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The Eyes that Laid Upon the Other

by gv7233


The eyes that laid upon the other shows a sign of grief and love.

It may show justice and revenge that caused by the painful truth.

The erroneous words that had been spoken--

   --it all speaks through the eyes.

The shallow eyes that shows the immoral act of love.

The love that once had shown--

   --through the eyes that laid upon the other.


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841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Fri May 18, 2018 5:30 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about emotions that were expressed in someone’s eyes when a bitter truth was revealed. We are told that the eyes were suddenly mixed with grief and love. As the saying goes, the eyes are indeed the windows of the soul. In this case the reaction was both grief and love. In others, it might be hatred and revenge. I like the way that the poem points this out.

The speaker condemns someone’s statements as erroneous yet tells us that they revealed truth. This caused me to ask the following question.

The words were true but erroneous or wrong?
Would he have preferred a pleasant lie?

suggestions

The eyes that laid upon the other [may show] a signs of grief and love.
They may show justice and revenge caused by the painful truth.


The eyes that laid upon the other shows
[The eyes...show....]

It may show justice....
[They may show justice....]

[The shallow eyes that shows....]
[The shallow eyes that show....]

....revenge that caused by....
[....revenge caused by....]

The love that once had shown--
--through the eyes that laid upon the other

[The love that once had shown
through the eyes that laid upon the other[.]

Words that might replace the verb show in order to add variety:
[reveal, display, manifest.]




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18 Reviews


Points: 14
Reviews: 18

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Thu May 17, 2018 6:43 pm
Quinine wrote a review...



I really like this poem-short yet sweet, not spelling out the event yet portraying it. My only suggestion for you is to keep up a more consistent structure-This
"The erroneous words that had been spoken--

--it all speaks through the eyes.

The shallow eyes that shows the immoral act of love.

The love that once had shown--

--through the eyes that laid upon the other."
and this
"The eyes that laid upon the other shows a sign of grief and love.

It may show justice and revenge that caused by the painful truth."
appear to have different structures. I think it would make it a bit better if they were a bit more similar. But that's just my opinion.

-Quinine





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