Chapter 2
“These are the dorms, the boy’s hall and the girl’s hall...”
I watch his face carefully as Will explains to me where everything is. He really is an amazing looking guy, his blue eyes offset his dark brown hair.
“It says here that your dorm is number 109, so that’s right here,” He gestures to a door. “Your dorm mate is Alicia Wolfe. I would be careful of her. She’s kind of... interesting,” he says blushing, “You can figure it out.”
“I think that’s it. Let me take you back to the entryway.” He says softly.
I turn and start to walk down the hallway. I run into a table that I am positive wasn’t there before. I fall over into Will. He grabs my arm and waist and helps me back up. I notice that his hand lingers a little long on my waist after I regain my balance.
“Sorry, I was just...” He mumbles.
“No, it’s totally fine. I mean, um, I’m clumsy.”
“Yeah.”
He walks me back to the entryway where my father is talking to Ms. Watkins, the director of the school.
“Ce garçon est incroyable,” This boy, is amazing. I mutter under my breath.
“What?” Will asks me.
“Nothing.”
“Okay... I should go.” He says, the blush starting to creep into his face again. He stares at me, and I stare back, mesmerized by his bright eyes.
“Jess!” My father breaks me from Will’s eyes.
“Coming!” I turn towards my dad and Will leaves the room.
“Qui est ce garçon?” he asks me, eyebrows raised, “N'importe qui je devrais m'inquiéter?” Who is this boy? Anyone I should be worried about?
“Non, papa! Je ne le connais même pas!” No, dad! I don’t even know him!
“Okay. I’ll see you for Christmas.”
“Yeah. See you.”
My dad wraps his arms around me. “Je t'aime.” I love you.
“Love you too!”
My dad looks at me before he exits the building.
I turn and grab my suitcase.
“I will come check on you after you get settled.” Ms. Watkins says.
“Okay...” I say to her over my shoulder as I walk out of the room, “Non pas que j'ai besoin que vous. Cet endroit est nul.” Not that I need you to. This place sucks.
I walk into my room. I set my suitcase on the bed that is made. The other one is rumpled. It has pink sheets, and there are pictures of boys plastering the walls on that side of the room. The desk on what's her name... Alicia's side in covered in makeup bags. The desk on my side of the room is a light brown desk. There is nothing special about it.
I walk into the bathroom and look at my reflection in the mirror. I am a fairly plain girl, aside from my cherry red hair. I have chocolate colored eyes and thick lashes. I pull my thick side bangs away from my face. The scars on my neck remind me of that dreadful day twelve years ago.
“Who’s stuff is this?” A snotty voice calls from the bedroom.
I pull my hair back around to cover the scars and leave the bathroom. I see a girl staring at my stuff.
“That’s mine.” I say quietly
“Who are you?” She shouts. Flipping her light brown hair over her shoulder.
“My name’s Jessie and I’m your new roommate.”
“I don’t care! I’m going to see Ms. Watkins about this!” She storms out of the room.
“Or, c'est ce dont je parlais quand j'ai dit coincé lycéens de préparation.” Now this is what I was talking about when I said stuck up prep schoolers. I say to myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there, here for Chapter Two!
I'm just worried it's going down a too familiar track!
So a couple of logistical things annoyed me. I went to boarding school and I can assure you I never saw a single person manage the transition with just one suitcase. I found it really hard to believe that Jess did. Then when we met Alicia, I wasn't buying this whole pink-makeup-boys-therefore-hate game. That's a personal thing, but if you're trying to make us dislike her with this description I'm not really buying it. Also, the fact that Jess calls her a stuck up brat- it's not like Jess is short of money if she is coming to this school. Don't you think she is a little stuck up herself?
I'm just a little worried that you are caricaturing here. The love interest is cute and indie and the first person she meets. The first girl she meets is a stuck up girly brat. And your MC is totally plain and not at all spoilt, intelligent and non-conformist. It's a bit of a tried and tested formula, and I'm hoping you change it up soon. Otherwise it's a story we've all read a hundred times before.
Other than that, it was well written and a joy to read
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Well since I reviewed he first chapter, I think it's only fair I review the second, aye?
“Je t'aime.” I love you.
I watch his face
right here. He gestures to a door.
He cringes as he says the name...
that’s it...” Let me take
...
Mary Ann Watkins, the director of the school.
(This boy... Is amazing...)
the blush starting
I turn and grab my suitcase.
dreadful day twelve years ago.
Spoiler
Honestly the first thing I noticed, and not only because I recommended you do it in my last review. This just made me happy for some reason.
Okay, on to the real stuff.
Spoiler
This should be a new paragraph, separated from the dialogue.
Spoiler
You forgot your quotation mark, and since you were continuing with your speech, that period should be a comma.
Spoiler
he says blushing,
These are unnecessary as they should be implied through the speech.
Spoiler
Now you have a random quotation mark
Spoiler
You use this about 20 times throughout the passage. Yes, it gets annoying.
Spoiler
You already introduced this character in, there's no need to do it again (unless it's a new novel.) The same way you didn't reintroduce Will, or her father.
Spoiler
Aw, just when I had my hopes up that you changed it.
Spoiler
This should start a new paragraph, with a comma at the end instead of a period.
Spoiler
This should be added to the line before it.
Spoiler
This seems out of place. It's okay to mention the scars, but I feel like this should come in at another time.
Other than that, everything was fine. The story is just as good as it was, and it's developing nicely. Though it is going down sort of a cliche road, I'm sure you'll be able to put a twist on it somewhere.
Keep on writing
AT LAST! CHAPTER TWO IS HERE :3 I've been waiting....
. Now lets see what we got here...
"He really is an amazing looking guy. His blue eyes offset his dark brown hair"
There should be a comma after "guy" in this line.
Ok I want to see a little more interaction between Will and Jessie, something that they do that is incredibly awkward in a romantic situation but kinda cute. I can't exactly think of anything off the top of my head right now but I know your a wonderfully bright kid and can come up with something! Even if you don't think they need that awkward tension, thats fine but you need to add a little more interaction between the two.
Ok, so I like the interaction between the over protective dad and the daughter. Thats good, but I think Jessie needs a thought to herself about "well with boys this sexy maybe this place can't be so bad..." obviously not those exact words but something in that general vibe. It will help with Jessie's decision making and as to why she is now so suddenly not so argumentative about leaving for school.
"It has pink sheets. There are pictures of boys...
you need a comma after "sheets" here.
Ok interesting path to take for the last paragraph of a chapter. i think you pull out your big guns too early. Let the reader wonder more about the scars on your neck, let them see them but you shouldn't explain how you got them until a later, maybe with a talk with someone inquiring about the scars. So defnitly don't bring out that so early in your writing. You got plenty of time before you hit us up with the big boys!
Ok so all and all this is a good piece of writing and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Just in need of a few minor touch ups and then you'll be on the right path. As always send me a PM once the next chapter is out. THIS IS A COMMAND NOT A REQUEST!!!! :3 thank you very much Iki. Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Once again: Thank you soooo much! I love it when the same people review my stories because I know it is not because they have to, but ecause they want to!
--Iki
Est-ce mieux?
Is this better?