,
This is a feel good poem and I liked it. The change of your personality because of her and her being your cure was such a beauty.
I thought this was unnecessary, but it had it's own flow and when I re-read it, it made sense.
I really liked the way you made this. It is a very descriptive story of an young man's personality bundled up in to a cute little poem.
That brought a smile to my face. And that was indeed a good light heart humor for a dark poem. Good luck!
Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!!
Hi jcha92,
I am here to review your awesome poem "I am 21" It was a really captivating poem. I like how you focused the whole piece around the character's stupid mistakes as a young adult as they followed the confusing path of maturity. The flow was very nice, and your idea of how you placed certain words really emphasized the poem, and captivated me. I really did enjoy your poem and hop that you continue writing such beautiful literary pieces.
~Catcha01
Hmm.. I Feel it to be simple and original but what exactly the thing is that this cannot be called a poem.
A poem may or may not be a rhymed one.
But if you rhyme then it should be of the proper scheme like
A
B
A
B
OR
A
A
B
B
And if you are not rhyming then atleast the stanza's should be proper
Not like one stanza is of two lines , some are of four lines and i did not get why you had to put space between some stanzas. 0_?
This line did not sound interesting.
I am disgusted daily
It looks like a normal sentence and therefore does not seem to fit in this.
It should have been more like
Disgusted daily i am.. Or something more in a poetic way
Cause while writing a poem one has the freedom to change the way of speaking and grammar.
I really like this poem! It speaks the truth, and it is also very original. I like the flow here, and I also love your word choice. You were able to get enough emotion into this, and also get a point across. I think it's great work, and I encourage you to continue writing.
As always, good luck to you and your writing. Keep up the good work!
"Still I am, unchanged," Here it should either be: Still, I am unchanged -or- Still I am unchanged, ....it depends on the way you are meaning to say it.
"I think it creepy, still," I am not sure if you meant to leave off the apostrophe 's' or not....but if you did then it should be: "I think it's creepy, still,"
I LOVE THIS STANZA:
"Her lips were mine,
her hair was mine,
her fragrance, her flesh, her bones,
mine. I knew it wasn't true, but love made true
what was never true."
Oops, a silly mistake: "than the hours I've laid besides her in silence." ----> "than the hours I've laid beside her in silence."
"Damn her, for her existence
was the end of mine. If only I could
disappear once more,
and be nothing,
once more." I like this stanza a lot too!
More beautiful lines:
"Thinking back, I am ashamed,
that I could not lift my pen
to write one line to express
my quiet obsession over her.
All I remember was this:
She was beautiful,
I was not. "
That was so beautiful. Man, I really love this poem. Is there a favorite button anywhere?
"Who am I?
I am 21,
thank god I know how to count." Comedic relief...lovely, lovely, lovely.
This is the best poem I have read on the website ever. You don't have to take that to heart, obviously, but it is coming from my heart because this is fantastic.
I am planning on reading more of your work.
Toodles.