Aubrey unlocked her front door and tossed her keys on the table. She walked down the hall that had been filled with family photos, glancing at the stack of frames at the end which held only the pictures that contained her dad—no, the man who used to be her dad. She turned left into her room, always impeccably clean. Setting her backpack on the thick, padded chair in the corner, she walked over to the window and pushed aside the floor-length burlap curtains. She stared blankly out the window for a moment and rested her forehead against the cool glass. In the yard stood the stately Sugar Maple, turning the colors of fall. In one of its branches swayed the tire swing she and Dad had made years ago. “Why did he leave?” she wondered again. Turning from the window, she strode to the closet, snatched a hanger, and neatly hung the shirt her mom had left folded on the bed. “So we're not good enough for you anymore?” she muttered. “You never deserved us anyway.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello, Groganbabygirl.
I don't know if this is real, but it was indeed emotional. I could feel your writing flowing, which is how a story is suppose to be. Your a great story writer, because you aren't only emotionally complete in your story, but your also detailed. I liked the:
"Setting her backpack on the thick, padded chair in the corner, she walked over to the window and pushed aside the floor-length burlap curtains."
It not only caught my eye, but it made me smile. Keep up the good work, and try making poetry...that seems like a talent for you.
I have some poetry on this site. Check it out and tell me what you think.
Ok. You do the same with my story!
Okay, before I head into things: Is Aubrey's dad dead or missing? I mean, it should've been obvious from the title and how she speaks of him, but I have a dead mom and I've felt this way towards my mother as well. Maybe get Aubrey to be genuinely angry and bitter at her father so we can tell the difference. But that's based off anecdotal evidence, so onto the review!
Firstly, the compliments:
While being short, it did explain a lot of things in this teenagers' life, and the reader can easily imagine her life in little snapshots. It also avoids painting the father in a cruel light, instead taking the realistic, bittersweet route, which is always good. Favorite line so far--"“So we're not good enough for you anymore?” she muttered. “You never deserved us anyway.”".
Now, the assault:
I second cC. Unfortunately, this was not an internal monologue.
However, if you're looking for judgment based off of what score you could get, I'm afraid I'm not here for that. I'm here for the sole sake of writing quality, and overall, this could use work. I admit it would do much better as a monologue, considering the conflict here is personal and stream-of-conscious writing would fit perfectly. The main problem here is that the main problem (haha, get it? okay, no, shut up ellmist) is in the past and is causing wounds in the present. Since we didn't experience the past, you have to show us the brutality of the present wounds, you have to show us that Aubrey is in pain. And honestly, I didn't quite feel that. Maybe there was too much description of where she is when the main battle is in her head, maybe it was because Aubrey switched back and forth from calling him The Man Who Used To Be My Dad to My Dad, I don't know. Personally, if you want my opinion, go for the inner monologue. Much better execution, much better chance of showing off struggle.
Good luck.
Like I said, fiction is not my strong point. I especially suck at dialogue. The way this assignment was presented, I got the impression that a characters thoughts can be read by their actions with minimum dialogue necessary. Is that incorrect? Thanks for the review btw.
Eh, fiction isn't anybody's strong point--some people just translate emotions better than others, somehow. Art's always subjective. And though I haven't read most of your works, I wouldn't say your dialogue sucks--though if you're uncomfortable with it, again, inner monologue. No dialogue, just...thoughts. Fun, introspective universe examining, available whether you're in the train, in a field star-gazing or enjoying a cup of tea. That might be your strong point, you should try it out.
This isn't a monologue, internal or external.
Sometimes, you just don't question what an instructor says.
Greetings groganbabygirl! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
You used description really well. You described the littlest of things and made a strong impact with that. Your use of words was very clean and different than what I usually read.
'“Why did he leave?” she wondered again.'
This should probably be on a new paragraph (along with what comes next on another one), But thoughts can be a bit iffy, so it's up to you to take my advise on this one.
I'm also concerned on the 'again' part. You've never stated this earlier in the text, so 'again' shouldn't work. Of course, you're probably implying that she's already thought that outside of your story, but it can still seem like what I have mentioned at first glance.
'“So we're not good enough for you anymore?” she muttered. “You never deserved us anyway.”'
Now I'm 100% sure that this should be on a new paragraph.
Other than that, I see nothing else wrong with it.
I have to admit that you've written this really well. Keep it up!
~Holographic Ladybug