Young Writers Society

Hey. Rachelle here.

If this was a regular poem, I would have a lot of complaints. But since it's a song, things get a little more interesting. I enjoyed the way that you wrote this and the message of the song. I couldn't find a fitting beat to read it to, but it's not my job to do that.

Here's what I thought about while reading this. There isn't a distinguishable mood to these lyrics. Some might think it is angry, sad, or pumped. That could be a good thing. But it is more reliable to have one mood woven into it. In my experience, I can only write good lyrics when I am not only filled with feelings, but emotions. Then I can filter those emotions like depression or intense joy into what I'm writing. I am literally trying to take my feelings and write them on a page. Try to do that.

Also, one thing that I admire is that you wrote this in such a disorganized (for lack of better words) way. There is not a real pattern. It wouldn't work if it wasn't a song, but it is.

Overall, it is a good song, but you might want to consider a rewrite and the use of better words. Good luck.

Rachelle

Hi haven!

I really liked how these lyrics were in more of a story-telling form. I've always liked when songs do that, because it makes me feel like I was listening to a story. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite figure out how to listen to the music you've composed alongside it, but right now I'm imaging something quite light/ just not that sad sounding. I also like the repeated bit of september second, two thousand and five.

As for suggestions, I can't really think of much. To be honest, I really need to hear the lyrics. The fact that it's clearly directed at one person and one person only makes it slightly awkward to read. I like the use of the second person, but I feel at some point you could add some more general points that the listener will actually understand. If I were to analyse these lyrics right now (don't worry, I won't) I'd be at a loss to even begin to talk about what's going on.

So as a follow on from my last point, because this whole piece is quite 'you you you', maybe you could add in some more imagery. I say that because the last verse is very descriptive, and creates some really beautiful imagery, so I think it'd be cool if you could perhaps add that in throughout your song. Obviously not too much, because lyrics don't generally contain a lot of that, but just a little more so it's not as awkward to read.

Lastly, I don't really understand what's happening. So the person the song is talking about, left, then came back, but is now not as enthusiastic as they used to be? But the narrator doesn't really care at all. I think this could use a bit more explanation because I'm a bit confused, and it doesn't really make sense, making the readers/listeners less likely to care about the people of these lyrics. Obviously, it's up to you how much you reveal, but right now the story is a bit all over the place. And as you've chosen to make this a narrative set of lyrics, you could just add in a bit more explanation.

That's all I have to say. I hope this helps, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,

~ArcticMonkey x

Hey, yo, haven235! Strange here and I have a review for you!

Now, I treat lyrics the same as poetry because they have a lot of similar elements that make them up, but lyrics have to follow a certain pattern. Yes, indie folk punk exists but even that follows a certain basis every song follows. This does follow the guidelines, but the actual problem is the mood. For example:

Hey!
Fancy meeting you here!
It's been a while, how've you been doing?

You could say I was on an adventure;
left for a while to check things out.
I didn't care where I went, I just wandered around
and somehow ended up here.

September second, two-thousand five.
What a time!
We let ourselves go
yet we're still fine.

I know it already anyways.

I guess we'll just sit and watch the sunset together.

Don't you like it?
I think it's beautiful.
The stars do too,
and look! We're not alone anymore!

Hey! What's gotten into you?
Why so bright all of a sudden?
Why not? Let's jam till we burn out.

Ow! My heart's on fire!
Glad you're finally feeling it too.
Rock to the rhythm of the Cosmic beat
Make the sun shine again, the sun shine again...

It was sweet, it had a story, but for me it was almost incomplete.
they were pretty words. Relatable in a way. They were nice.
I liked the way it was so conversational. It was nice, like you have a piece of your self to us, the readers. I like songs like that. It makes it seem real instead of plastic.
keep writing you're doing good.
~Inked