My father knocks on the large door. The hinges are rusted and so is the door knocker. The sign above the door has letters falling off so it reads: Mildr-- J. Wat--ns School fo- the F-n- --ts. I sigh, shifting my feet nervously.
The door opens.
“Welcome to Mildred J. Watkins School for the Fine Arts,” A voice booms in my head. “Come in, come in!”
My father ushers me through the door, following the plump lady wearing too much lipstick.
The lady is wearing an unflattering dress that makes her large stomach more noticeable. She has bleached blonde hair that had been ultra permed, so the corkscrew curls stick out from her head. Her face has been injected with botox, and it makes her look like an extremely old Barbie. She is wearing bright blue eyeshadow and hot pink lipstick, like the color I was in love with when I was five.
“My name is Mary Ann Watkins, I am the director, and Mildred J. Watkins’ great niece. I take it you are Robert and Jessica Myer?” She says in a high-pitched, perky voice.
“Yeah.” I say, quietly.
“Jess is enrolling here.” My father says, pointing out the obvious.
“Wonderful!” Ms. Watkins says, “Jessica will be a wonderful addition to our student body. I’m going to go get the paperwork for you to sign.”
She totters off to her office.
“Papa, Cette dame est folle.”
(Dad this lady is crazy)
“Jess, il n'y a rien que je peux faire. Après que votre mère est morte... Je n'ai aucun autre choix. Vous êtes doués et c'est la meilleure option.”
(Jess, there's nothing I can do. After your mother died ... I have no other choice. You are talented and this is the best option.”
“Vous avez une autre option! Vous pouvez me prendre à l'Espagne avec vous! S'il vous plaît ne me laisse pas ici avec cette dame folle! Maman aurait laissez-moi venir.”
(You have another option! You can take me to Spain with you! Please do not leave me here with this crazy lady! Mom would let me come.)
My father goes silent. He turns toward Ms. Watkins as she walks back towards us, holding a packet.
“I have called a student called down to give you a tour.”
"C'est fantastique. Certains fou coincé école de préparation des étudiants va me donner une visite dans une école, je suis obligé de venir à." I look at my father.
(This is fantastic. Some crazy stuck up student prep school will give me a visit to a school, I am forced to come to.)
“Tough it out sweetie. I have to fill out this paperwork.”
“Oh! You speak French! I can get you a placement exam and you can join one of the French classes we offer.”
Someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and see a boy. He is wearing a hoodie over his longish, brown hair. A pair of black headphones circle his neck. He is gorgeous, with his big blue eyes and ear length brown hair, but he seems shy. Then again, I am too. Under his dark blue hoodie is a grey shirt that says “I find television very educating. When it’s on, I go into the other room and read a book.” This makes me giggle quietly.
“Um, hi. I’m Will.” he says, awkwardly. He looks embarrassed because a reddish tinge appears on his cheeks.
“Hi.” I say.
He looks at me expectantly.
What am I supposed to say? I ask myself. “Oh, I’m Jessie.”
He turns and points towards the door he had just came through. “I’m supposed to give you a tour.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there ikiru! I saw you posted this on the poll about novels so I thought I'd take a look!
There's a few things I noticed that I think you should change:
1. You don't need to say "Mildred J Watkins' School for the Fine Arts" so much. In fact it's going to get annoying very quickly. Don't allude to it so much. Does Jess find the name ridiculous? Then maybe she says it herself as a sort of mockery. Or does she find it funny that the woman always says the full name? What do the students call it? Like, I have a school in my own novel called Avery's Academy for Future Female Rulers. And sometimes it's called that. But mainly adults call it Avery's Academy and the pupils call it Avery's. What do you call your own school? Mildred J Watkins School for the Fine Arts is a cool name, but we're only going to appreciate it the first couple of times you say it. Then it begins to get annoying.
2. The French. Firstly, I love the fact that both you and your character are bilingual! It's really nice. However, if every time you speak French you also put the English translation in, it's going to get very boring, very fast. I figure you have two options. The first is what happens in a lot of classics, back when they assumed that everyone could speak French. And that's to just leave the French with no translation. The second is to put the first couple of lines or words in French, and then say something like, "We continued in French" or something and just continue in English. I think this is a much better option.
3. Will. It annoyed me that the first person she meets in the school is a really good looking guy who seems indie and interested in her. That's going to make her want to stay. And it's a cliché. I think it'd be better to have someone a little less fabulous to show her around. Especially if Will is the love interest. I just really don't think it's that effective to have him right there right then. It's another overdone trick and I'm sure you can do better.
But other than that, a really intriguing beginning!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Howdy doo mi amigo! Dogs here back again for your review of the edited version
, lets dive in shall we?!
. Also because of your wonderful writing you are now REQUIRED to tell me when you post a new chapter and new editings. I'm more then happy to read over your writing. Keep up the good work!
Wonderful correction to the beginning. I laughed a little bit with the faded letters. That really draws the reader in and gives the entire piece a more whimsical and comical feel.
"corkscrew curls stuck out from her head"
Nice nice nice! Great imagery, this is already shaping up to be an excellent improvement.
I loovvee the botox part I almost never laughing at anything I read but I am certainly chuckling over this. You never told me you had such a wonderful sense of humor! Although, first problem we hit here. You change tenses, you say that "she was wearing.." and then you switch to "she is wearing bright blue..." ya get the point. Pick one tense and stick with it unless you start using flashbacks.
I think you're Ms. Watkins is marvelous character. I love melodramatic characters. Although I think you can push her farther, maybe have her call everyone the brutally annoying pet names like "doll, pumpkin, snowflake, honey cakes, sweetie, darling, honey pie, cupcake" all that crap. It would make her much stronger and annoying of a character.
Dawwww cute interaction between Will and Jessie. Although I'm not sure how to solve this problem of the sudden rushed change of Jessie. I mean yes it logically makes sense that she follows Will on the tour cause he's gorgeous... but it still seems a little rushed and I'm terribly sorry I'm not sure how to solve that.
Well thats all I really have to say! You really cut my notes list down, very impressive. You know you are one of the very few people that has actually taken my advice, edited, and reposed your writing. I really like that about you Iki
TuckEr EllsworTh
Haha Thank you so much! You are one of the first people who has actually told me they truely enjoy my writing!
--Iki
Hey there, Ikiru!
shifting my weight
“Welcome to Mildred J. Watkins School for the Fine Arts.”
with too much lipstick.
The lady is wearing an
I am the director, as well as
am I correct?
in a too high perky
Mary Ann Watkins says
She totters off to her office.
(Dad this lady is crazy)
I have no other choice.
she walks out of the office
“I have had a student called down to give you a tour.”
crazy stuck student prep school
his longish brown hair
with big blue eyes
This makes me laugh slightly
and forehead
I'll warn you in advance, I tend to get a bit excessive with the small details I point out. Hopefully you won't hate me if I point out anything you could've found yourself with a bit of editing.
Spoiler
One can not simply shift their weight, at least not in the way you meant it. Say you shifted on your feet instead.
Spoiler
This should start in a new paragraph and have a comma at the end, since you're adding on to it right after.
Spoiler
Change this to 'wearing too much lipstick'. It sounds more sophistamicated.
Spoiler
Change 'is' to 'was'. The way you wrote it sounds more like someone is telling someone else about her dress.
And same with 'has' in the next sentence.
And the 'stuff that gets rid of wrinkles' is called Botulinum toxin, or Botox for short.
Spoiler
Get rid of the comma and change 'as well as' into 'and'.
Spoiler
This is unnecessary since you already implied a question earlier in the sentence.
Spoiler
This is awkwardly worded, you should make it: in a high-pitched, perky
Spoiler
I don't think there's any need to say her full name anymore.
Spoiler
This should be a separate paragraph.
Spoiler
Normally people don't say translations this way, but if you're going to, the put it next to the Dialogue in italics. Just for aesthetics
Spoiler
That should be 'had'. It happened in the past.
Spoiler
This sounds like she's leaving. Write 'she walked back towards us' instead.
Spoiler
This is worded awkwardly, too. Try: I called down a student to give you a tour.
Spoiler
Looks like you got your words a bit mixed up :p Here's what it should be: Crazy stuck up prep school student
Spoiler
Comma after 'longish', please.
Spoiler
Add 'his' after 'with'.
Spoiler
That would be called a giggle. And that is a LOT of words for a T-shirt.
Spoiler
He should see a doctor about that.
The rest is fine.
The story was great.
There were no major problems that I could find.
You're a great writer and I hope to see more from you
Thank you for yout feedback! I could really use it!
Iki
Here to review!
My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing this probably fine work of art for you today!
This is a great piece, even though it is short, and I loved the way you put the translations in there, that is not something I see everyday.
I like how you are already giving character to people that might not be in the story for awhile, and I love that! This is a great story with, no doubt, a great author writing it!
I don't have much to go on, except that you could put a little more details in this. Most of it is dialogue, which is great, but details do help, when they're used appropriately.
There is a lot of debate amongst writers how much detailing is too much and how much is too little. So I'll leave that to you on whether or not you put details.
This story is captivating, and I want you to write more!
Hope this helped, if even a little, tiny bit.
Omniyus
Hi Omniyus! I have just updated this writing, if you wanted to read it again. I have added more detail to the story. Thank tou so much for your feedback!
Iki
Hey ikiru ^_^ The title sounded interesting so I figured I'd give it a review!
So far, I like this a lot! The idea of this girl being kinda dumped off at an artsy-fartsy private school after her mother passed is really interesting. I can imagine how it feels to have one parent leave you, and being forced to accept changes and decisions from her father.
Your main character seems like she has a fun personality, and I'm interested to see what kind of guy the boy with the hoodie is.
I agree with dog's review in that you could slow this down and add more description. Right now I'm picturing Mary Watkins as a sort of heavyset Effie Trinket from The Hunger Games xD.
Describe more of the boy with the headphones. You did a good job so far with describing his hair and hoodie, but you can go further than that. Maybe he had a bit of a slouch when he walked? When he spoke, what did his voice sound like? Quiet? High or low pitch? What was your main character's first impression of him?
On the note of your main character, describe her as well. It doesn't have to be a lot, but I can't remember you giving her any physical description at all. Same with her father.
I'm interested to read on in this, so if you write more feel free to send me a message and let me know. I'd like to know more about these characters, and how Jessie adjusts to her new school and the recent death of her mother.
Hope this was helpful!
Haha thanks! I have just updated it... If you want to review it again. I was also picturing Effie- but heavier. I have described her more in detail if you want to read it again!
Iki
Hello Ikiru! Thank you for your review, so I thought I'd repay the favor. Ok firstly, you start on a slightly weak note with just a door opening. Describe the door, is it huge overbearing and ominous? Or is it a creaking crumbling discolored wood? This will give the read a good feel of your writing style right off the bat and what is going to ensue in this piece of writing.
I'd love to read it. Keep up the good work!
Ok now here is a chance to really expand on Mary Ann Watkins, She sounds like a marvelously melodramatic character. I looovvveee those characters. Describe her big lumbering clanking heels and how many pounds of make she wears. Everything about her down to the last inch of clothing she's wearing.
Alright, this piece also moves a little too quickly. Bring it some more details into your writing, describe Will a little bit more. I want to know what he looks like, is he just flat out drop dead to die for gorgeous? Or is it just shy and looks friendly. Or is he intimidating. Or does he just look like he really doesn't care. These are important details you need to incooperate into your writing.
As for where to go next, I'm not sure. It would make sense to me if Will is drop dead gorgeous so that gives Jessie more of a reason to go on a tour willingly... I mean who wouldn't want to go on a tour with a gorgeous boy?! You as the writer need to determine what happens next more so then I do. It depends on what path you're looking to take, for all I know this could be a love story or a story that transforms into the invasion of earth by purple dinosaurs and pink pokadot aliens. So before I attempt to spark ideas for what happens next... what kind of story is this? Sci fi? action? adventure? Romance? Pick a topic
Anywho this is looking up to be an intresting piece. I'm curious to read more on it. Let me know if there is ever anything you want me to review and please give me a PM/message once you post your next chapter
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi thank you so much for the review! I just needed to see if people would like it! I love the feedback!
Iki