Hey, this is the first time I've showed anybody my stories other than my friends. I haven't got a name for it yet. I shortened it as someone recommended, so now it should be a readable length.
Chapter 1
Morcant and Erik
Morcant hurried through the woods, keeping his eyes on his prey. It ran some ten yards ahead of him, its paws thumping on the ground and its tail wagging in the air. Time went on. Past countless trees they ran, neither gaining nor reducing distance between them. Then Morcant suddenly sped up. He tackled it, knocking it to the ground. They wrestled for a moment, and then Morcant began to laugh. The thing that he had tackled began to laugh too.It sounded like a cross between human laughter, and the purr of a cat. “Excellent chase my brother,” Morcant said with another laugh.
The creature he had tackled purred again. Then it's features began to tremble, faster and faster until it looked like a blur. A moment later the blur ceased and creature was a young boy of around twelve. He had long tangled blonde hair that reached down to his shoulders and hung over his green eyes. His face seemed to always be on the verge of smiling. He grinned at Morcant, and he rolled off of him. “Yes, excellent, good maneuvers, good sense of direction, and good reflexes.” He said as he stood. The boy grinned wider, more out of pride than anything else. Morcant looked at the sky; the sun was out of sight. “We’d better head home.” He said. The boy nodded. “Good idea, if we’re gone too long Father and Mother will worry.” The boy clambered to his feet. “Want to race?” he asked. Morcant smiled. “What do you think?” he asked. The boy smiled and began changing. A few seconds later a panther was standing there. It stretched and yawned. Morcant shut his eyes and concentrated. He felt himself changing shape. He waited for it to stop and opened his eyes. He was now a timber wolf. He howled and began to run, his brother right behind him.
They ran for around twenty-five minutes and reached a cottage. Morcant transformed back into his human form and hurried to the door. He touched it. “I win!” he called. His brother was a few feet behind him. “Aww man, no fair, you’re faster at changing than I am.” He said. Morcant smiled and opened the door to their house. “Mother, Father! We’re home!” he walked into their front room. Their front room was small, only about ten feet square, with a small table in the center. There were five chairs around the table. There was a stove in another corner of the room. The stove had a pot on it that was simmering. Morcant sat in one chair, his brother in another. “Mother, Father!” he called. “One minute sweetie!” said a voice from another room. A moment later a woman entered the room. She was of medium height, her hair was blonde with streaks of gray, and she had brown eyes that seemed to look into your soul. “Did you and Erik have fun in the forest honey?” she asked. Morcant nodded. “Erik is doing very well, I’m impressed.” Erik smiled. “Good, dinner will be ready in a few minutes.” Then she walked over to the stove, grabbed a wooden spoon, and began to stir something in a pot. Then someone else entered the small kitchen. The new arrival was very tall, with long black hair and green eyes. He grinned. “Hey Morcant, Erik, how did training go?” he asked. “It went great father, he did very well. If he keeps this up he’ll be even better than you are!” replied Morcant. His father smiled. “Good, good! Where’s your sister?” Morcant shrugged. “Lindsay!” he called. “Coming!” said a voice. A moment later a young woman of about fourteen entered the room. She was of medium height like her mother. She had piercing blue eyes and red hair. That was the strange thing about Lindsay, as none of her parents, grandparents, or even great grandparents had red hair. “Hey guys, how was training?” Morcant smiled. “Great, if Erik keeps this up he’ll be even better than Dad!” Lindsay looked genuinely impressed. “Good, it’s time someone other than dad was successful in their talent.” Erik smiled. “Are you just going to sit there or do you want dinner?” asked their Mother.
About a half an hour later the family was still sitting at the table. The dishes had been cleared away and washed. Then their Father stood. “I think I’ll turn in.” he said. “Jarek, you don’t need to go to sleep yet!” said Mother. “Rhea, I have a long day tomorrow, I need some rest.” Jarek replied. Rhea didn’t look too happy, but she followed him out of the room. Morcant smiled at Erik and Lindsay, and they burst out laughing. “Oh man, I hope they didn’t hear that.” Lindsay said. Morcant laughed again. About an hour later they decided it was time for bed. Erik yawned. “I think I’ll go to bed now, can we train again tomorrow Morcant?” Morcant grinned. “First thing after breakfast.” Erik smiled and left the room, Morcant and Lindsay right behind him. The room they entered was rather empty, with three beds next to the walls. The only other piece of furniture in the room was a dresser with three drawers, one drawer for each child. Morcant went to the bed on the far left, Erik to the middle bed, and Lindsay to the bed on the right. Morcant was asleep before his head hit the pillow.
When Morcant woke he smelled food. He hurriedly got up and got dressed. He half-ran to the table, where the rest of his family was eating porridge. He hurried to the empty seat and filled a bowl.
“You took long enough!” said Erik, laughing. “Hey, if you had spent all day yesterday training your younger brother who was probably destined to be the greatest morpher of all time you’d be tired too!” retorted Morcant with a smile. Erik grinned. Then their Dad stood. “Today is a special day.” He said. Morcant was puzzled. What does he mean a special day? It is no more special then yesterday! He thought. “Today is Morcants sixteenth birthday.” His father announced. Morcant jumped. He had forgotten! “And as we all know, sixteen is the age when a man becomes an adult.” Erik stared at Morcant. Morcant stared back. “Happy birthday Morcant.” Said his father, and handed him a package. Morcant took it and looked at it. It was rather small, only about four inches square. It was wrapped in brown paper. He tore the paper off and opened the box. Inside were a handful of coins and a ring. “Thank you father.” He said. His father smiled. “Oh yes, one more thing.” He said. He left the room. Erik looked questioningly at Morcant. Morcant shrugged. A few moments later he came back, holding a long box in his hands. He wordlessly handed it to Morcant. He opened the box. Inside was an intricately carved bow, and by the look of it, it was made of yew. There was also a quiver in the box. He took it out. Inside were twenty arrows, made with swan feathers and tipped with obsidian. He looked at the bow more closely. The carvings depicted an epic fight between a knight and a dragon. The fight went all down the length of the bow, ending with the knight standing victorious over the dragons’ corpse.
Carved into the bottom of the bow were the following words; for Morcant, eldest son of Jarek, and teacher of Erik, possibly the greatest morpher of all time. Morcant stared at the bow. “Thank you father, this is a most wonderful gift.” He said. His father smiled and said nothing. He held the bow in his left hand; it fit perfectly, like it was made for him. (Which of course, it was) Then Erik stood. “Morcant, come on, it’s time to train.” Jarek glared at Erik. “Morcant will not train you today, it is his birthday.” He said. Erik looked very put-out. “Now father, what if I want to train him? Will you prevent me?” asked Morcant. This question took his father by surprise. “No, but I assumed that you would not wish to-“
“Well I do.” Interrupted Morcant. “We will be back by lunchtime.” He said.
He stood and left the room, followed by Erik. They hurried to the cover of the trees. “Erik, I’m only going to train you until lunch today, ok? Father was right, it is my birthday.” Erik nodded. “Good, what do you want to learn today?” he asked. Erik thought for a moment. “I want to learn how to fight on close quarters, in animal form and human.” He said. Morcant smiled at Erik. “Good choice, we’ll start with human form shall we?” Erik nodded and took up a defensive stance. For the next three hours Morcant and Erik sparred with fists, swords, daggers, and staves. They fell, panting to the ground.
“Excellent Erik, no human man could match you in combat.” Said Morcant. Erik grinned. “Now let’s try in-form, shall we?” Erik nodded and morphed, Morcant morphed as well, two seconds behind, but he still finished first. Then Erik attacked. Morcant, taken by surprise, was knocked backwards. He snarled and leapt at Erik. Another two hours later they were finished. Morcant morphed back, more slowly this time because he was tired. “Good Erik, today is a momentous day for you as well as me.” He said when he had finished. Erik looked puzzled. “What do you mean?” he asked. Morcant looked at him. “Today is the day that you surpassed me in skill, speed, and control.” Erik stared at him. “You mean-“ “Yes, I mean that you are now second in skill only to father.” Erik stared at him. Then he stood and cheered.
Morcant looked into the sky. The sun was directly overhead. “We’d better head back, lunchtime.” He announced.
As they walked back to the cottage, Erik wondered what would happen to him now. Everyone knew that once the pupil surpassed the teacher they would be sent off into the world to learn what they could.
He decided that he would go north to the city of Golni. Where he would go from there he didn’t know.
When Morcant had gone on his journey he had come back six months later, saying that there was nowhere that he wanted to be but home. His family had taken him back with open arms.
Morcant and Erik reached the cottage without delay and were soon sitting at the table eating rolls and butter. “Mother, Father, I have something important to tell you.” Said Morcant. His father looked up. His mother simply looked curious. “Erik has surpassed me in every way except morphing speed, and that he makes up for by lightning reflexes.” His father looked shocked. “You mean, it is time?” he managed to say. Morcant nodded. “Well then Erik, you must leave by sunrise tomorrow, as is tradition.” Erik was rather put out.
He had been hoping to be able to wait at least a week. “But father-“ “No buts!” his father said rather forcefully. “You will leave by sunrise tomorrow, and if you are not gone I shall see you as a beggar and not my son!” Erik looked at him. “Fine, if you want me gone, I shall leave. But I shall not come back.” then he stood and went into the bedroom, where he began packing what belongings he had. He was fuming with rage. Then Morcant came into the room. “Erik…” he said. Erik didn’t turn. He heard a sigh and heard the door close. “Erik, you know father loves you.” Erik still didn’t turn. Another sigh. “Erik, don’t be angry with him, he is doing the same thing to you that he did to me. I know how you feel, and I understand how angry you are. You are very young, much younger than I was when I sent off, and I feel bad for you. And that is why I am giving you this.” Erik turned. Morcant was standing in front of the door, with a crystal in his hand. He handed it to Erik. He took it warily. It was about the size of his palm, with white lines criss-crossing it. Of its color Erik couldn’t be sure, as it kept changing. “What does it do?” he asked. Morcant smiled. “If you hold it up in the dark it will illuminate everything within fifty-feet of you. If you throw it into water and take it out, it will have become clear, and you will be able to see what you wish to see. If you throw it far enough and hard enough, it will explode, leaving nothing left of what it hit. And if you boil it in water, the water will become a potion that doesn’t taste too good, but will make you impervious to most attacks for a certain amount of time depending on how much you drank. But it takes quite a bit of energy, and can only be used ten times before it melts into a pool of water.” Erik gaped at him, then at the crystal. “Thank you.” He managed to say. Morcant smiled again. “No problem little brother. Good luck.” And with that, he left. Erik stared at the crystal a moment more, and put it in his breast pocket. He then turned back to packing his bag.
As Morcant walked outside, he heard his parents arguing in their room. He stopped and went to the door and listened. He felt terrible doing it, but he felt that this argument he wouldn’t want to miss. “He is twelve years old Jarek! He is too young to go off on his own!” “He must, you know tradition!” “Who cares about tradition? He is twelve, he is too young! What if he dies? Will you even care? Or will you just ignore it completely and pretend he never existed? I won’t have this Jarek!” Morcant felt that he had heard enough, but he didn’t move. “He is strong, he will survive.” “no he won't, he will die, and it will be all because of you! Do you even care about your son? If he leaves he won't come back! Even if he doesn't die he won't! And it will be all because you had to be so hard on him! He is twelve years old!”
“He has a good head on his shoulders, he will be fine.” Then Morcant heard the door slam. He turned and saw the door quivering. He hurried to the bedroom. No Erik. His bag was gone, as were his blankets. He sank onto his bed, his emotions battering his insides. He really left. He realized. Then his Mother ran in. “Erik! Erik!” she cried. Then she saw the empty bed. She sank to her knees, sobbing. “He left! Oh Jarek he left! Without a word to us! Oh Erik!” and she began sobbing even more. Jarek hurried in and looked around, taking in the empty bed and his wife and son. He stood there for a moment, and walked out. But Morcant thought he saw a glistening tear run down his fathers face before he left. Erik left, and I am alone except for Lindsay. Why did father have to shout at him like that? Then he felt the tears coming. He tried to hold them back, but despite his best efforts, they began to flow down his cheeks like little waterfalls. He and his mother sat in the bedroom, mourning the loss of Erik.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Sorry, i'm stalking you. No, i just wanted to see what you wrote and here it is
I know pretty much everybody that commented said that it was too rushed. This is probably like a way old story that you have stopped writing by now but i hope not. The battle and action are what really draw me into books, so describe the fighting more and it will be more interesting.
This first sentence confused me. Because it seemed like the main character would be Morcant. But later it seems likes its not going to be, so there's that.
The overall writing was good, but with extra description it could be awesome. It seems like you stopped to describe things like the house and the parents which probably wont matter further in the story. Describe things that make it more intense and fun.
Overall good job.
Hellooooo GSP!
)
You have the honor of receiving my 800th review-- except, I'm not so sure if that's an honor. Anyway, I do kind of hate to drag up an old post, but let's get to work.
(And, if it's okay, I'll do a sort of over all-- if you'd like me to come back and nitpick at everything I find that stood out, I'd be more than willing to.
• Storytelling: You have it.
- Generally, you'll find that people complain a lot when a story tells more than it shows. Personally, I don't mind either, unless you're throwing us an info dump that's super-duper gluey. But, here, you have a slight bit of "telling" that kind of sticks out to me.
It's not like you're throwing info-dumps around, but you kind of go back to stress points and make others unclear. [Eek, confusing sentence, June!] Here's what I mean:
[So, basically, pay attention to what I bolded here]
See, you use "its" a lot in this passage-- that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it easily becomes confusing.
Take a look at where I underlined trees-- this sentence changes the subject. Before this sentence, the "it" is Morcant's brother, but after this sentence, it's not especially clear if we're gaining distance between tree's or these two brothers engaged in a chase, dear.
Avoid using words such as its and and then as much as possible-- these are sort of filler words that don't necessarily contribute much to the picture; they become annoying after having them repeated so much, and flatten your story.
Use pronouns instead! Describe this thing-- let's say Morcant was chasing a fuzzy brown triangle [don't ask, it just... came to my mind!]. Use that description for variation-- instead of "its paws hitting the ground," vary it to something like "the triangle's paws hitting the ground".
• Paragraphs: How long is too long?
- You have long paragraphs here! For instance, your first one is this:
Whereas it could easily be this, for a clearer, easier read on our eyes:
Thin your paragraphs out! When presented with a large paragraph, our first instinctive response is usually, "Whoa, lots of words!" Don't spoil us, dear. Give us little-by-little.
- Also! Dialogue works excellently when placed on individual lines, dear. See here:
For easier reading could/should be:
Remember, spacing is good-- makes a paragraph much easier on our eyes.
• And, lastly, your plot --
Good. I like how you have an interesting idea here that you can easily work with. This allows for much growing, very little restriction in this. Go places with this-- I'd like to read more.
I'm not terribly wild for the plot. It's good, it's decent, but it's fantasy-- and I'm not a giant fantasy fan. It's good, yes, and I will read it, but it's the type of story that has to be written well to keep my interest in this.
Needless to say, an adventure will definitely spice this story up. However, don't make it too dramatic, because realism is still important in fantasy.
I did think that this was an itty-bit fast paced. You should slow this down a bit, flesh out the events a little and build up, dear. You've got a good base here; you should build on it.
Good luck writing. Hope that helped some!
June
Hi,Morgan.
It's incredible that I read this today but it was today that I found it. You are a writer and I'm a junior so,these are just some of the things I can say.
Frist: I love how your story flows, it kept me interested on it.
Second: as many had said it's quite rushed, but I still like it. I'm a werewolf fan lol.
Third: the descriptions are really good, it made me see myself in the story.
So you had probably reviewed this like like four millions times already, but I'm quite new in here and it was til today that I found it.I really liked it. I'll continues reading the other ones when I have more time
Nice writing
Pudin (Muff)
Thanks Shina, I did what you suggested.
Hey Gsp ^^ Shina here as requested
The punctuation should be:
"Past countless trees, they ran, neither gaining nor reducing distance between them".
*any is kind of implied.
Can you really put on a burst of speed? Rewording needed ^^
This part is a bit choppy. It doesn't flow.
Should be hung over his green eyes.
Narrators never use parentheses. And also, why do you need to mention that Lindsay loves to fence right then and there? You could always mention it before she actually fences where it's necessary. Only include what's revelant to the story
You don't use caps in a story
"So" is informal for 3rd person POV when used in the beginning of a sentence. Just scratch it.
Overall:
Like everyone else said, this is a bit rushed, it's choppy. It sounds like a really good idea, and I'm not usually a fan of werewolves, but you're moving so fast that you don't let the reader settle in one place. It's like a story on fast-forward.
Just slow down, establish the conflict, let your characters' personalites sink in, use some imagery, and start new lines whenever there's a line of dialogue
Also remember to keep your characters consistent. Give them a few traits and stick to them. Characters are always reliable ^^
-Shina
Ooh. This was very interesting.
I can tell this is going to be something I'll want to keep up with.
However, I do have a few nitpicks.
Since this is referring to one of the boys, the word 'it' shouldn't be used. The gender is distinguished, so I would stick with the word 'he'.
I think a semi-colon should replace the comma. It just seems like it would be better to place there. *shrugs*
This just seems a bit out of character... It feels forced and doesn't seem like something a mother would yell at her husband. I'd fix this a bit and give it more of a argumentive feel.
Smiles!
~Mira
P.S. I hope I wasn't too harsh...
Hey gsp!
So, a couple of technicalities to clear up first of all:
Dialogue Grammar!
“Excellent chase my brother.” Morcant said with another laugh. This is incorrect dialogue punctuation; because there's a tag (Morcant said) the period after brother should be a comma. “Excellent chase my brother,” Morcant said with another laugh.
If you had followed it with another action - “Excellent chase my brother.” Morcant laughed again. - then the period is correct. ^__^
Also, you have some chunks of dialogue that are all smushed together into one big paragraph. I think someone else mentioned this: you have to start a new paragraph each time someone new starts speaking. That'll make it a lot easier to read (and it's a grammar rule -_-U).
Confusion =/= Good
Nice little flashback - though I'd like it a little more expanded - but the second sentence here, I thought that was still in the flashback, so I'd start a new paragraph and replace 'they' with 'Morcant and Erik'.
Too Fast
Yeah, I agree with the above reviewers - this feels wayyyyy too rushed. It's an awesome idea, I really love it, but it feels like you've tried to cram four chapters worth of plot into one. I think that this first chapter should be a lot more introductory; tell us (well, show us) about the form-changing (it's not exactly normal for our world!) and let the reader get to know the characters. Basically, slow it down.
I'd also like to see more of Morcant's thoughts; pretty much the whole chapter is action, and it is good, interesting, plotty action but it needs some thoughts and emotion so that readers can get to know the main character better - it's from Morcan't point of view, so we should be in his head, if that makes sense. It's also good if there's a mix of thoughts and action, otherwise the story gets a little tiring.
FIN
Again - I love the plot, and I think I'd love the characters as well if I knew them better, but right now I don't feel connected enough to really care. And fix the dialogue, please. ^__^
Good job!
-Mars
I have to agree, great story but very rushed. I quote Treebeard "Don't be hasty".
Also, please start a new paragraph when someone is talking! It made it extremely hard to read when everything was so bunched up. Besides that there were just a few times where your word choice was a bit, um, questionable. But all-in-all it's the makings of a great piece of work, and I wish you luck on it!
Tha thu gu math. Beannach leibh an-drasta, tapadh leibh!
LordLoredaen
Hey, awesome story. My only problem is that it is a bit rushed. I heard once that if its boring to you its boring to the reader. Try and spice up the training a bit more and add more detail. If you aren't very good at battle scenes then this is perfectly understandable.
Also is the main character going to be twelve all through out the book? If so then make sure you dont make him look like a super-twelve-year-old.
All-over very good story.
will be watching
Hey it was great i loved it i started reading it and could not stop! I suggestion might be is to shorten it up some more but other than that i loved it and hope you right more soon!
Thank you, I'll edit that now.
Hey!
Welcome to YWS!
I'm sorry, I only have time for a quick review so I'm just going to pick out a few points.
Okay, this is very long. Perhaps you could split up the chapters and post them separately? It would make it less daunting to those commenting, and you'd probably get far more extensive reviews. Like A story that I am writing that currently has no name. - Chapter One.
Right, paragraphing. I noticed you've started new paragraphs with stuff that would be better off not separated.
It would run far more smoothy if you kept them all together. E.g. "Morcant hurried through the woods, keeping his eyes on his prey.
It ran some ten yards ahead of him, its paws thumping on the ground and its tail wagging in the air. Time went on. Past countless trees they ran, neither gaining nor reducing any distance between them. Then Morcant put on a sudden burst of speed and caught up."
I think 'and' would make it flow better.
I don't think you need that. It breaks it up too much. You could have added it to the first sentence. Like "The thing that he had tackled began to laugh too, although it sounded more like a purr." Just an example, even if it's a rubbish one
When someone different speaks you start a new paragraph.
Something I used to do before someone from here point it out
Wow. I want one.
Again, new paragraphs when different people are speaking.
"Name?"
"Erik."
"Reason of visit?"
"I'm looking for a job."
The guard nodded and pulled his spear back.
Half off? Half price would be less confusing.
Right, okay, so much for my quick reply, huh?
Plot: great, although I don't really know what will happen next. What will happen next? Great ideas. ^^
Apart from these few small errors, and the ones I've probably missed, you did an amazing job! Seriously, when I read through my first stories I either have to laugh at them or cry. A few improvements and you'll be wonderful.
Please keep writing!
~ EmmaJane ~