Yola Irish!
Before I continue, everything Demeter said was spot-on, so listen to all of her nit-picks and notes. That way I don't have to repeat them!
I smiled, I liked the feeling of it.
In addition to elaborating what exactly "it" is that your MC likes, that comma needs to be a semi-colon, or it's a comma splice.
A low, moss covered stone wall ran around the wood, winding its way around to a small wooden gate, half of its hinges;
Is there a word missing here? I don't quite understand that last part. You have some sentences like this throughout the story that seem incomplete-- make sure to re-read and proof-read your work.
He would not be pleased but my own rage over the entire ordeal overrided my fear of being punished for failing.
Overrided isn't a word, dear. Try "overrode" instead. Also, the introduction of this suspicious 'he' is rather abrupt. I understand the ominous feel you might be going for, but it just made me wonder if I missed something. Try introducing this 'he' a bit more fully, instead of just saying he wouldn't be pleased.
He stopped at my feet and began his decent up my blood red skirt slowly; the feeling of his travel was hypnotizing.
Firstly: decent = descent, I think. But then, a descent means to go down, not up as you say. I'm not sure, again, what this sentence is supposed to mean. Is the Master a snake, slithering up from her shoes, up her skirt (weird image, by the way) and to her shoulder? If so, the word is ascent. This needs to be clarified.
All in all, you have nice, clean, fresh prose, but you have to check over your story before submitting it to catch the little inconsistencies. One, lack of semi-colons. I have a tutorial on that in the KB, if you want to brush up on semi-colons and when you use them. Also, forgetting or adding words during sentences.
And, as Demi said, this story's conflict is a little subdued. I'm not saying it has no conflict at all-- because it does: Saraeth being denied the council seat --but that isn't enough to provide enough driving force to make this a really developed story. It feels more like a flash taken from a larger novel, and I'm not sure how well it's going to be able to stand alone.
My favorite thing about this, however, was how subtly you managed the fact that the Master was really a snake. You never went out and said it, but using words like "hiss" and the part about light glinting from his body, you still made it clear. Kudos!
All in all, a solid story that needs a bit more substance to stand alone. Best of luck, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
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