The old woman stared at me. She squinted her eyes and pursed her thin lips. I never thought that I would be interrogated in the grocery store, but then again, I never thought that I would be caught in such a predicament. The old woman’s name was Margaret. Such a perfect name for such a spiteful woman. Hearing a name with such age has you wondering what the story behind the name is. What did this old woman go through in her years of life? However, while standing in line with a heavy basket of so few groceries hanging on my forearm, those questions where the last things on my mind.
“Good morning, Margaret,” I said. I forced a smile on my face in hopes that her glare would disappear. It didn’t.
Margaret nodded. That was my cue to turn around and keep my eyes straight forward. I never remembered my cues on stage. Dramatic pauses can be useful when humor is involved, but when no one laughs and there is only silence, it is a dreadful thing.
It was finally my turn to ring up my food. There was only one cashier and one counter in the market. It was more like a well stocked convenience store. I had picked out some ripe strawberries. I had a feeling that Margaret’s eyes were baring into my back as I placed a can of cool whip onto the belt. It was obvious what my plans for that evening where. I wasn’t ashamed of it. We are adults; we can be together without being in wedlock. It happens all the time. And yet, I always felt as if I were defending myself.
The price came out to be eleven forty-seven. My hand shook as I handed the teenager behind the counter a twenty dollar bill. Her name was Becky. She was in my third period class. Well, at least she was when I first started working at Johnson High School in the fall. After a few months, Becky dropped out of school. Apparently, over the summer Becky and her boyfriend had a little too much fun in the back of his truck. She tried to hide the baby bump while she handed me my change. It was clear that she was very far along in the pregnancy. I’d say about six or seven months along.
I took my bag off the counter, smiling to myself as I thought of what was to happen that night. Rick was going to be happy. He always seemed to be happy. Rick smiled a lot. A dorky lopsided grin on that pale face gave me butterflies. He made me feel like I really was back in high school all over again. And what an experience that had been.
I turned and left the brightly lit store and onto the dark streets of the small town that was my new home. It was the bitter cold Tennessee air that made my eyes water. It wasn’t how my student’s parents thought of me as the town whore. I wouldn’t get all worked up over the stares from all the women in this town. Not me. Not June Parker. That wasn’t who I was. I just didn’t cry over what others thought of me. I was strong.
I stepped off the curb and onto the icy street. My destination: Rick’s apartment over the local butcher shop. From there, probably the living room to enjoy my newly bought groceries by his fire. Then from there…
Now, now, June. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, I told myself. Wait until Rick makes the first move before viciously attacking him with all the passionate kisses that have remained a day dream.
My head was so fogged. My eyes were focused on the ground to escape the wind. I didn’t even hear the squeals. I didn’t see the blaring headlights. My new destination: unknown.
End of chapter
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy....it seems we're stepping into an interesting little world here. We've got our protagonist facing off against someone who appears to be judging them for some sort of action that seems clear enough that we get the gist but is vague enough that we are left wondering how it could possibly incur judgement here. Its a nice start here, it makes you wonder a bit and it does drag you into the story.
Hmm...well that was an interesting little observation there. I think its a lovely disguised way of letting us know what sort of profession our character here has and introducing their situation just a bit more. The little tangent with this teenager works surprisingly well I think, usually I'd say it breaks the flow, but here it actually seems to help and does help out in showcasing the personality of our protagonist here.
Well that was an interesting direction. We have quite a bit of information revealed in this part, and its done pretty well too, but that whole state of mind you construct around this problem kind of ends up tossed out the window by that jarring ending suggesting some sort of accident. I feel like while that's a lovely cliffhanger, it kind of ruins the vibe this part build up to this point. i'd suggest a rethink on that one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This wasn't exactly what I was expecting when I was flicking through Romantic Novels, but actually, it's very refreshing, if a little surprising at first. I really liked the style you've used, though I'm confused as to how old June is at this point. I take it she's a teacher, and quite young, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I'll move on to talking about language.
Like I said, the style is great, but be careful not to slip into telling or rambling when you're trying to get details in. You're treading a fine line, especially in the first paragraph, between quirky thought processes and jerky prose.
Immediately, the reader asks, "What predicament?" I'm sure that's your intention, but then we get this.
It's such a jump that it can confuse the reader, especially when we're in the very first paragraph of a chapter. I wouldn't advise changing it here because it actually brings us in pretty well and gets us used to your style, as well as introducing us to June's character, but be wary of it in future chapter openings. Basically, don't get any more random than this.
The other potential problem with your style is the overload of information we don't necessarily need. Some might say that Becky's entire introduction is unnecessary, but I think she's supposed to be the example of who your MC doesn't want to become. She's lost a lot.
Do we need to know how far along she is? Also, if June knows that she was fooling around in summer, why is she guessing how many months June is along? We can tell from the rest of the paragraph that it must be spring now, so you don't need that last sentence. It might seem like a nitpick here, but as you've got such a whimsical style, just make sure you aren't including details that aren't quite needed.
Lastly, watch your sentence structure. Look at how many short sentences there are in this paragraph.
Short sentences can occasionally add effect and here, they're part of this quirky voice your narrator has, but if you overuse them, they'll start to alienate the reader. I think this paragraph reads a bit better with some commas rather than all those full stops.
You don't have to rearrange it quite like that, but see what you can do with it. If you want to see how it sounds, try reading your piece aloud. You'll notice that you have to stop quite regularly to take breaths at each full stop, and it will start to detract from the story after a while. Again, it's not a huge problem in this excerpt, but I could see it creeping into your prose at a later date.
I'm sure those are just typos, but I thought I'd catch them.
Anyway, I enjoyed this, more than I thought I would. I'll be on the lookout for the next chapter/part of the story to be posted. Keep writing. *likes*
- Jet.
ooh i really want to know what happens next! This is really interesting and really well written too, I didn't notice any mistakes. I don't know if that's because there were none or because I was too interested in the actual story.
I also love the name June so that makes it better haha.