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E - Everyone

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by indieeloise

-- taken down

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1318 Reviews

Points: 23911
Reviews: 1318

Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:03 am
Hannah wrote a review...

What?! What is going on here? You skipped all the good parts!? haha.

First, I love the specificity with which you talk about when you found poetry. I think the "I didn't want to do poetry because it was so hipster" is not necessary and weakens the joy of the description of you finding something that clicks with you. You might say reading poetry made it seem inaccessible and haughty, but writing it was not at all what you'd thought it would be. That describes the sensation I think you felt (at least the one I did when I first got into poetry), without being like "ew hipsters" and bringing judgmental language into a beautiful examination of a proud moment.

I'd like to hear more about the summer night. I'd like to see that moment. I'd like to hear your first words. I'd rather hear about that than which act you were in the talent show. Similarly, I'd like to see your moment on the stage rather than have it skimmed over. Your title and that half-line have great potential to really describe the emotion that took place in you, but describing it after the fact, like "I jumped a train, but you don't get to see that part" really separates your reader from getting what you're putting down in this essay, you know? Cut the unnecessary plot explanation. We don't need to know what the slam poetry was about, just that it made your hair stand up. We don't need to know the order of the talent show or how high your shoes were, but more importantly how you felt in the moment, even if it's a blur to you now. Specificity is good, but not about unrelated things, yeah?

I'm saying this all assuming you have a word limit you were working under. If not, just expand and keep those details. They are things you remember and thus are also important, just less so than the main point of the essay. haha

PM me if you have any questions, love!
Good luck and keep writing~

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9 Reviews

Points: 669
Reviews: 9

Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:37 am
Swarnima says...

Well, as jordin said, there isn't much to review..... because it is truly great. Every word told of the feelings you must have wanted to put through to the reader. The grammar is of course flawless. You very easily created an image just through your words.
great job... keep writing...:)

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241 Reviews

Points: 286
Reviews: 241

Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:35 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...

I know what you mean by not able to get past the prolog I can know but I can't show my work without fearing what other people will think of it I fear that they will dislike it and then I would be so discouraged that I would never git any better.

The reason I think that no one has reviewed on it or commented on it id because there is nothing to review about because it is so good that is what I think this grammar is awesome and so is the spelling.

I really wish that something would inspire me to write anything maybe I am to shy.

I also like the reason you wrote this thanks you inspired me a bit to.

Keep Writing and have some very good luck. :D...

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155 Reviews

Points: 3305
Reviews: 155

Mon Mar 11, 2013 12:58 pm
Arcticus says...

It must've been a great experience. It belongs in a diary, and diaries are not reviewed, they're read and related to. So I'll just say : I liked this. There will be more trains to jump off. Do not be afraid to speak up.


jordin says...

He is most right.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
— John Oliver