Dunes of stormy grey
Stretch out before me;
Behind me.
I turn, and gravel vultures
Watch with cold, slate eyes;
Above me.
The sky is smudged, a
Blackboard, with chalk-white clouds,
Surrounding me.
Sulfurous winds rasp across
My arms, like rattlers
Beneath me.
The prints dissolve into
Dust, a graveyard of memories
Inside me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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128,598 Literary Works • 671,490 Reviews
Yes! Another awesome poem that just flows. It's amazing to see how poems just brighten up a persons mind when reading them, how they just go with the flow pretty much in away. This totally makes my mind wonder all over the place. It makes me want to read it over and over it's so good. Sorry if i'm all over the place in this i'm a little ADHD and it's really bad right now. Well on the bright side keep up the great work.
Hey there!
I really enjoyed reading this piece, and I'll be honest, I had to read it a couple times to understand what you were getting across (which is a good thing, it made me think, which is something I find a lot of poetry lacks nowadays).
I just have a couple notes about punctuation issues and placement, if you don't mind!
"Stretch out before me,
Behind me."
I think the comma after "me," doesn't quite then fit with the next line, so I would recommend changing it to a period or a semi-colon. I completely understand you want "Behind me." to be standalone and then lead into the next line, I just think what comes before can be altered.
The same goes with when you then later say "Above me."
I really appreciated your use of metaphors throughout the piece! It emphasized the surroundings and really allows for the reader to put themselves in the place of the person in the poem, allowing them to envision just what's going on exactly.
It's a wonderful piece! Keep writing!
Thank you, will do!