I can't breathe,
can't think,
can't spend another day like this,
longing for the heavenly bliss
that seems to come only with love.
~~~
I need it,
dream of it,
aching for the warmth of fire;
the heat, the pain, the strong desire
that seem to come only with love.
~~~
I see it,
know it;
someone out there is made for me-
who'll make me feel the soaring glee
that seems to come only with love.
~~~
I search for it,
long for it,
knowing that I'm someone's world,
the feeling that I'm the brightest of pearls
that seems to come only with love.
~~~
I lack it,
miss it,
the thing that makes the whole world gleam,
that makes each day feel like a dream
that seems to come only with love.
~~~
I can't think,
can't breathe,
can't spend my entire life this way,
not floating through dream by dreamy day,
but trudging through nights without love.
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138,339 Literary Works • 672,106 Reviews
Hello! I'm here to review (another one of your poems)!
First of all--and this is totally arbitrary, but I love your quote at the hook thing at the top of the page. May just be me, but I'm a sucker for quotes from musicals. *cue my awkward laughter and let the reference band play*
So, let's get to the meat of this review! I really love the repetition of the last line in each stanza: "that seems to come only with love." Very powerful. Not only does it repeat your theme and make it more clear, but it also creates a rhythm to it and makes your flow really awesome. Kudos on that!
One line where I noticed a difference in this was the last line in the second stanza. Instead of "seems" you put "seem". Because I'm slightly crazy right now, I'm not sure if this is right or wrong. Look at that again, I guess?
Okay, let's move on to formatting! Shift-enter can make a new line here, so you don't necessarily need those ~~~ things.
There's this one line for word choice that I think could be better. Like @Autumns said below, "the knowledge that I'm someone's world" sounds off. I really like her suggestion, but feel free to do as you wish.
Overall, great poem! Awesome flow and great theme. I love how you covered the many different facets of love, which not a lot of poets and writers do. So nice job!
Hey there hemi. Here's what I have to say about this-
I love the clarity here, the flow is almost effortless and there's a strong central idea of the narrator's "craving for love", and everything else just revolves around that idea. Structurally, I like the varying repetition of 'without love' in the last line of each stanza, it's nice. However, there is room for improvement. For instance, as Rydia has already pointed out- the use of expressions like 'heavenly love' and 'soaring glee' is too abstract to be visualized and understood as something concrete. Well written poetry avoids these kinds of expressions, partly because they've been used so often that they're nothing but cliches now; and partly because they don't evoke concrete imagery.
I don't like the use of 'the knowledge that...' here. I feel like 'knowing that I'm someone's world' would sound better. Just a suggestion.
The idea you're trying to convey here through the voice of the narrator is that "I want to have the feeling that I'm special." There are many ways of expressing that. While being "the brightest of pearls" is one of them, I'm not quite feeling it. Again, this is just a personal remark and whether it works or not can vary from reader to reader. I'm just pointing it out that you can use a more unique way to express what you're trying to express here.
Other than that, it's a good piece of work and it would sound nice in a poetry-recital!
I hope that helped. Keep writing!
Au.
Hullo! I like love poems so thought I'd come check this out
Specifics
1. I like that the title of the poem is kind of the first line as well or could be read as such.
2. I'm not sure I like 'heavenly bliss' as a description of love because it seems a very vague and abstract thing. I don't know what heavenly bliss feels like or looks like or how to imagine it and being not religious myself (kind of even ex religious) it's something I shy away from and even find myself feeling a bit cynical about.
3. I'm liking the structure. Having just the one rhyming couplet in each stanza and having it not be the last two lines actually works really well.
4. Again, 'soaring glee' is very abstract. I think this would benefit from some more solid imagery - what is love to you? Is it holding hands even in public or where the sea and the sky meet and blend into one? Is it marshmallows melting into hot chocolate or a boy running beside a train even though he knows he can't keep up? Think of colours or images that a reader will be able to visualise to help them understand what kind of love we're dealing with here.
5. I think 'world' and 'pearls' is a bit of a stretch on the rhyming front but I do like the solid image so I'm willing to let you have that one!
6. I almost feel it should be 'I lack it, / miss it' because the missing it is a deeper understanding of lacking it. Sort of like I don't have it and I would like to rather than I would like to have it/ miss having it and oh by the way, I don't have it. Putting them the other way around makes it like you're telling us something we've already guessed but if you tell us you lack it first and then that you miss it, you're expanding on the knowledge you just gave us. If that makes sense?
Overall
This is sweet! The structure and rhyme are working well for you and while I think you could build up some stronger imagery, it gets the message across and it made me smile. So nice work!
All the best,
~Heather
Wow great review! Thanks for all the feedback. I myself am not religious at all, so I understand what you said about that. The reason I made those descriptions more abstract is to allow the reader to visualize love for themselves, because it is different for everyone. I totally agree with the "Miss it, lack it" feedback, and I will fix that right away! Thank you
No problem
You've already made the edits I'd say you need to make, you use repetitive structure very well, and diversify it at the same time! "heavenly bliss" soaring glee" both describe a feeling and with the variations used you give us a message within a message! Good job I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your poem:)
Thank so much!
Hello hemi828, steampowered here with a review!
Personally, I really like this poem and I especially like the repetitive structure (such as “with love”) I can actually imagine this as a song; I found myself humming a tune when I was reading this, so I feel like you could even turn this into song lyrics if you wanted to.
However, might I make a teensy suggestion? Every time you say “come only with love” it feels like it signals a new stanza. Perhaps you could put a line between the different verses? I’m aware that YWS can be a bit of a nuisance when it comes to poetry formatting, so it’s possible you’ve done this already, but if you were to put a character of some description as a “placeholder” in each line, it would mean your stanzas were more distinct from each other. Here’s an example to show what I mean:
It’s obviously just a suggestion, but it’s a little thing you can do which might improve the readability.
Generally, I’m not the hugest fan of poems and I never really know how best to review them (which is why I always feel a bit of trepidation when someone asks me for a poetry review) but I have to admit a certain regard for poems that follow a nice, rhythmic, rhyming pattern, which yours does. It’s too bad it wasn’t posted on Valentine’s Day, because this is the sort of poem that would be great in a Valentine’s card.
And one little nitpick to finish off this review:
This should be “breathe”. You used “breath” twice but it should be an easy error to go back and fix.
Overall, I thought it was a really nice poem (especially since I don’t tend to read or review poems) and I really enjoyed reading this! I look forward to reading more of your stuff!
-steampowered-
Thanks so much! I'll gladly put in your suggestions; they're very helpful.