Vampyres, Prt 2.

Hey, I've gotten some pretty good feedback about my last part, particuarly from roon, so I posted more. Again, please tell me what you think.

Oh yes, since I can't find the 'rate' button, I'll just tell you now. PG-13. Possibly R.

You are probably confused now. You are probably thinking, ‘How can she be dead if she wrote this?’ Well, if you’ll have a little patience I’ll tell you.

I fell.

I didn’t fall very far though. For at that moment, a white hand snaked over the edge of the bridge and caught my wrist. I gasped. The hand was icy cold. The next thing I knew I was on the bridge again.

Standing in front of me was a man. He was of regular height, with black hair and black eyes. He was wearing a black robe. But the most noticeable thing about him was his skin. It was pale white, almost like snow, and there were no marks on it at all.

He walked over to the carriage, which was dangerously close to falling. He stepped in between the horses, which I thought was rather dumb, and grabbed the bar that the horses were tied to. With one deft movement, he pulled the carriage onto the bridge.

I was amazed. The man who had been controlling the horses was sitting in his seat in a daze. He jumped off of his seat when he saw me.

“Princess, forgive me! The ride was so long that I dozed. The next thing I knew the carriage was hanging off of the bridge!” He got on his knees before my feet. I smiled and leaned down, pulling him upright by his shoulders. “There is nothing to forgive. I would have done the same in your position.”

He kept his head down. “Thank you Princess.” I looked for my rescuer. He was gone.

I got back inside my carriage and we rode on, the driver being careful to stay in the center of the bridge. We made it across quickly.

Now we were in a dark forest. The trees threw shadows on the ground like pictures in black ink, and to my left I could see the sun setting. That was the first odd thing. The sun shouldn’t have been setting for several hours. I watched it sink below the horizon. After a while the moon came up. It was a full circle, and as white as the man’s skin. I put my forehead against the cool glass of the window. I was tired, and I found myself nodding off. I fell asleep. I had no way of knowing that this would be the last natural sleep that I would ever have.

When I woke up the carriage was stopping. Outside of the window I could see a black castle. It was huge. There were several towers and battlements, with a large drawbridge over a moat. The water was black as well, and looked like silk in the moonlight. The drawbridge came down, as if I was expected.

I was rather nervous. The carriage trundled over the drawbridge. I noticed that there were no guards around the castle. We went past the main walls. We were in a stone courtyard, with a fountain in the center.

The carriage stopped and I got out cautiously. The courtyard had three doors. There was one door on both sides, and one door straight across. The two on either side were of normal height, width and look, but the main door was amazing. It was a double door, ten feet high, and made of black wood. It was engraved with frightful creatures. Demons, dragons, hydras, and many more things covered it.

The door opened without a sound, and a person came out. His face was expressionless, and he watched the driver and I with empty eyes. His hair was black, and his skin was pale. Everyone from around here seems to have pale skin. I thought. He turned back inside and beckoned for us to follow him.

I began walking. I motioned for my driver to stay behind. He did so reluctantly. I was very nervous now. The man continued walking. I followed him inside.

I was inside of a hallway, made of the same dark rock as the outside. It was dimly lit with torches. I walked for what seemed like hours, but could only be a few minutes, following the man closely. Eventually I got to another set of double doors that looked exactly like the doors before, but much bigger.

The man pushed them open and I walked in. I gasped and it echoed around the room I was in.

It was rather large, made of the same black rock. On the floor was a thin red carpet, the only thing that I had seen that wasn’t colored black in the entire place. At the end of the room, across from me, was the man that had come to our castle three years ago.

Lying randomly across the floor, some leaning on one another, were other people that had the same skin and hair as the rest of them. They were also all wearing black. He was sitting on a black throne that seemed to be growing out of the wall behind him. The rock twisted and curved in such a way that it looked like a black tree.

He was sitting sideways, with one of his legs draped over one of the arms, the other tucked behind the arm, and his back against the other arm. He smiled when I came in, and I saw his oddly shaped teeth again. And once again, they sent a shiver down my spine that I couldn’t explain.

He wasn’t wearing his cloak this time, but was dressed in black pants and a black shirt. His pants were unadorned, but his shirt was encrusted with black onyx stones. “Welcome Princess, to my abode. I have been expecting you.” His voice chilled me to the bone. I was afraid of him, and I could tell that he knew I was.

Struggling to keep my voice even, I said, “Well, if you have been expecting me I can get straight to the point. My father has sent me here in regards to our trade agreement that was made between our respective kingdoms six years ago.”

He laughed. “Why so formal Princess? We’re all friends here.”

I wasn’t so sure.

“You will not send us weapons or anything else that you promised us, but demand that we continue sending you people. Why?” He continued smiling in an unpleasant way. “Your father sent you eh?” I nodded. He laughed again.

“ That naïve fool. Sending his only daughter into the very country that has been planning war against him unguarded. What is the world coming to?”

The blood drained from my face. “W-war?” I felt like I would faint. I regained control of myself difficultly. “Why would you be planning war against us? You have been supplying us with weapons for six years now.”

He gave me the same I-know-better-than-you look that he had given my father six years ago. “Ah, the weapons that we made from iron marinated in water from the pond of weakness? Rather obviously named, but effective.”

I gaped at him. The pond of weakness could weaken anything, to the point where it was flimsy as thread. He smiled. “You understand now don’t you? Those idiots in your own country replaced their good weapons with weapons that couldn’t be used for cutting butter, let alone protect anybody. Our smiths here can do something with the metal that will make the flimsiness unnoticeable, until used against our own weapons.”

I stared at him in horror. His words hit me like blows to the heart. He sighed.

“Well, I really am sorry about this, but I’m afraid that I can’t let you or your driver waiting in your carriage go back to your kingdom and tell everyone.”

I saw out of the corner of her eye that the others around the room were standing up and looking at me like I was going to be their next meal. I began backing away, but I bumped into hands, pushing me back towards the man on the throne.

He was still smiling. He stood and began walking towards me. I couldn’t move, couldn’t do a thing. I was frozen by terror.

“It would be a shame to waste a pretty body like yours.” He said, his smile growing wider. I noticed that some of his people were closing behind him, making an impenetrable circle around us.

One of them came forward and whispered to him. “Are you sure about this sir? You may lose control, and she may rebel.”

He glared at him. “Of course I am; do you doubt me Smith?” The man shook his head and stepped back.

He continued advancing on me. Soon he was right in front of me. He reached out his hand and cupped the right side of my neck. His head snapped back as soon as he touched my skin. He breathed deeply through his nose, and his head came forward and he sighed, as if refreshed.

“Well then, let’s get started.”

I noticed that his eyes had turned a dark wine red, the same color as my dress. Suddenly the people around us closed in as tight as the circle could get, and hands grabbed the back of my head and pulled it back, exposing the flesh of my neck. He leaned forward, and I felt teeth on it. I felt them puncture my skin. I screamed.

Comments & reviews · 5
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YAY! I'm all caught up with your story (until you write part 4) and I love it! Although I have to say I was a little disappointed with the content. I don't know how many R-rated movies you've watched recently, or how many nasty books but this comes no where close. I could read this much voilence in Harry Potter; maybe even in The Magic Treehouse. I think you should cool off on your ratings a little. Maybe you're trying to prepare us for the terrible gore that comes up later, so you can point to this and say, "Did I not say R?? Don't come crying to be about how I explicitly describe the process of flailing! And impaling!" But unless that is the case you've got very light pg 13. And that is all! I love it! I'm doing a jig in celebration! Huzzah, evil vampires! A compelling story!

User avatar
bubblegum
Comment

I want more of this story :-p
You're very good at writing about vampyres..
And the other things.. ^^

User avatar
roon
Review
roon wrote a review · Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:33 pm

Crocksylocksy, I’m back again! I loved it, again, you’re incredible! I’m going to steal your brain…Nitpicks!

You are probably confused now. You are probably thinking, ‘How can she be dead if she wrote this?’ Well, if you’ll have a little patience I’ll tell you.

If this is part of the story get rid of it. You explain later. If it isn’t, it still isn’t needed, so get rid.

I didn’t fall very far though. For at that moment, a white hand snaked over the edge of the bridge and caught my wrist. I gasped.

Again, the first sentence is redundant. Lose it, and start the next sentence with though, or something.

The next thing I knew I was on the bridge again.

Me thinks there should be a comma after knew.

Standing in front of me was a man.

A man stood before me.

He was of regular height, with black hair and black eyes.

I think you should add some more description about the hair and eyes. Also, you should say his hair and eyes were black *as coal?* is saves you repeating yourself.

He stepped in between the horses, which I thought was rather dumb,

I would say foolish rather than dumb, it sounds more… princessy.

“There is nothing to forgive. I would have done the same in your position.”

She would have fallen asleep and let her princess fall to her death? Say “I forgive you *mention something about his weariness not being his fault*”

I looked for my rescuer. He was gone.

Make this into one sentence, replace the full stop with a semi-colon.

The trees threw shadows on the ground like pictures in black ink

Lovelovelove this bit, absolutely beautiful, so poetic and enthralling!

the driver being careful to stay in the center of the bridge

The driver was careful, I think this sounds better, but that’s my opinion, and I’m weird… o.O

The water was black as well, and looked like silk in the moonlight.

Sigh, I want your magical description powers…

There was one door on both sides, and one door straight across.

There was a door each side, and one that went right across.

It was a double door, ten feet high, and made of black wood. It was engraved with frightful creatures.

I think a double door is a two part door, like the others you mentioned… otherwise, the description is wonderful!

The door opened without a sound, and a person came out.

Comma after opened. Also, could you think of a better word to use than person?

Everyone from around here seems to have pale skin. I thought.

Don’t start a new sentence, just stop using italics.

I motioned for my driver to stay behind. He did so reluctantly.

I motioned for my driver to stay behind; he did so reluctantly.

I was very nervous now. The man continued walking. I followed him inside.

Commas could be used here instead of starting new sentences all the time.

made of the same dark rock as the outside.
...
made of the same black rock.

You can’t use the same description twice.

that wasn’t colored black

You could get rid of the coloured, it would flow more nicely.

had come to our castle three years ago.

Oopsy, I think you mean 6 years ago, don’t you?

His pants were unadorned, but his shirt was encrusted with black onyx stones.

Heehee, I wants some of these fancy pants! Seriously though, this is really good, your attention to detail is phenomenal! Keep it up!

the same I-know-better-than-you look that he had given my father six years ago.

I would just say knowing look.

pond of weakness

Pond of weakness? Could you not say that the weapons had been laced with magic, which could not strike its master? Something like that? A pond of weakness isn’t really up to the standard of the rest of your writing. It just seems like you didn’t have an idea that was better. Or you could say that the weapons were outdated. Also, the whole discussion they have about weapons is just there for the reader, you are telling rather than showing.

Our smiths here can do something with the metal that will make the flimsiness unnoticeable

Do something? It sounds like you don’t know yourself here.

You may lose control, and she may rebel.”

you say may twice in the same sentence, I think you would do well to reword this.

Okay, so that’s the end of my nitpicks. Can I just say, I am in awe. I don’t want to bring age into this, but seriously, 13 years old and you’re producing this? You’re incredible. Your writing far surpasses most adults, you should be very proud! Your effortless style is so refreshing, and it’s well thought out, and the world you have created is so vivid!

Things you should work on are remembering to start new lines for new speakers. I can’t think what else was wrong with it. Although, why didn’t she put up more of a fight against the Vampyre?

My main problem with this piece was the pond of weakness bit. Your standard is so high, when it slips slightly, as it did there, we can really tell.

There wasn’t much character development in this chapter, however the pace was good. The mood was fantastic, for the most part. Your description was wonderful, you’re so eloquent!

One more thing I will pick you up on, was why she didn’t puzzle upon her rescuer more. I would have thought she’d be at least a little curious here? Also, is the Count only interested in Belle for her beauty? Or is it for political reasons as well? I think you should think about this, as it would be a bold political statement going into war if she was made the big bad vampire’s bride. You should probably add this as well. He would have his pick of all the lovely women in his own country, so why her? Why not just kill her? That is if he is attracted to her.

Yet another enthralling piece Crocks, thank you for posting, and please let me know when you post more! Thank you for your time!

~ Roon

User avatar
night owl
Review

Great job again! You have a really good descriptive flair. Comparing the lake to silk is one example. You might want to, in places, substitute commas for periods and vice versa, but I'll leave that for you to decide. Here are a few specific things that I noticed.

You are probably confused now. You are probably thinking, ‘How can she be dead if she wrote this?’ Well, if you’ll have a little patience I’ll tell you.

This seems unnecessary. The story would flow well without this little add in. Also, I can't remember if you broke the fourth wall in chapter one, but I don't think you did. If you didn't you probably shouldn't address the reader in chapter two either. It's not very consistent.

He stepped in between the horses, which I thought was rather dumb, and grabbed the bar that the horses were tied to.

Considering that this part of the book takes place seven hundred years ago, I highly doubt that a princess would've used the word dumb. Try replacing it with something more traditional such as foolish. It makes your story more convincing.

The courtyard had three doors. There was one door on both sides, and one door straight across. The two on either side were of normal height, width and look, but the main door was amazing.

This is a bit confusing. Saying there was one door on both sides doesn't make much sense. Say, "There was a door on each side," instead. What do you mean when you say, "one door straight across?" Height and width are good descriptions, but I don't think look is a good word to use there.

I regained control of myself difficultly.

Difficultly isn't the greatest adverb. Instead, maybe you could say, "I regained control of myself with difficulty."

Our smiths here can do something with the metal that will make the flimsiness unnoticeable, until used against our own weapons.

Saying something with the metal sounds a little vague and out of period for seven hundred years in the past. Maybe tweak it a bit so it sounds a bit more in-character for the speaker.

Keep going. I want to know more.



The best speculative fiction peels your mind and shows you the familiar from a direction you have not looked in before
— Neil Gaiman