The first time I met Jaime Cortez was in
second grade.
We never spoke much. He was a
troubled kid and I was a kid gunning to stay out of trouble, so ultimately we steered
clear from each other. I don’t think Jaime ever noticed me during that time,
but I knew him. I watched him sometimes; the way he spoke, joked, and played,
and I guess a side of me wanted to be part of it too. But mother always warned
me to stay out of trouble, so I obeyed.
However, there’s a day in
second grade I remember; a day when the teacher went around asking what we
wanted to be when we grew up. Most kids said cool things like an astronaut or
Prime Minister. I said a doctor since mother told me I’d amount to nothing
less. But when the question reached Jaime, he said dead.
He didn’t mean it as a joke,
or at least I don’t think he did. As soon as he said it, laughter burst out of
me for the first time that whole year, and kept going, and going, and going ‘til
they pulled us out of class. And that day, Jaime finally noticed me.
We both got into shit for it.
Mother never forgave me, which was tough, but I couldn’t stay away from him
despite all the harsh glares I received from her. Soon enough, I forgot about
mother’s warnings and scrutinizing looks, and I replaced her with Jaime. I hung
out with him every day, followed his plans no matter how ridiculous they were,
and hung onto every word he said. We were growing up together—finding ourselves
through childhood and adolescence. So even though his mother often called me
his shadow, I wasn’t offended.
Jaime’s life was much grander
than my own. His mother had him at the tender age of seventeen, which was probably
why Jaime was the way he was. She raised him by herself up until he was about
fourteen years old, right around the time she met his rich stepfather. A
Cinderella story, I guess, though Jaime and his stepdad never took a liking to
each other. He wasn’t a bad guy, in my opinion, but Jaime wasn’t interested in
him and his stepfather was only interested in his mother, so ultimately, Jaime drifted
and raised himself. I stuck by him when his mom and stepdad were absent half
the time, and he stuck by me when I stopped hearing from mother and her glares
came to an infinite rest.
And maybe that devoted
loyalty was what made me accept his offer to Montreal when we graduated high
school. “We can leave them all behind,” he told me. “It’ll just be the two of
us, nobody else.”
Part of me knew he was only
bringing me along because he didn’t want to be alone. He was terrified of the
thought of not having anyone to see him the way I saw him, and I was scared of
not being seen at all. So I accepted my offer to the University of Montreal,
packed my bags, and headed off.
Jaime survived about three
weeks in university before dropping out. I stayed a little longer, and as
months passed my room filled with medical books and term papers while Jaime’s
room turned into a stoner’s dream. I got a job even though Jaime’s parents were
gracious enough to get us an apartment. They didn’t know their son dropped out,
leaving his life of higher study for questionable substances and obscure
nights.
As for me, well, I knew I
didn’t belong in medical science, and Jaime knew that too. I remember one night
in particular, while watching The Fresh
Prince and sitting in the thick air of Jaime’s blunt, he turned and said,
“Who are you on the inside? Really?”
And the thing is, I was
nobody. Still am. I never thought of it before and the realization made me
hellishly sad, but it was the truth. I was nothing and nobody, so I told him
that.
Jaime got sad. “Everybody’s
something,” he said. “You’ve just got to find out what.”
I guess it’s a bit stupid now
that I think about it, but it was important to me back then. It was important
to us. So I started smoking a bit
even though it wasn’t really my thing. I took to drinking, to swearing, to
spending forgetful nights in our apartment or aimlessly prowling the streets at
dawn. He caused a shift in me, I will admit; something that would’ve made mother
have an aneurysm.
Jaime helped me through the
transition. I skipped classes to do experiments with him and sold all my
medical books and papers just so we could have enough money for the things I
knew we shouldn’t have taken. We’d take lines of speed and talk, talk, talk
‘til the sun rose up and the workingmen trudged out of their homes to their nine
to five jobs. We spoke about the past, the present, the future. We delved into
ideas about the cosmos, the universe, his mother, my mother, and everything in
between. Everything during that time held a celestial glow, some special light
that only he and I could see. But through all the hazy nights and drugged
revelations, we couldn’t find me.
We tried ecstasy next and
mixed it with lines of speed. Jaime went wild. He hopped around the house
sweating, talking about many things that made him trip over his words and bite
his tongue until it bled. Despite me taking an equal amount, I struggled to
keep up with him.
And I told him this. I said,
“Jaime, I can’t keep up with you,” so he gave me more just so he wouldn’t fly
off the end of the world by himself. But he was running so much faster than I
ever could, and there was nothing we could do about it. He stripped every
article of clothing. He shaved his eyebrows. He ran out the apartment stark
naked and hysterical, screaming about God knows what.
“Jaime? Where are you going?
It’s the middle of winter!” I said again and again, but he didn’t care. He told
me something about finding Heaven and kept running ‘til I had to chase after
him.
And that night, I’m sure
Jaime found who he was.
Cops got us somewhere
downtown in an alleyway, several blocks away from home. We’d been passed out
for hours. Jaime was naked, and even though I wrapped my clothed body around
him, nothing stopped him from turning an abnormal shade of blue. We weren’t
entirely sure how we got there—not even until this day have I figured it
out—but there we were.
We were arrested for drug possession
and public indecency. Jaime was eerily calm and in his element while I was
completely out of it. I kept saying, “Jaime, what will we do? I lost my
scholarship, my job. What will we do?”
But Jaime was cool, collected. He requested for a phone call and when he
got one, called his mother immediately. In a few harsh whispers and tense
breathing, he hung up. Sat down. “We’ll be fine,” was all he said, and the
tension just washed away.
They didn’t let us leave the station until Jaime’s mother came, and
since she lived a few hours away we wasted half the day. Jaime and I barely
spoke the whole way through. He had his thinking face on, one where there were
creases where his eyebrows should’ve been and cracked lips downcast. I knew he
was thinking about last night—what it all meant to him. I should’ve been happy
for him, I guess, but I wasn’t. Jaime found himself and I didn’t. That was the
only thing going through my mind.
When Jaime’s mother showed, she was livid. They both looked the same—two
short fused characters just ready to blow. She wore designer everything except
for the dented silver cross hanging on her neck. When she saw her son behind
bars, she touched her forehead, chest, both her shoulders, then did what she
needed to do.
“It’s a miracle you’re still alive,” she said when we finally left the
station, but I could tell that deep down, she was annoyed by this too. “Good
Lord, what happened to your eyebrows?!”
But Jaime was far gone. He sat in the backseat and looked out the
window, eerily content despite his mother’s screaming. From that point on, I
only knew one thing: the boy from second grade was right.
Jaime Cortez was dead.
When we got home that day, Jaime’s mother forced him to stay with her.
She found out about the dropping out and the drugs and the drinking and didn’t
want her son to have any part of it. Any part of me. So in a few months with
quick planning, Jaime and I split ways without much a goodbye. I tried calling
him at first, and a few chats a week turned into two chats a week, then none at
all. When he stopped picking up my calls, I turned to texting, sending messages
every other day without any reply. Soon enough, I gave up, and Jaime was out of
my life just as quick as he came in.
And me, well, I’m still living even though I don’t want to be. However,
I guess Jaime taught me something: finding yourself is dangerous business. I
mean, nobody ever knows who they are. We only know fragments of
ourselves—pieces we’re sure of, but never the full picture. But sometimes it’s
best not to know.
When you do, you’ll only end up wanting to kill it.
Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735
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