A fake
‘Would you lie for me?’
I never asked that question
Now I’m told you did anyway
But I never wanted to live a lie
Used, cast aside
I’m not sad
I’m just angry
At the lie I’ve become
Never forget what you forced me to be
I found out in the end
Your aim may have appeared true to you
But you still used me
Am I supposed to forget?
Cause I can’t forgive
I’m frozen in my place
Now I can’t find my heart
So for now I’m empty
Waiting for someone else to come
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140,619 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
Hey there!
As Snoink says, the main problem with this is the lack of images. You mention all these emotive phrases - "I'm not just sad / I'm angry" - but there's nothing to help the reader experience what the speaker is going through. Why was he/she sad? How and why did he/she become angry?
Think of situations, examples or concepts that you can project the speaker's feelings onto. In other words, try to show us their thoughts instead of telling them. Looking at the first stanza, for instance:
"A fake
‘Would you lie for me?’
I never asked that question
Now I’m told you did anyway
But I never wanted to live a lie"
I would rework it so it looked something like this:
"The fake landscape asks:
'Would you lie for me?'
Its call echoes across barren plains,
ripples through silent trees,
colours bodies with the deception."
By projecting the concept of deceit onto a striking metaphor, I'm engaging the audience in a much more intriguing, precise way than bland, dull statements like "I never wanted to live a lie." Develop your ideas and expand them: the key thing is, I’m not summing up anything for you: I’m SHOWING, not telling.
Hope this helps!
Gahks
Great! I almost want to see it longer. What was the lie and who lied for her?
Thanks
Haha, it's in the right forum. ^^
A fake
‘Would you lie for me?’
I never asked that question <--- These first three lines are really confusing. What do you really want to say?
And basically, that's the one thing that tries to suffocate your poem. Because you seem to want to put it in a poetic way, you are suffocating all of the poetry from it, if that makes any sense. Which it probably doesn't, lol. So be more specific! I think this would be tons better if you relate to exactly how you were used and such... a bit more painful to write, mind you, but... it would be definitely more poetic.
i know it would probably be better if i don't comment because i'm not much help....but this poem didn't strike any emotion for me. that's just my opinion though. but i do like how you started off the first two stanzas with a word and then expanded on it. but with a bit more practice you'll be good.
keep writing.
no reviews.. is it that bad?
looked at sticky and found out it probably shouldn't be in this category, sorry bout that
feel free to move it anyone who has that power