What?! What is going on here? You skipped all the good parts!? haha.
First, I love the specificity with which you talk about when you found poetry. I think the "I didn't want to do poetry because it was so hipster" is not necessary and weakens the joy of the description of you finding something that clicks with you. You might say reading poetry made it seem inaccessible and haughty, but writing it was not at all what you'd thought it would be. That describes the sensation I think you felt (at least the one I did when I first got into poetry), without being like "ew hipsters" and bringing judgmental language into a beautiful examination of a proud moment.
I'd like to hear more about the summer night. I'd like to see that moment. I'd like to hear your first words. I'd rather hear about that than which act you were in the talent show. Similarly, I'd like to see your moment on the stage rather than have it skimmed over. Your title and that half-line have great potential to really describe the emotion that took place in you, but describing it after the fact, like "I jumped a train, but you don't get to see that part" really separates your reader from getting what you're putting down in this essay, you know? Cut the unnecessary plot explanation. We don't need to know what the slam poetry was about, just that it made your hair stand up. We don't need to know the order of the talent show or how high your shoes were, but more importantly how you felt in the moment, even if it's a blur to you now. Specificity is good, but not about unrelated things, yeah?
I'm saying this all assuming you have a word limit you were working under. If not, just expand and keep those details. They are things you remember and thus are also important, just less so than the main point of the essay. haha
PM me if you have any questions, love!
Good luck and keep writing~
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