Blinking lights with darkness clash,
On the lawn, I watch them flash.
Flashes of fire, begin to appear,
For their first appearance of the year.
Flat on my back, I observe their dance;
I cannot believe these evolved by chance.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello, groganbabygirl, and welcome to YWS!
I enjoy the imagery you use in this poem. The ending is nice, too. While I don't believe necessarily in a higher power, it is difficult sometimes to believe that the beauty of nature was not guided by an otherworldly hand.
Today I'm going to mostly talk to you about meter. Meter is the rhythm of your poem, which is marked by stressed (louder) and unstressed (quieter) syllables. The meter of your first two lines is very natural, but the meter degrades in the rest of your poem.
Let's analyze the meter of your first two lines before we go any farther, shall we? In school, they talk a lot about iambic meters (like in Shakespeare). However, what you've got in your first two lines are actually the opposite, trochaic meter. While iambs are (U= unstressed, /= stressed) U/, trochees are /U. You have four sets of trochees in the first two lines, which means that you are beginning in trochaic tetrameter. This type of meter can also be found in "The Tyger," by William Blake.
When one starts off with such a distinctive meter, it follows that the rest of the poem should be in that meter, too. I think it would make this a much more cohesive piece if you would make the rest of the lines appear in the same meter. It's not that hard to convert it. For the third line, I would probably say, As for the following line, you can just take off the first two words and it will fit.
I'll leave you the puzzle of the last two lines to wrangle into shape. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Firefly, oh Firefly,
Once a ember in the sky,
Floating up, so very high,
Fire fly, oh fire fly.
Glowing lights, they shine so bright,
Fire fly, it uses flight,
Cooling down within the night,
Fire fly, oh fire fly.
Evolving within several days,
Take time to gain its glaze,
It's death is soon, oh what a shame,
If only it could not feel pain.
This is my poem to fire flies. Yours was awesome...try adding all emotion into it. ;3
Okay right. That was great. At the beginning of last summer I got to see the fireflies emerge out of the ground for their first show of the season. So there's just like little lights all over my massive yard and it was soooo magical. So that was where the inspiration for this piece came from.
I pretty much said through my poems, that fireflies come from actual fire, and when it cools down, the fireflies emerge from the ash pile.
First off welcome to YWS. I'm Dogsrule5, but feel free to call me Dogs. Secondly nice poem. I really like the imagery you used.
Here are some tips and ideas that will help you edit this work, if you want to, and help you with feature works as well. I'm not trying to be harsh, if I do sound like it. So don't take this the wrong way please
Okay so first.
You have a great rhyming scheme here, but if you replace the word lawn with grass, I think it would make these to lines flow better. No need to go change it, that's just a suggestion.
I would also try to make this poem longer, so you can get more details, because it seemed as if you could describe more of what this setting looks like. This can help the reader when you add more detail. No saying you absolutely need it, but it might help a little.
I can't wait to read more of your work!
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Hello, priceofwords here
Secondly, I love the imagery you've used in this poem, for it makes it very vivid and easy to read.
First of all, welcome to YWS
'Blinking lights with darkness clash,
On the lawn, I watch them flash'
I loved this rhyming couplet - a very nice start. However, perhaps using the word 'grass' instead of 'lawn' would create a more lasting effect - it almost rhymes with your couplet there. You don't have to implement it, it's just an idea.
If I could suggest anything else, I would maybe make the poem a bit longer? Your word choice, flow and rhyme scheme are excellent, but I just feel there is more of the fireflies that can be said.
A great start, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hi Grogan! I see you're quite new around here. Welcome to YWS!
From what I can see through this piece, I can say that you have potential; your lines flow very well, and you seem to be very precise and picky with grammar and punctuation. Those are very good things. However, I think there are ways to make your poem outstand more among others. I would recommend you not to overuse words such as "light", "dawn", "fire", "stars"... or any words that you would commonly find in other poems, because it doesn't allow your poem to come off as one that is different while still being good. In other words, I would like to encourage you to use other descriptions that are a little bit less used in famous pieces. Mostly, because that could attract the readers more.
That's my only suggestion
-GeeLyria