Timmy heeere!
I'm going to warn you before I begin with anything. Lyrics are not my strong point at all. I have written about a half-dozen songs (although none have completed melodies), so I'm not what you'd call an expert on this by any means. Regardless, I will read through and see if I can offer you any help on the parts I think read awkwardly.
Oh, and I listened to the accompaniment you have here. It is incredible, and I think combining the two together will create a lovely song. But I will also be leaving the melody out of the review because I couldn't follow along well enough. >< Mostly because I had no idea when the singing began. Perhaps if someoneee sang it? xD
On a beach I got shipwrecked
What the hell just happened?
The first line reads veryyy awkwardly to me - when I read it out-loud for flow. Mainly I suppose because the line doesn't flow all the way through. In a normal sentence, there would be a comma after beach. I'm not critiquing that since this is a song and not a short story. xD But I think if you reworded it in such a way so that it flows all the way through without that hitch. Perhaps just flip them around like: I got shipwrecked on a beach. I'll also say that I'm not a fan of the word got much in that line. It seems very rough and easy to stumble over. And, it doesn't sound nice with the voice, I think. :/ The second line merely seemed odd, since it didn't really add to the message in the song much at all. It just showed the character swearing and answering questions. And they're no resolutions for the shipwrecked and such? Seems odd how you're talking about shipwreck in one sentence, I would think there needs to be somewhat of an arc in the message - especially if you're changing the focus as you're doing.
Each new part after the single word seems to bear its own idea, wich is great. It just means the previous idea should have some kind of a wrap-up, a way of resolving it.
That I'm home sleeping in bed
When will I get back with
...you?
I've heard this phrase a few too many times for my liking, and I don't mind hearing it again if the song has a unique way of telling the reader. This read the same as the other times I've heard it, and I think you can do better. Either find something else that goes along the same lines, or find a different wording that doesn't have the cliche ring to it?
One thing I am not seeing here is a distinct message. Okay, I do think I see a message - but not one that separates this from the other million+ romantic songs out there about loss and love. And looking at the lyrics, I think I see something that separates it from the others, but I don't see a pattern in the song to set it apart enough. I think what needs to happen here is look at the piece - every line being carefully analyzed for content and message - looking at the message in each stanza for what it gives. And see if the song tells a distinct story, and each line builds to a conclusion.
As a whole, I love many of the phrases you use here and the song does flow rather well, even without the rhyming I see in most songs. Many songs seem to depend on the rhymes in order to maintain a flow, but yours didn't need it at all. ^.^ And your accompaniment music was <3333. I love love how you did it, and even though I can't see the lyrics in the song yet (because I don't know where it lies), I think the accompaniment was done wonderfully. I wish I had your talent. xD
I don't know what else to give you. :/ I wish I knew more about songs.
~Darth Timmyjake
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