~Prologue~
The Avonis. The very name that stiffens the bones, makes blood run cold, and can create fear from even the strongest spirits. This is not an exaggeration; it is as if the name itself is cursed. This is the race that the Empire of Prophis had been fighting for centuries, the creatures rebelling against the ways of the universe, the demons of Aviah.
Not a single, living creature on the planet had expected the attack to come so soon. All that they could do was stare at the sky helplessly, gazing at the red ships as if they were omens of inevitable death. Many of them believed that they were. Most of the commoners and lower-class citizens were still in their homes and on the streets, and their panic was adding to the chaos. However, those who were clever enough to spot the assault the moment it occurred were hiding in the council room of the Palace. One of these people was Yangul. Yangul the Watcher, they called him, made well known for his ability to observe circumstances and make accurate predictions of what will come.
Little do they know, he thought. He had this ability for a reason. Everything has a reason, and nothing can freely happen. Yangul had done the unthinkable. He saw the forbidden wall, he gazed into the fabrics of time itself. He knew all that would come in the distant future, but unfortunately could not predict what the outcome of this particular battle would be. It is like a window in his mind, showing him the major events in history in all of time, but turning black whenever he tried to see how his own life would unfold. A shame, really. After all he had witnessed, and all he could accomplish, he could now lose his life. People were calling this time the end of all existence, others rumored that this was the final struggle, like the one that the prophecy described, and that it would decide what the fate of the universe would fall to. Yangul already knew the outcome of this war. He knows that neither side will favor it. It is as clear as the bright orange sky. They do not see it, and the enemy does not see it, for Yangul could never tell them. The universe is nothing they could begin to comprehend, anyway. Always changing, expanding, fading away. There are billions of factors that could crumble it at the slightest touch, and the fascinating part is that it doesn't. It is quite beautiful, really, how the worlds have managed to thrive after all of these conditions and remain stable.
Yangul glanced through the window, trying to observe the scene from the top floor of the Palace. He saw the devil army, the Avonis, marching out of their ships, which have docked and crushed many of the crisp basil trees in their path. The Prophican soldiers rushed out to meet them. They were clearly unprepared, and one or two did not even bother to put on clothes. There was an eerie silence, with both races staring at the other in a mixture of overwhelming fear and bitter hate.
Suddenly, a shot rang out, from none other than the Avonis War King himself. As the poor Prophican guard crumpled to the ground, the charging began. In no time at all, twenty minutes had passed, and it was not looking good. The defending side was slowly retreating to the fortress. The defending soldiers were being crushed under the weight of the attackers' brutal weaponry, but the occasional Avonis would also fall, taking down his own allies, an electrified arrow lodged in his head. The infantry Prophicans were frantically running towards the Palace at this point, as did the ranged guards when the Avonis fire cannons came rolling through the field of combat.
The glass just a few feet away from Yangul shattered. He could see two red arms attempt to grab hold of a part of the wall, followed by a heavily armored head, which let out several unhappy growling noises. Yangul did his best to ignore the immense wave of panic that was coursing through his body and swiftly reached for his cane. With one fierce movement, he slammed the creature in the head and watched as it plummeted into the battle, disappearing from his line of sight. Yangul's safety was not ensured yet, however; the enemy was trying to climb the walls.
He knew he was no longer able to hide there, so he ran out and saw the horrific image at the tower. There was a brawl in every corridor of the once great castle, with men being launched down stairwells, tall pillars collapsing, and large proportions of fire. It was then that Yangul saw him. The Avonis War King was pushing through the chaos of the halls effortlessly and unscathed, and it was clear he intended to go somewhere. He was getting close. Then, another figure approached him. It was a lightly armored warrior, and it was clear that it was not a Prophican nor a devil. This person wielded the most magnificent sword that Yangul had ever come across. Yangul could feel the pure energy and power that the weapon contained, and he almost forgot how to stand when he realized what it was. The blade of old legend. The one that Yangul had had seen in numerous visions.
The warrior began a stance and prepared for a duel. The War King showed no signs of fear or emotion as he pulled off his helmet. Yangul covered his mouth when he saw the face. There was no doubt in his heart that this was the being that caused this war. The tough, red skin made him look indestructible, the wide horns appeared to pierce even the air, and his terrifying yellow snake-like eyes darted around the room menacingly.
It appeared that there was absolutely no possibility that the sword-wielding warrior could succeed.
But Yangul the Watcher knew it could not end now. He has seen everything. The army of shadows, the rise of the dragons, the red core. It was all going to happen. It would not end here!
Suddenly, an explosion was triggered, its source unknown, engulfing everything around it and leaving no hope for survival...
********************************************************************************************************************************
Thanks guys! Constructive criticism is appreciated (I'm a perfectionist), but do not forget to tell me anything I did well! ;)
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Cole's Legacy - Book 2 ProloguePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hi Nate, welcome to YWS! I'll give you some specific comments first, as I read through, and then a more general overview at the end.
Specifics
1. A very strong opening! There's a great tone to this and you vary your sentences well. My only suggestiong would be that in the last line that 'the ones rebelling' feels a little colloquial almost. How about using the creatures or repeating the race instead? The repetition would help build up emphasis for the use of demons in the next description, while creatures would give a more gradual change in label from being a race, something which feels civilised, to being a creature, something which lives on instinct instead of morals, to being a demon, something evil and inhuman.
2.
This is slightly awkward phrasing. It's that last part which feels really tagged on the end. It feels like you've changed subject too much by then to suddenly revert back to repeating that he is well known. Here's what I'd suggest:
One of these people was Yangul. Yangul the Watcher, they called him, made well known for his ability to observe circumstances and make accurate predictions of what will come.
3.
Just is one of these awkward, little words which we find ourselves wanting to put into a lot of sentences in order to emphasise something, but quite often it has the opposite effect. It's the sound of it. The word 'just' when used in a passive form makes a thing feel trivial. I think your sentence above would read better as, 'nothing can simply happen' or 'nothing can freely happen' because it would fit your tone and vocabulary more smoothly.
4.
5.
6. You contradict yourself a lot when saying that Yangul does not know the outcome and then that he does. You may need to take another look at that; it's very disengaging.
7. I find it interesting that you use 'its' - are there females fighting as well then? Are there females fighting on both sides? Generally the term for a war is his, even when there are scant females on the battlefield; it is just assumed to be a man's world. If you are using its, we feel distant from the action and that's not a good thing. We have a lot vested in this battle so don't take that away by giving us a war which could be happening to any nation. I want to know if some of these falling creatures are women as well. What you could do if you wanted to be accurate is something like this:
The defending soldiers were being crushed under the weight of the attackers' brutal weaponry, but the occasional Avonis would also fall, taking down his own allies, an electrified arrow lodged in his head. To the front right, Yangul noticed a female Avonis had joined the fray and she challenged with the same ferocity of the males. Yangul was distressed and strangely fascinated to see that she also fought bare and the blood of her enemies was the only covering she had.
8. Is the exclamation mark needed? I think not. You build a sense of atmosphere and danger through your tone and we already feel that this is a terrible thing. In your writing, it is actually more dramatic and effective to state in this low, dangerous tone than to shout, which is what the exclamation mark represents.
9.
10.
Overall
I'm not sure about your ending to this prologue; that final sentence feels a bit too casual. However, the rest is very well done. I find that the character if Yangul is interesting, though I would like to see more of his intentions. Does he hide in the palace because he is also a coward or only because he is wise? Does he give up his hiding place with the intention of helping or running away? He's a bit of a closed book at the moment and I feel he needs to be more open since he is the reader's perspective and their connection to what is happening here.
Great work on the tone and the atmosphere and there's not much I would fault about the writing itself. The plot so far is interesting, though it is difficult to care much about the two races when he currently know so little of them. I am sure that will build with time though and it wasn't enough to put me off yet: just be aware that this is a difficult opening. Instead of giving us one or two people to meet and get to know, you give us two races and demand a sympathy for one of them at the very outset.
I hope this helps and feel free to send me a pm if you have any questions!
Heather xx
Thanks so much! This has been a great help in developing the prologue, and I appreciate the time you put into this review.
Tenses are one of my weakest areas, so I'm glad you helped me find better ways to phrase them!
I keep seeing this novel pop up on my news feed and it always throws me off since it has my name in it
Hahahaha srry 'bout that!
When I read this and finished I wanted more! This was very well written and I loved it. When it described the Avonis King I was able to get a mental image of it. I really like the idea. I hope that I'll be able to read more. Great Job!
THAT WAS PERFECT! I have been searching for a story with true fantasy and SciFi action for quite a while! You have captured my attention, Sir. Something in the title caught my eye but I decided to read a different story before yours. Your story is captivating, heart stopping and utterly amazing. Please continue this story. I will keep and eye out for it.
Okay, Black here for a Review!
Now this was good, it had the original potential for becoming something great, it had the skill needed to get it finished, and it had the interestingnessity to keep me reading it! All important things, though originality really holds a lot for me.
Now I wish I could tell you this had no problems, however if I did, that would be a lie. The main problems that I see are in your pace, your grammar, and in your tense. Your plot is a bit fuzzy, and for a prologue, this is a bit hard to follow . . . Theme of course is not easy to find this early on.
So! Let me try to cover all of these, one after another!
A: Your prologue is choppy and not very prologuey: A prologue should introduce you to a story, it shouldn't try to tell part of it and hope - in doing so - to introduce you. For fantasy stories usually you want a prologue with lots of narrative summary (Telling) and description. Here's an example of a prologue that introduces you to a story using telling and Narrative summary (It gives you an idea of what the story world is!) (I got a pro to rate it and he gave it a 9) - work.php?id=99746.
Granted, there are places were this prologue needs work, but it gives you a feel for the story world, as it's supposed to.
The story world is the most important part of a fantasy novel! Almost always - I have a feeling yours is going to be no exception. You did not introduce it, hence, you did not get your prologue to do what it was supposed to. You need to give in more solid information on your world - it's structure (Geography, people's, history . . . )
A look through previous reviews tells me that someone has already mention the tense problems to you.
Now: Your pace.
You must be careful, your pace is a very important part of your novel (Especially in a fantasy) - (So it appears that I have to go and take care of something right now (I'll get back to this review (I'd draft it, but that doesn't always work)
Hey! Thanks for the really constructive review; I knew it was far from perfect. In fact, you gave me the idea to make this chapter one and have something more introductory as a prologue.
Then again, I may just revise this one. I'll see which fits better, because the whole reason that this scene was the prologue was because it takes place about a million years before the events of the current chapter 1.
Hello here goes the review I said I would give you.
After reading the first chapter I got all excited to read this and it did not disappoint. You are really good at describing things in a way that makes me feel as if I'm there along with the characters. Also glad to see this is not all done in bold. I agree about the tense but hey I have been guilty of mixing it up on accident too. Over all very good prologue and interesting story.
Keep writing and above all have fun doing it.
Hey there! I like the idea, I'm excited to read more! I like how you began, as well. It gives you an idea of what the soldiers fighting are thinking as they defend their home against these creatures. The name sounds cool, too.
As for criticism, I agree about the tenses. For instance, the second to last paragraph switches in every sentence pretty much. You probably want to read through again and double check. The only other suggestion I have really would be to lengthen your sentences, because you have a lot of short consecutive short sentences, so you end up breaking the piece in ways that the reader doesn't particularly find pleasing. So yeah, have more sentence variety.
Other than those things, I think this is awesome! I love action in novels, it's definitely not the easiest thing to write about and describe well!
Careful about the tense. There was a little bit in the middle that was in the present tense. Other than that, you already know how great I think this is. Glad to see you fixed those little mistakes I pointed out earlier. Great job, as usual, and also as usual, keep writing ;D