Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter 1
The theme park *age 13 or over minor swears and graphic imagery*
Aaaaah lovely its 11:30 pm and i arrive on friday the 13th of july 2024
This theme park is supposedly more haunted than anything i've ever seen ,lovely,
Here's what it looks like
Lovely right, i know but hey what can we expect, on starts the journals enjoy people
Damn this place looks crap, i mean just look at it, the rollercoaster is practically falling apart and
The whole place is dusty and rotten, lord help me,
1st stop the mansion, as i walk down the corridors i see a figure, hey not a biggie probably just a homeless hobo i think to myself effortlessly pushing through the cobwebs of hell,
Well that's not the only creepy shit i saw today i also saw a half living person, i say half living because of the way it was torn in half, this is crazy i thought to myself as i check the ucl score and found out that man city won 1-o, but anyways that thing comes at me jumping using its 2 arms and its face is torn and dripping blood then i see… what looks like a killer clown sprinting at me, as i run as fast as i can to the door i remember that i have a gun and knife/machete that i can use for defence, i whip out my machete and start slashing it at the air to ward those THINGS off , oh fuck, more,more and more come at me, shit i need to get out of here, i think as i keep running for the door… phew i reached it and im out as i say that ,that house starts creaking and groaning but still…nothing, no falling no nothing, nevermind.
Ok right now i'm out of there i can finally move onto my next stop, the mirrors of hell as they called it when this damn hole was still open, i take a whiff of that dusty cardboard smelling air and regret coming here but no turning back now i guess, my mate john should be here right no- for fuck sake, i see john trying to chat up girls 1 sec guys, “JOHN YOU CUNT GET OVER HERE NOW!!!!!!” anyways he arrived fine so anyways we continued and asked me if i was scared and i told him what just happened and told him shortly, nope not at all my guy, anyways the first thing we see is our reflections move or stand still if we are standing still or moving, trippy that's very weird, anyways we walk another few metres and see a rotten corpse still bleeding turning a greeny brown with dark hollow eyes tied to a chair ,something like this…
Anyways we kept walking and found huge, huge spiders just sitting there still with skeletons riding them on their backs looking at us, guess what we screams haha, “ OWH HEEEEEELL NAHHHHHHH” and we dipped faster than the speed of light for all we knew, yeah we were out… we thought but more mirrors made us trip and scream at the sight of more clowns and what looked like death eaters from harry potter, they chased us while screaming at a high pitch that nearly burst our ears, i shot 3 of the 6 clowns with my glock 19 but one of them got john, i had no time to back for him now and anyways he had already given up and turned into a blood thirsty hell spawned zombie or as we call them now the Z’s, as i approached the exit i swung the door open and locked the door behind me and never looked back at that place, i'm sorry john i really am.
Aah ok change of font i like this on arial they call it…
I saw it, the coaster to hell, my last stop to see this place then i go, quick, i approach the coaster and see it goes through trees and then a big hole in the mountains and hilltops until finally coming back, think of it as thunder mountain from disneyland paris, i hop on and click the start button, its a little bit jolty at first but then it kicks off and i hear a deep cackle like a wizard laughing at my idiocity or foolishness at riding this thing, i just ignore it and continue, i pull out my phone and see that its 3am, aaaaaaah shit, now i already know its gonna get creepy from here on out, as we approach the 1st bend i see a flashing image and a ghost but not an overhead sheet ghost, more like the ghost from the ring and i pissed myself but we where 105 metres in the air so unless i wanted to die i couldn't just jump off and escape this ghost type thing, ya know i kinda regret this idea i already lost john and might just go insane from all this stuff…
Pt 2 coming soon i hope :)
Enjoy guys xx
Liam king
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
A haunted theme park overrun by monsters? Count me in! It seems like it was once a regular theme park, but taken over by creatures! I wonder how it came to be…guess I’ll have to read part two to find out. I’m sorry that the main character lost John. They’ll be all alone. Hopefully the fight is worth it. The character must push on despite the monsters that lurk.
I wish you an amazing day/night.
hi pt 2 is now out plz give it a read im sure you will love it
Hey there! Here to review - welcome to YWS by the way - it's great that you're already posting work.
If you like the spooky / strange / eerie genre - two authors on YWS that I think you'll really enjoy are @Gengarisbestboy especially their Spooky Squad Series and @vampricone6783 who is another author of many spooky works.
Let's get into your piece here ~
So I understood this piece to be sort of in "journal" style - so some grammatical nuances will be a bit different than typical prose - I would probably let that mainly effect your end punctuation, but spelling and apostrophes and capitlization should probably still be traditional so as not to create lack of clarity for what's going on in a sentence.
For instance here,
These two sentences came across very messy to read, and I think readers will have a hard time getting past the spelling / capitalization to take what they're reading seriously - I would probably write the above sentence like this:
In the above section I don't know why there are paragraph breaks in the middle of sentences, but that really breaks up the flow of what's being said. I think the spelling and grammar really needs a second look to polish things up. I did think the tone of how they encountered the figure was very funny - because as a reader you're anticipating something bad to happen and then the speaker is so casual about it like they're not worried at all - it's a really funny juxtaposition that creates a little tension of anticipation. Good technique there.
I have no clue what a "UCL Score" is - is that a video game term?
The fight also seemed very calm for everything happening to them - I didn't quite get at the end of chapter 1 what exactly happened to them...
In chapter two - you may want to consider the severity of the language used throughout just because it does run the risk of alienating some of your readers before they're able to give the story a chance, and also keep in mind the language your characters does give characterization to them - so if you wanted to portray the narrator as a jerk using language like "c*nt" for their friend is definitely establishing them in that way. Just some thoughts there! I know that can be hard to balance authenticity vs audience appeal - but those are my two cents.
I would love to see you explore the world building a bit more in the story itself - how did the zombies and killer clowns and ghosts end up in the same place and come to be? It feels like the narrator just accepts their presence and begins fighting without question - but as the reader I'd love to be let in to the backstory a little bit.
The narrator is going on amusement rides after taking a machete to a group of clowns and zombies?! This really suprised me, and sort of showed again how cavalier they are about the whole scenario - I think while that certainly creates humor it does take some of the fear / horror elements away - because if the narrator isn't scared, the reader is much less likely to be since what we get is filtered through their experience.
Overall - I would probably clean up the grammar / capitalization / punctuation a little bit just to make the piece feel more put together and polished and add clarity for reading - I'd also probably lean one way or another with the tone a bit more - if you're going for humor / absurdity, then really lean into that - if you're going for horror, then lean into that.
Hope that helps!
alliyah
hi just inform u im guessing ur american no offense if you aren't but a lot of people are but the ucl is uefa champions league
Thanks for letting me know, would have never guessed ha! As you're right people don't follow that quite as much in the states. Sorry about the confusion there!
Hello there! This is loveissourgrapes and this is one of my first times reading a story that is horror. To me, as a 13-year-old person, I do not feel tense like how I feel like when I read a horror story. The pictures are great though. The second was pretty creepy too. i would love to give you some ideas but my email isn't working and I don't think I have time for this as well. I'm sorry and no promises. I see you are new here to welcome to YWS c:
This story was very interesting and fun to read. But it was hard to understand because there were parts that had a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. I just freshly did my English assignment about punctuation, spelling and story-telling and I don't know if it's just me, but I feel icky reading this because of it. I love the story but you could repost this and fix the errors.
Chapter one and two were great but I also felt like chapter three was cut. I would love to read part two too. Overall, the plot was great but the errors make it confusing. Have a great day or night! Keep on writing!
hi thx alot for the point outs and as i am typing i have another tab open writing pt 2 so it will be out soon i promise
okay, you're welcome c:
Hey this is Foxmaster.
So.... As much as I greatly enjoyed this and thought it was very interesting, first of all your story was quite disjointed and if you asked me to retell this I don't think I could be able to. Also, this was very interesting and I am soooooo conti using this. But you need to capitalize your Is and also put a space after your commas. You also have some run.on sentences and if you reread this you would see what I mean. Also I liked how you said the cackling sounded like a goat but I had to skim over some parts because they were just too confusing
That is all, and if you want to review some thing could you please do my work? Sorry about the typos but it's hard to write a review on a phone. Cue bitter laugh.
Foxmaster!!!!
guuuuuuuuys i really hope that you all enjoy remember my eamil in in the desc to ask ny q's or give ideas for chapter 4 etc etc love you guys loads and keep safe