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The Boy in The Window

by highflyer


Sometimes,

I see the boy in the Window

Looking down at me.

Sometimes he smiles

Sometimes he waves,

Peering down through the leaves.

Other times the look he holds

Isn’t quite as clear.

Is it a trembling smile?

A shaky hand,

Sweeping away a tear?

I know he wishes to protect me,

To seal his feelings away.

But everyday I see him,

With his slowly dropping facade.

I saw a flash of something,

A look of sorrow in his eye,

As he looks upon the world below.

Why does he have to hide?


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:56 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi, there! I'm Clairia, here to review.

I loved the eerie feeling of this poem. The title itself gave that impression right away; I've had nightmares of people looking in through my window, and I actually had one in particular where a child was just staring at me. Your piece resonated with me quickly in that sense and I was excited to read it.

Your piece starts off as relatively heartwarming, however, which caught me off guard.

Sometimes,

I see the boy in the Window

Looking down at me.

Sometimes he smiles

Sometimes he waves,

Peering down through the leaves.

This didn't strike me as an attempt to scare the reader, which I appreciated. The little boy was portrayed as more of a friend than some unfamiliar "creature", which is sweet, albeit a touch unrealistic. I did notice that your narrator didn't have much to say in regards to their reaction to the presence of this boy. Where they frightened? Calmed? Neutral? Because you didn't make it a point to portray emotion through your main character, I wasn't really able to get a complete understanding of what sort of feeling you wanted to convey through your writing.
Other times the look he holds

Isn’t quite as clear.

Is it a trembling smile?

A shaky hand,

Sweeping away a tear?

This transition was very well done. I liked the shift from "everything is fine" to "perhaps there's something behind that smile." The character seems to be questioning the boy and his motives, wondering if he's been hurt or forced into hiding, which I thought was expressed very well. It also drops a hint of "if you see something, say something". It was interesting thinking about if this story carried a hidden message for how some people hide their pain in the real world.

Overall, I really liked your work! The technical issues have already been pointed out by the past reviewers, so I won't make it a point to go over them again. Great job!

Thank you for sharing (and keep writing!)

Clairia

This review was brought to you by @Clairia from Team Ruby Reviewers!
Happy January 2020 Review day!
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Thu Jan 23, 2020 9:51 pm
thing2 says...



Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem! Many parts were easy to visualize, but as I began to reread it I got confused about the perspective from which it is written. Other than that, this poem is amazing and keep up the good work!




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Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:53 am
Chris Dixon wrote a review...



Hey this is amazing poem highflyer! Though has some mistake in grammar.
First of all there is a little mistake in the first line.

"I see the boy in the Window" is to be, 'I see a boy in the Window'
I am not sure but I think you should make 'W' in the 'Window' a lower case

"Sometimes he smiles "He sometimes smile
to
Sometimes he waves" Sometimes he waves

Just suggestion.

"Peering down through the leaves."
I think maybe you could describe more. Like peering down through the green leaves.

"Other times the look he holds "Other times the look he holds,
to
Isn’t quite as clear." isn't quite as clear."

I think using commas to separate is better, readers can know easily that the look he hold isn't quite as clear. And if you are writing this as third person or you are saying about lots kind of 'look'(s)you should fix "look" to "looks".

You may want to change this part, maybe.
"Why does he have to hide?" could be "Why would have to hide?"

I agree with tgham99 but with a different reason. I want to know more about the boy and ending.
No offence.

And again your work is beautiful and I want to read more about the boy.
<Chris D.




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Tue Jan 21, 2020 6:10 pm
tgham99 wrote a review...



Jumping in to leave a review!

This is a very straightforward poem that is easy to follow, and I like your use of imagery; I feel like it sets a sort of mysterious tone that leaves the reader asking questions -- does the boy know you're watching? Why does he feel the need to hide? Is he afraid of something?

I read further down that this poem was inspired by a real life friend of yours which makes this piece that much more powerful. With that context in mind, I'm thinking that this poem deserves a part 2/a continuation so we get more answers as to why the boy feels the need to hide.. but that's just me being poetry-greedy hahaha

I thought it was interesting that you capitalized the word Window in the second line; was this intentional? I also figured I'd add that there seems to be a comma missing from the line "Sometimes he smiles", but these are small grammar suggestions that don't take away from the meaning all too much.

Great poem, and I'd love to read more of your work <3




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Tue Jan 21, 2020 1:14 pm
MadagascarMaiden wrote a review...



Hi, MadagascarMaiden popping in for a review! :-)
I love this short but simple and appealing poem. It really makes a good point. You express a lot of longings. To become friends, maybe, with someone who is always hiding away. Just the right amount of punctuation. I am a poet myself and I could tell. Keep up the good work. :-)




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Tue Jan 21, 2020 12:00 am
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HGsomeone wrote a review...



A hoy hoy,

I found the use of imagery in the poem really quite effective and the whole thing had constant and steady pacing that flowed very well. The information is sparse enough to make the audience wonder what is happening and yet enough is conveyed to give us a clear picture of the characters emotions.

Keep up the good work.




highflyer says...


Wow, thank you so much! I'm really glad I got the emotions across, that's something I've been having trouble with, so that really makes me feel better!



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Mon Jan 20, 2020 8:27 pm
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yourboysalem wrote a review...



This is quite brief and direct. It's not hard to understand, like some pieces of work out there - such as very subjective poetry. However, you can imagine many different stories and scenarios where this would fit - for some reason it made me think of that movie 'The Girl In The Train', which is a great movie by the way.

Very cute! I like it. Xx




highflyer says...


Thank you so much! It's cool that my poem can have people make connections to other pieces of work and media. Glad you like it!



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Mon Jan 20, 2020 7:11 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a real quick review :-)

I'll start by saying that this poem flowed really, really well. I always find that when a poem flows well, it means the author really knows what they're trying to convey and that it means something to them.
I also liked the kind of rhyme scheme - - It helped with the flow
The imagery you created was strong and emotional and drew me in: I want to know more about this boy in the window :-)
I wonder if this boy has a whole story to be told about him? I'd be really interested to know if this was something you planned on expanding into a story.

Keep writing!
- Che :-)




highflyer says...


Ah, thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it! This indeed does mean a lot to me, it was based off of a friend I used to have who I worried about a lot. I'm not sure if I'll expand it just yet, because I have other plans for now, but perhaps in future? Thanks again!



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Mon Jan 20, 2020 3:30 pm
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CassieList says...



I like how the story flows! Even thought some of it is choppy its hidden between the other pieces of flowing work. I like the story behind the boy in the window and the narrator. The word choice is nice and works with everything in the story.


Review by LP




highflyer says...


Thank you! I'll try to work on laying out my lines so they flow a bit better in future. :)



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Mon Jan 20, 2020 10:55 am
highflyer says...



ew





The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay