Demo; if mixing sucks, sorry :/ found a singer tho (woo!)
Hey!
Got lost again
so I cried out, “Goddammit”
Since I’m alone,
or so I thought,
until you sighed.
And then we stared in silence.
“It’s been a while!
What brings you here?”
I asked you.
Your eyes were dead,
unlike your voice,
but you never spoke again.
Sing again.
September second, two-thousand five
What a time
We let ourselves go
Yet we're still fine
If we could only rewind life
But who needs to do that?
Really...?
So I sat next to you
on the cliffside
and I swung my legs,
while you blankly gazed ahead.
I saw a spark
in your crimson eyes
but it vanished just like that shooting star.
You know, I wish
that my foolishness would’ve at least made you smile for an instant
But that’s okay.
Let’s just kick back,
watch the sunset
and decay.
mmm...
September second, two-thousand five;
It's just a day.
Who really cares when
You go away?
Why would we need a second chance?
What would we do
anyways?
Hey! What's gotten into you?
Why so bright all of a sudden?
Why not? Let's jam till we burn out.
Ow! My heart's on fire
Glad you're finally feeling it too
Rock to the rhythm of the Nocturnal beat
Make the sun shine again, the sun shine again...
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey. Rachelle here.
If this was a regular poem, I would have a lot of complaints. But since it's a song, things get a little more interesting. I enjoyed the way that you wrote this and the message of the song. I couldn't find a fitting beat to read it to, but it's not my job to do that.
Here's what I thought about while reading this. There isn't a distinguishable mood to these lyrics. Some might think it is angry, sad, or pumped. That could be a good thing. But it is more reliable to have one mood woven into it. In my experience, I can only write good lyrics when I am not only filled with feelings, but emotions. Then I can filter those emotions like depression or intense joy into what I'm writing. I am literally trying to take my feelings and write them on a page. Try to do that.
Also, one thing that I admire is that you wrote this in such a disorganized (for lack of better words) way. There is not a real pattern. It wouldn't work if it wasn't a song, but it is.
Overall, it is a good song, but you might want to consider a rewrite and the use of better words. Good luck.
Rachelle
Hi haven!
I really liked how these lyrics were in more of a story-telling form. I've always liked when songs do that, because it makes me feel like I was listening to a story. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite figure out how to listen to the music you've composed alongside it, but right now I'm imaging something quite light/ just not that sad sounding. I also like the repeated bit of september second, two thousand and five.
As for suggestions, I can't really think of much. To be honest, I really need to hear the lyrics. The fact that it's clearly directed at one person and one person only makes it slightly awkward to read. I like the use of the second person, but I feel at some point you could add some more general points that the listener will actually understand. If I were to analyse these lyrics right now (don't worry, I won't) I'd be at a loss to even begin to talk about what's going on.
So as a follow on from my last point, because this whole piece is quite 'you you you', maybe you could add in some more imagery. I say that because the last verse is very descriptive, and creates some really beautiful imagery, so I think it'd be cool if you could perhaps add that in throughout your song. Obviously not too much, because lyrics don't generally contain a lot of that, but just a little more so it's not as awkward to read.
Lastly, I don't really understand what's happening. So the person the song is talking about, left, then came back, but is now not as enthusiastic as they used to be? But the narrator doesn't really care at all. I think this could use a bit more explanation because I'm a bit confused, and it doesn't really make sense, making the readers/listeners less likely to care about the people of these lyrics. Obviously, it's up to you how much you reveal, but right now the story is a bit all over the place. And as you've chosen to make this a narrative set of lyrics, you could just add in a bit more explanation.
That's all I have to say. I hope this helps, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thanks for the review, ArcticMonkey!
Sorry that there aren't any vocals to the music yet. I can't sing! And I'd never ask someone to demo a first draft.
I've only left out details because I'm not sure on whether or not I should base the story on the first idea I came up with. Mind hearing it?
Also, I do have another piece for you to review: my untitled work. That one's more fleshed out, but I wonder if you can get the story out of that.
Thanks again!
Sure, I'd love to hear it! Also, could you give me a link? Thanks.
Hey, yo, haven235! Strange here and I have a review for you!
Now, I treat lyrics the same as poetry because they have a lot of similar elements that make them up, but lyrics have to follow a certain pattern. Yes, indie folk punk exists but even that follows a certain basis every song follows. This does follow the guidelines, but the actual problem is the mood. For example:
A hook is always needed, and this felt somewhat flat. It could lead onto an interesting story, but that wasn't it. It could be the way you formatted it, but this just sounds like talking. A recommendation is that you could possibly put the first two lines together and remove the first exclamation point.
This is getting catchy, but still lacks some sort of intimacy and emotion. If I was to listen to a song that isn't some pop crap, I want to be delicately intertwined within the lyrics, but this is now getting too formulaic.
This is actually very catchy, but once again, formulaic and doesn't help that much.
From the first stanza to this part, you manage to have something that captures mood and connection between two, which is oddly impressive. However, it changes.
The most important parts about lyrics is their hook and the send off. You managed to set a scene in the hook, but the whole mood became wonky and ruined at the end. The lack of direct explanation doesn't work. It actually seems that there is a lack of correlation because I got lost. Were you trying to say a break up story? A getting back together story? The message got utterly lost in translation and ruined it for me.
Hope this helps, adios!
It was sweet, it had a story, but for me it was almost incomplete.
they were pretty words. Relatable in a way. They were nice.
I liked the way it was so conversational. It was nice, like you have a piece of your self to us, the readers. I like songs like that. It makes it seem real instead of plastic.
keep writing you're doing good.
~Inked