Author's notes: This is just a rough draft of an idea I had and I am wanting input. This is based on a true story of my best friend and me. The idea is me years from now recording this story for future generations in memorium of her after she has died. So this story is to outline our lives and our friendship. The early chapters are obviously going to have less detail because the events were years ago. I usually do not write stories so any suggestions concerning style and presentation would be greatly appreciated. I only have the first chapter so far, and hope to use your suggestions in future chapters. Oh, and tell me thoughts on the title? Thanks!
My name is Jessie. The year is 2096, and I am writing this in memorium of my dearest friend, Tana. I am writing this so future generations know that friendship that literally lasts a lifetime isn't impossible, and to inspire them to build eternal friendships of their own.
Our story started ninety years ago-- we were only eight years old. We met in Sunday school; she was new and painfully shy. I didn't like for anyone to be alone, so I asked her if she would like to sit with my friends and me. She did. For me, I had done this with every other new girl that had ever walked into my classroom. Usually, over a period of several weeks, they would find a group of friends that better suited their style. But she didn't. She was right beside me every week. I thank God she was always there.
But, the event that really brought us together didn't happen until we were around twelve. One of our so-called friends, I believe her name was Macy. She was one of those girls that just appears one day and everyone just loves her, for some reason. She was very sweet, and quickly became one of our close friends. Now, there was this guy Tana liked, and after this big, dramatic hooplah, Macy ended up dating him. Being young, passionate, loyal, and incredibly naive, we were furious! It never occurred to us that this young man had a mind of his own and was capable of deciding who he was going to date. We tried to work it out with her, tried to understand. But then, she began to talk smack to each of us about the other. She tried to separate us, by lying and backstabbing. Trying to split us apart really just had the opposite effect. We became so much closer during that time. We learned, became more wise and cautious. We pulled together when times got tough. We had each other's back.
Anyways, it was really rough. We lost all of our friends. Everyone deals with difficult situations differently. Tana rants and raves and gets it all out. She's very open; she lays everything out on the table. I am more closed, and don't show emotion easily. I might rant a little, but I stew more inwardly. I let everything build up until I eventually explode. Between losing all of my friends, the death of my baby brother, my dad being gone for work a lot, and some other things, I fell into the trap of depression. Depression is a dangerous thing. It just sneaks up on you. And I never would have admitted it to anyone. I was "just fine", just like I always am. There was absolutely nothing Tana could do. She noticed though, when not even my parents did. She tried to help, but this was something I had to do for myself. She was always really good about always being there for me, yet giving me the space I needed to cope. She was always there for me.
Just like everything, the depression was just a stage. It lasted three long years. And it was all my fault. I let bitterness and unforgiveness build up inside and poison my soul. I was literally dying inside. The Lord sent a wonderful woman into my life-- Jenn. I was in her office one day, helping her with some paperwork. She asked me how I was, and I just started to ball like a baby. She held me, and told me I didn't always have to be so strong. I had become the rock for my family. And that wasn't my responsibility. That day, the healing process started. Tana and I were able to finish the process of forgiving Macy. And that lifted a huge burden off of us. We were able to smile when we saw her again. And genuinely say that we held nothing against her.
Then, we were able to start making new friends and rebuild our social lives. It was so exciting. Then we started a new chapter in our lives. All because we forgave. And were able, together, to move past the heartache we had experienced. The rejection, the shunning-- it didn't matter anymore. Because we were now secure in who we were and not who we knew.
Notes: So obviously it is to be continued. Grammar is not perfect, I know. Am really just trying to focus on style. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey guys check out the memory box for the revised version!!!
HELLO I AM MEMORYHUNTER HERE TO REVIEW YOUR NOVEL CHAPTER THINGY!
First of all, the theme is great. I always admire stories about friendship because I can probably relate. Friendship is really something special, even if you are a loner.
The first part is not as exciting or amazing as I thought it was. The "the year is 2096" got to me but the other words just didn't. I don't know. Maybe because it was all too cliche? I mean, I view friendship as something cliche but also something unique, because not all relationships are the same. What makes yours with Tana unique and not like any other long lasting friendship there is?
So we get to see the actions that have led up to the present, but there is no hype. It's just straight to the point. Writing is storytelling, yes, but it's built on another level. You see, speaking/storytelling in real life is an advantage because your pace, the way you talk, affects the way your listeners feel. However, in writing, you don't talk. In order to bring that special 'oomph' or that drive into the readers, you have to give them strong words. Intense ones. Not just plain storytelling, like this happened, and then that. Go deeper into the story. Yes it happened, but how? What are the in-depth details?
I feel like you need to improve your voice more. Try reading books and stories to enhance your writing skill. I feel that you can do it if you just push yourself more. This is just the beginning, please don't get discouraged from what I said. We all went through a lot before writing nice, not perfect, nice works. So continue writing, because I have a feeling that everything will work out if you just push ^-^
Another tip: try looking into things at a different perspective. Try going through the less-walked on path. For example, if you were to make a story about love, don't just talk about how it's sweet or it's beautiful but hurts like a rose --- try talking about, say, how weird it is and how weird he is but you can't resist but being weird together or something.
OKAY GOT TO GO MY BRO IS GETTING MAAAAAD
AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING~
Hello!
BookWolf here to review your story. Before I begin I just want to say that everything in here is purely my opinion and nothing I say is meant to sound harsh or rude. Ultimately, it's up to you, the author to decide what your story is and how it comes across. If I offend you in any way, I am deeply sorry, that was not my intention.
I'm always the one to fall for stories about friendship and internal hardships, and I think this one nails it. I really, really loved the way you wrote this. I feel as though if you had written it in a traditional sense, like by fleshing everything out and basically writing it as a story you could pick up off the shelves of a library, then it would have taken away the sort of magic I felt coming from this piece. Anyway, here are some critiques:
Sorry if any of this sounded harsh, this really was an adorable story.... and sorry if you don't appreciate this story being called adorable. xD I thought it was, and I'd really love to read on whenever you decide to expand. Beautiful job. 
This was a SUPER cute story.
"I am writing this so future generations know that friendship that literally lasts a lifetime isn't impossible, and to inspire them to build eternal friendships of their own." Okay, so, I had to reread this sentence several times before I understood what you were trying to say. Maybe part of that's because it's 3 in the morning, but either way, this still reads somewhat off. First of all, there should be a 's' at the end of the first 'friendship'. Secondly, the 's' in 'lasts' is unnecessary. And lastly, this whole sentence, especially the end, is extremely cheesy. Now don't get me wrong, I like, and can tolerate, a good bit of cheese, but this sounds like something out of an awful, cringey TV series about teenagers that have "hip" parties throughout the week and kickbutt on the weekend, all while supporting friendship and strong bonds.
Please, please don't take this the wrong way and get angry because this doesn't have anything to do with your story, obviously. I'm just telling you my first impression of your first paragraph, which is critical to your story. You'll probably want a second opinion on this whole matter, but if you are willing to take my word for it, then I suggest you change something. First impressions are very important and if your reader immediately thinks of something along the lines of what I just described, then they'll probably be turned off and more likely to just move on to something else. Anyway, what I'm trying to say and I'm just going to say it is, I honestly have no idea how it should be changed, but I've brought the problem to your attention, and now as the author, it's your turn. I think you should still keep the basic concept of what you're trying to say because it represents what your story is about, but just reword it so it sounds professional but also sweet and, well, how ever you want it to sound.
MOVING ON. (gosh that took forever. I hate how I just come up with a bazillion things to say about one tiny sentence :/ )
"Anyways, it was really rough." I feel just this contradicts what you had just said in the previous paragraph. After finishing the paragraph before this one, I had the feeling that everything was fine. You had each other's back, you were doing good, it was hard, but not that hard when you did it together. But then in the next paragraph you put that, followed by "We lost all of our friends." To me, that just makes everything feel dire and in chaos. Do you see the dilemma here? At first it's all good now it's bad; to switch between the two is extremely jolting and, for me, causes pause. You probably weren't intending this, your intention only being to show your reader that you and Tana had pulled together through this really tough time, but I feel like you did it incorrectly. You can't just show us how well they have each other's backs, then tell us it was really rough. (I'm not sure if I'm portraying what I'm trying to say into words right now) That's a contradiction, and a contradiction in a story is one of the biggest mistakes. My only suggestion in that you find someway to merge the two. Now, don't just go combine those two paragraphs for an "easy fix", that would be very bad. What you need to do is find some way to tell your reader that you and Tana are working together, but also, at the same time, that the situation is critical. MERGE the two, like in the same paragraph, maybe even sentence. To be totally honest with you, everything was fine until you said, "Anyways, it was really rough." Again, you're the author, you know what's best for your book, you know how it should come across. Do what you want with this information.
(why are my paragraphs so LONG. ALWAYS.)
Well, that's all of my critiques.
If you have any questions about anything I've mentioned above, please feel free to ask. Or, if you feel like I've wrongly accused you of something and you are offended, feel free to type up a whole long message and defend your story. Either way, good luck on future writing!
-BookWolf