Timmy hereeee
So I will be reviewing this as I did the last one - as a poem, and not lyrics. Mostly because it's difficult to follow the synthesizers as they're an accompaniment and I'm not sure where the words are supposed to fall into place. The accompaniment does sound amazing, as yours always do, so that's not my reason. :3 It's just difficult to review them together.
I'll just go through and point out whatever I see as awkward, okay? c:
I don't want you to come with.
This part read veryyy awkward, and I think it's because anyone and everyone expects for the singer/narrator to say "with me" at the end, and you left it out. Intentional?
She cried, tears were falling
Okay, so this will be the majority of my review, it seems. When you go through your lines, you seem to repeat yourself quite a bit. Here, you have she cried. DONE. You have the action and feeling put out in the open. But then you say right afterwards with tears were falling. That's redundant. When you go through this, go for concise and powerful language, even if you're telling a story. And when you go through and repeat your ideas twice or three times, it weakens your message. There are more places like this. Let me show you. :3
She shut up, there was no use in calling his name
The listener would be able to gather that she shut up, because the narrator also said there was no use to call his name. Remember - say it once, and say it strong.
and a burnt casserole
From the oven, still intact; it was a curious mystery
When I read through this part, I went Whaaa? I honestly have no idea what it does to push this song's idea forward, what it means, and why it's in there. A burnt casserole. What does that do to push the message of your song towards the listener? To me, it did nothing but leave me confused. But perhaps there is a deeper meaning and I'm not seeing what lies behind the... burnt casserole.
The first part of the song makes sense by itself, right to the part after he finishes his rambling (which seemed more like something you'd get out of a essay-ish poem, but this is a very original song). But the second part seems so disjointed from the first that I don't know how to piece it together. Either you have some complicated symbolism going on in there, or they truly don't fit together. I'm just confused while reading about the stars and planets - right from the spoken part onwards. Just confused and not sure what I'm reading or listening to.
Remember: there has to be a focus of the song, no matter what. Just like anything in our lives, it needs a focus. A message, right? And what is your message? It needs to be clear, resonating through the piece. If it's clear, the reader will pick up on it and find the string you laid out. They'll follow the maze of your verses and come up to the same conclusion. It's like the key to unlock the song, you might say. c: So find out your message and go from there.
There are parts in this song that seem to have no clear purpose, too:
And kid, always remember this piece of advice:
If you set your mind to it, you can do it guaranteed
Now have a good one
That one seemed the most out of place. And it must be because it's the transition between the two sections? Perhaps that's what you need to make the two halves flow together better - a stronger connector. What you have above just seems like you were talking adamantly about something, and then next sentence - topic change, now to giving advice.
There isn't much more I can say on this song. I love love love it's originality. I planned on coming here with a complaint that there was no chorus to bring us back to the center of the song, and to sum everything up. But when I was finished reading the song for the second time, I realized that must've been the intent. To write something similar to a free-verse poem - without structure, just as you want it. And I thought that was really neat. c: I won't lie; this wasn't your best song. I prefer the one I reviewed before to this one, and the other I'm reviewing soon I like better, too. But that doesn't mean this one isn't just as good. I just like the others better. :p
I hope this helps somewhat. And I'm sorry if I came out harsh. I'll be nice on the next song. c:
~Darth Timmyjake
Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007
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