Young Writers Society

Hey Hyperview,

I'm not totally sure where you're going with this. It feels like some creative non-fiction, and it works within the genre itself. However, I also feel a little disconnected to what you're saying here, to your narrator. I'm going to speak as though the narrator is an unknowable character - which is to say I don't care if it's you or not, I'm going to speak as though it isn't.

Your narrator is a little smug, a little tired, and a bit pretentious. There's something really petulant about "the damn peonies" and other little commentaries. They don't feel natural or real, and instead feel like carefully placed annoyance, which I think goes against the fairly studied sense of calm you're trying to project. Your narrator wants to be too old for this trip, too old and cool and knowledgeable, and that's pretty obvious through the language. I can almost feel the body language as arms crossed or aggressively swinging. There's a sense to this work that comes through the tone and expression of the narration itself. If your intent was for this kind of pretentious petulance, you've absolutely succeeded! It is wrapped up in "I'm too cool for these people" so tightly that you can barely see the sincerity.

You do have an excellent handle on tone and the piece itself isn't uninteresting, despite being about nothing physical or actioned. That's a good skill to have, to be interesting when there's nothing interesting in the piece. Nice work. Thanks for posting this.

- Penguin.

So, um. I did a thing. Which is comment on your other work. And yes, I think I'm finding out that you have a thing for works that don't feel complete without the title--a little like poetry. And mostly, this feels like poetry (not sound, just feel); it feels like it has multiple layers hidden underneath, ready and waiting to be excavated.

But anyway, back to the critique. Unlike the Cruelty of Women, I fortunately have something to talk about, but it's more nitpicks than anything, and similarly I can't find any flaw in the story or structure. You evidently have a lot of talent in your hands, and I hope I grow up to be as good as you--though it seems that won't happen anytime soon.

Now, nitpicks!

"He’s named Jamal." Whose named Jamal? The brother, or the nephew? While it is clarified later on, I did find myself reading back for a moment while reading the line.

"And me, well, I notice the little things about him, like the way he pulls at his long lashes when he’s bored or the sudden backwash he makes into the water bottle when he thinks his father isn’t looking, doing this over, and over, and over again." Personally, though I do like the repetition, but I don’t think there’s any use repeating over. But that’s just my opinion, leave it that way if you like.

So yeah, great work again. I look forward to seeing more from you.

Hey umm.. its nice but I actually couldn't the relation between the content and the title. Anyway, your work is great

always good to find another antinatalist

My answer to your question is not PG-13 appropriate sry