Rebecca looked up from her notebook, noticing the steam whistling from her small metallic tea pot. She uncrossed her meaty, pale legs and shuffled herself over to the stove, shutting the gas. She carefully gripped the black handle of the tea pot, tipping the boiling water into a green mug with bold words written across the cup saying “Haha, my mug has words on it!” She would tap her fingertips against the countertop, unsure of what unpacked box in her new apartment contained a knife to mix the tea. She shrugged, plucking the led pencil from her bun, her raven hair unwinding and falling down onto her shoulder, and used the back of the pencil to mix the sugar and herbal leaves into the hot water. She took a sip of the hot substance, before tossing the pencil towards the trash can.
She walked back to the couch, sitting back down and folding her legs beneath her, scratching her head, as she set the mug down onto the coffee table. She looked over at the living room, the brown cardboard boxes towering over her, haunting her. She knew she would have to begin unpacking, but she still had to come up with a column for tomorrow morning. Exasperated, Rebecca took another sip of her tea. Bear jumped up onto the couch beside her. Rebecca smiled slightly, running her bitten-down nails through Bear’s brown fur, giving in for the night. “I’ll finish the column in the morning. Sound good, Bear?” Bear’s soft brown eyes looked up at her. “Yeah, I know..” Rebecca said, her eyes looking down at her notebook, the only thing written down for tomorrow’s column was Bohemian Is Back. Rebecca groaned, shutting her book and trudging off to bed, Bear trotting along behind her, his tiny black tail wagging.
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey there, iEuphoria!
Welcome to YWS!
Now, this to me doesn't come across as a short story. Firstly because it's too short, and secondly, because not much happens. There's no progression. She makes a cup of tea, sits back down, strokes her cat? and then gives up and goes to bed. Now, that's not a bad plot, if it's going to lead somewhere. I think this could be a good start to a longer story, or a novel. Reason being, it raises a lot of questions in the readers mind. Like, how old is she? Why has she just moved? Is it a new job? What is her job? This is great. It means you've got me interested in Rebecca's life. Only thing is, the story ended before anything significant happened, if you see what I mean?
It was almost like a piece of flash fiction rather than a story. That's okay if that was what you were going for, but if the reader's expecting a story, something so short can be a little disappointing.
That aside, you have potential as a writer. The descriptions were nice, if a little much in some places. What you have is good, but if you try and show the reader too much at once, like when you describe the mug, it can distract the reader and make them forget what they're reading about. I used to be the same way when I first started writing. It's just a case of deciding whether the description is really necessary or not. Most of the time, it isn't, unless the thing you're describing is vital to the story and its plot.
Rebecca growned, shutting - 'growned' should be 'groaned'
Overall, this isn't bad, but it's not long enough to leave a lasting impression. If you were to continue it, however, and go on to tell us more about Rebecca and her life, then I'm sure this piece could turn into a nice little story, as long as you develop more of a plot.
I hope this helps and I haven't come across as mean. That wasn't my intention at all! I just want to see you grow as a writer and I know this site can help. It's been an amazing help to me, and I hope it can be that way for you too.
Any questions, post on my wall. I'll be happy to help you
xDudettex
It was just the beginning to a story, a friend of mine wanted me to post it here, because I wanted his opinion on it so far. I'm fully aware that it is not a short story, as is xD
Thank you for your critique of what is there. :3