Hey Hyperview,
I'm not totally sure where you're going with this. It feels like some creative non-fiction, and it works within the genre itself. However, I also feel a little disconnected to what you're saying here, to your narrator. I'm going to speak as though the narrator is an unknowable character - which is to say I don't care if it's you or not, I'm going to speak as though it isn't.
Your narrator is a little smug, a little tired, and a bit pretentious. There's something really petulant about "the damn peonies" and other little commentaries. They don't feel natural or real, and instead feel like carefully placed annoyance, which I think goes against the fairly studied sense of calm you're trying to project. Your narrator wants to be too old for this trip, too old and cool and knowledgeable, and that's pretty obvious through the language. I can almost feel the body language as arms crossed or aggressively swinging. There's a sense to this work that comes through the tone and expression of the narration itself. If your intent was for this kind of pretentious petulance, you've absolutely succeeded! It is wrapped up in "I'm too cool for these people" so tightly that you can barely see the sincerity.
You do have an excellent handle on tone and the piece itself isn't uninteresting, despite being about nothing physical or actioned. That's a good skill to have, to be interesting when there's nothing interesting in the piece. Nice work. Thanks for posting this.
- Penguin.
Points: 240
Reviews: 896
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