Goodnight, my beloved,
the apple of my eye.
You are the brightest
of the stars in my sky.
Relax, my beloved,
my darling little girl.
If I were an oyster,
you'd be my bright pearl.
Sweet dreams, my beloved,
the love of my life.
Nothing will hurt you,
no fist and no knife.
Sleep well, my beloved,
'til the dawn brings back light.
Sleep well, sweet dreams, relax,
and goodnight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello! I've been waiting for you to post a poem...*rubs hands together evilly*. Let's get this review started! (and this has been forever, sorry!)
First of all, formatting. To create a new line press shift and then press enter. I think you wanted to do that in this poem?
Punctuation:
After "Goodnight" in the first line, put a comma because the speaker is addressing someone. It should read: "Goodnight, my beloved." This also applies to every other line where the speaker is addressing the beloved. The first line, the fifth line, the ninth line, and the thirteenth line.
Other than that, great job! I love this poem; your rhyme scheme is super solid and your similes (that related to nature, I noticed, which made me think that one of your themes was that love is natural) are great. You have a really sweet nostalgia-driven poem here. Nice job!
Thanks bae!
No problem! I'm sorry for making such a big deal about the formatting (thank you, glitches!). Turns out it's actually enter then shift. Weird!
Hello, hemi828~
It's Swordfish here with a review! I noticed you joined just three days ago, so I would like to welcome you to the Young Writer's Society (YWS)! I really hope you enjoy the community here, it's one of the best! You can go into chat and make friends, and I'm glad to see you decided to post one of your works!
I decided to review this because it's a lullaby, and I have seen /lots/ of lullabies before. I can't be too picky, because there are many similar lullabies out there, and most of the lullaby is very common (I mean, they are all about sleeping).
I noticed you made no grammar mistakes/errors so I can't say anything about that except give you a thumbs up.
Along the same lines as PancakeAndWaffle, I think that-
-is just a little random. I understand that the poem is giving off that "love" and "emotion" feel, but it seems a little out of place. (Not to ruin the rhyme or anything, in fact, might I comment that your rhyming was excellent!)
I think it'd be best for me to wrap the review up here because I've been chewing gum for two hours and now my mouth /huuuurts/. You did an amazing job! Keep on writing (and stay awesome)!
~Swordfish
Lol thanks so much! Yeah when I wrote that line I really was just looking for a rhyme. As soon as I have some more time on my hands I may look into changing it, but rn with high school coming up for me I'm just super busy
Hello!! I thought this poem was very unique and beautiful. It has such a beautiful tone to it. Also, I didn't see any grammar mistakes at all, good job!! Loved it! I give this a 10/10! Keep writing and being awesome!
Thanks so much! This is the first time I've shared my poetry with anyone I'm not close with and your comment just made my day
This is so sweet, I love it! Everything here is good, the grammar, the line placement, and the sentiment in the poem. However, I feel the part "If I were an oyster, you'd be my bright pearl." is a tad random. I understand it's a type of metaphor, but it feels different than the other ones. Comparing someone to a bright star in the sky shows they are the light in the darkness, the hope or meaning for a person which is what the poem is conveying. It also keeps with the "sleeping" feel, a dark starry night and sleep share a consistency together. While an oyster and pearl also has that "you are the light of my life" feel, it gives a more sunny day on the beach image, which goes against the calm, peaceful, night time atmosphere. This is just my opinion so do what you will with it, plus I understand it's hard to try and edit a poem without ruining the rhyme. Anyway, overall I enjoyed it and it's sweetness. Great job!
Pancake~
True true. Thanks so much! Yeah I wanted something to rhyme and I wanted to say something expressing how incredibly special the subject is to the speaker, so that's why I included that line.
Hola me amigo, (Hello my friend) Dogs here to review. So I really liked your poem, and I thought it was very sweet.
So, I didn't really find many nitpicks, but I do have a few suggestions on how you could change things, your not wrong at all, but I'm just going to give you a few tips.
Your not wrong, but you could make this phrase like this. Instead of using "and no" you should you nor a. Like this.. (Look below)
"Nothing will hurt you,
no fist nor a knife"
Which ever you think sounds better, either one is fine to use, I just thought that "nor a" would sound better and more clear than "and no" because the words and no, aren't usually put together, and that's why you can say nor, but it doesn't matter, you are grammatically correct making suggestion, so please don't take these things personally.
That's about all. Now for the good or better part of the review.
You have a very good rhyming, theme, but I can't seem to get that down. You did great with that, and I really like your rhyming in this poem...
Your grammar was good, I didn't really find many errors, really none at all.
Just a tip, to make the poem more organized, and for some people it makes it clear where the lines begin, most people capitalize the first letter of each line, if that makes since. If it doesn't I'd be glad to give you an example. Just wanted to point that out.
Your poem was really good, and I hope you continue to write.
If you have questions, comments, or concerns please let me know with a reply or a P.M. Thanks.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
!Muchas gracias! I speak some Spanish btw
Thanks so much! Those comments are really helpful
Denada. I speak some Spanish to, so I'm in 8th grade and I'm taking Spanish 1.