Greensleeves

Oh my god, this is one of the greatest works of literature on this site that I've read.... I loved this so much! It was moving, emotional, and heartwrenching without being a sappy love story slash tear jerker. 'Greensleeves' is amazing and completely real- which I love and wish that there were more stories like this. You should so write more, anything, everything, just write all of it! I loooooove this!

Hello irsihfire.

I will put my comments and suggestions in bold font.

I will put words and phrases/sentences that confuse me, or are obvious mistakes in blue.

I shall put things that I added because you forgot them, such as comas and missing words. It also will sometimes mean that I changed something.

Things in green are just oddities that may have been intentional by you.

I will also put some smilies in there to make my reviews psychologically easy on the reader. In this case, it you.

*I shall kill your work in the dead of night, as silent as the Ninjas of shadow* Totally kidding.

I ambled down the alleyway, searching for a dry place to lay myself to sleep. I hummed to myself as I walked; a cheerful tune I heard on Maybe try changing that into "from". Using "on" makes me scratch my head. I even reread it multiple times to see if it made sense. It sadly did not. the voice of a drunkard man outside of a pub this morning, His voice was I suggest you change that word into, "had" a deep bellowing, scratchy sound but none the less it brought lightness to my heart to hear a new tune, I had given up hope for one quite a while ago.

Wow that is a massive run on sentence. The comma in blue could easily be chnaged into a period.

The alleyway seemed to stretch on, my tired legs that were carrying me laboriously forward suddenly collapsed on a sodden piece of earth, probably the driest I would find for the night. I laid the light, moldy blanket over myself, grateful for the little warmth it gave me on a cold night like tonight. That comma in blue is not necessary, it actually creates an awkward pause. Rain would probably come by morning, and I prayed that I had collapsed under an awning or roof, but the chances were slim. I would probably be awakened by the rain well before dawn.

I must tell you, I liked the little rhyme you had in there. night and tonight.

I laid my head down on the rough cobblestone, and hummed the tune a little more loudly, the words swarming in my head like brightly colored humming birds. I opened my mouth as though to let fly away, but nothing came through. I had no clue what that meant irish. Maybe try: "I opened my mouth as though to let happiness in." Of course, there are many things that could substitute for what I wrote at the end. My mouth closed and collapsed into a frown. I don't quite like the "collapsed" here, maybe substitute it with "morphed" It had been at least two months since I’d sung a tune of any sort, humming was about the extent of it.

Closing my eyes I remembered when I always sang,Change all that to something like: "that I always sang" so much that it seemed I never talked. My voice as well as my sister's had been the gem of my family, my mother would coo and tell us how lucky we were for such a voice to have such voices, my father would grin and make jokes that I knew he didn’t mean about men who sang, and my sister Anna… Anna. How long had it been since I thought about her?

Anna with her high, melodic voice that was sweeter than honey and broke any man’s heart… You can change those ellipses to a period. It will prevent another massive run on sentence. My cherished sister, taken away without justice, without pity, into the hands of God. Along with the rest of my family, leaving me to begging and sleeping in the streets every night. My thoughts wandered back to Anna rushing and rushed me toward toward me I think you meant for those words to be reversed. the day she heard a brand new love song.

“William,” she called to me, her black-berry hair flying out behind her, and her golden colored eyes sparkling, “William, quickly, oh quickly! You must hear this song I heard in town. It is positively beautiful” She ran in, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into our room; a shining black harpsichord near the window.

She pulled me over to it and plunked down onto the bench in front of the delicate looking instrument; placing her hands in the proper places automatically and beginning to play. Her voice melting into a sweet duet with the instrument. The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling. and When she finished she looked at me, a large smile on her face, and her eyes alight with something on the verge of like mischief.

*Dies from exhaustion*
Hey look, I'm still alive!

*Continues review*

“Isn’t it beautiful William?” She asks.

I nod, grinning.

“Show me how it’s done Anna. Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises, calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”

The memory then fades to grey as the months pass and Anna falls ill, the last couple lines of the song having been left unfinished. I told myself that one day, I would finish learning the song and visit where she now lay, and sing it to her every morning like I promised. But, as of yet, I had not found the heart.

That comma is not needed here. It is like a dog that has to be put down. (Dog as in, *WOOF! SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!*

The words of Anna’s song began to spin in my head, faster and faster. Slowly I opened my mouth, and to my surprise my low, almost melancholy voice rings out the soft words:

Alas my love, ye do me wrong

To cast me off discurteously:

Spelled wrong, the proper spelling is: discourteously.

And I have loved you so long,

Delighting in your companie.

Greensleeves was all my joy

Greensleeves was my delight:

Greensleees was my heart of gold,

And who but my Ladie Greensleeves.

I have been readie at your hand,

to grant whatever you would crave

I have both waged life and land,

your love and good will for to have

Thou couldst desire no earthly thing,

But still thou hadst it readily,

Thy musicke still to play and sing,

And yet thou wuldst not love me.

I grinned, remembering how often my voice had comforted me in the past with struggles. smaller ones than this but nonetheless. Suddenly, I stop; this was where Anna’s teachings had ended. She had gone over the part with me several times, but I had never quite gotten it, now it was lost forever in a sea of faded memories.

Then, as if on cue, a quiet, high pitched woman’s voice starts to sing from somewhere off in the distance, slow, beautiful, and painfully familiar.

Greensleeves now farewel adieu….

I sat up slowly, looking for the source of the voice, my heart racing. The voice seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere, all at the same time, it caused causing my head to spin wildly.

This is one of those instances where it is perfectly OK to change tenses. But only for "caused" to "causing"

God I pray to prosper thee…

In all my panic and dizziness the words flowed back to me, and I opened my mouth to sing with her. With Anna.

Come once again and love me.

A fat raindrop hit my face and jerked me awake. I gasped and looked around me, befuddled. Where had she gone?

Suddenly, realization dawned on me, and I saw that she was a dream. Another raindrop hit my face and I groaned. I think this would have a more emotional punch if you said the protagonist, "closed my eyes for the span of one second". "groan" just sounds dull, and I don't think she is the groaning type anyway. It would begin to pour soon, and I might as well get out of the rain while I am still partially dry. I sat up in my blanket and looked around me, humming loudly. I sighed and looked up at the nearly cloudless sky.

I squinted past the few angry storm clouds to the shimmering stars the that lit the night sky and began to sing the song once more as I stood up, tucked my blanket under my arm, and headed for the nearest inn.

Once more I looked to the heavens, knowing that she hears me, sees me, and still knows that I will love her until every one of those stars disappear...

For I am still thy lover true…

As I sang, I heard her voice singing with me, blending in with my voice. I smiled and turned the corner, singing the last line as I headed for the lights at the end of the street signifying an inn.

Come once again and love me...

Closing Words:

What I liked:
You have some stunning moments in there irish. I also like tales of people who are less fortunate than ourselves. It's always sad hearing of the hardships that they go through.

What I did not like:
There are numerous errors here that distract from the reading experience. They make your work seem so bleak. Some parts are so riddled with errors that I had to reread them multiple times to get the meaning. In those, I have offered you suggestions on how to address the issue.

Overall:
I enjoyed your piece. I'm not the overally critical reviewer that only reviews to tell a user how bad their work is. You may have seen them around, and I'm sure you know that what they write is not nice. Most of the time that's all they do, criticize and don't offer any advice other than, "Get rid of this, it is trash." I hope you never get any of those reviews. I myself haven't gotten one, but I've seen them, and even though it isn't about my work, it is still sad seeing it.

Have a wonderful day irsihfire.

- *That angel is my signature*

Wooo! This is good! I hope you win!

but nonetheless it brought lightness to my heart to hear a new tune,

It had been at least two months since I’d sung a tune of any sort,

My cherished sister,

You must hear this song I heard in town!

She ran in, grabbing me by the hand

and pulling me into our room; a shining black harpsichord near the window.

Show me how it’s done Anna!

Suddenly, realization dawns on me and I realize she was a dream.

Loved it, very nice.

All in all, it was a beautiful piece of writing that I absolutely adored, but I did spot tense mix-up and the occasional spelling mistake etc.

Lovely.
-Genevieve
- it dances for you!

Hey there, Irish! Here as requested.

Ok, so first off this was a lovely piece of writing! The overall tone and feeling of the piece was wonderful. You have a few things in there that need to be straightened out, but I really enjoyed reading it.

Now some nit-picks:

I able down the alleyway, searching for a dry place to lay myself to sleep.

The alleyway seems to stretch on, my tried legs carrying me laboriously suddenly collapsed on a sodden piece of earth, probably the driest I would find for the night.

I lay my head down on the rough cobblestone, and hummed the tune a little more loudly, the words swarming in my head

Anna with her high, sweet voice that was sweeter than honey and broke any man’s heart…

“William,” she called to me, her black-berry hair flying out behind her, and her honey colored eyes sparkling, “William, quickly, oh quickly! You must hear this song I heard in town! It is positively beautiful” She ran in grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into our room, a shining black harpsichord near the window.

She pulled me over to it and plunked down onto the bench in front of the delicate looking instrument; placing her hands in the proper places automatically and beginning to play, her voice melting into a sweet duet with the instrument. The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling and she looks to me, a large smile on her face and her eyes alight with something on the verge of mischief.

“Isn’t it beautiful William?” She asks. I nod, grinning.

“Show me how it’s done Anna! Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”

and her honey colored eyes sparkling

The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling and she looks to me,

“Show me how it’s done Anna! Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”

I fat raindrop hits my face and jerks me awake. I gasp and look around me, befuddled. Where had she gone?

I squinted past the few angry storm clouds to the shimmering stars the lit the night sky

Oh my God! Thank you so much! I'm really glad you love it, I'm freaking about it a little, haha.

I'll make sure to fix that before I turn it in! Thanks again!

-Irish

"Applause" (I actually clapped!!!)

If you don't win this thing, the judges are mad!!! I absolutely loved reading this. I'm totally inspired to go and write something really amazing. My two best parts were the song and the fact that "his lover" was his sister. It doesn't all have to be romance.

However, a few grammatical errors; "tried" instead of "tired", don't know about the word being used here "... 'able' down..." its somewhere at the beginning. Also the song you spelt "have" without an "e".

All together your work is absolutely beautiful. Its the right mix of everything it takes to captivate your reader without being too much. Will definitely look out for more of your work. Especially, more than anything, for good reading and not reviewing!

Happy writing.