They were gods to me, sweat shimmering in the light, legs thrust apart, calloused fingers plucking and strumming at strings that were so close but so far away. Red lips moving enchantingly; swearing, promising, giving me hope that I could be whoever I wanted to be. "Speaking words of wisdom", alighting every thought I had about teachers, parents, politics, sex, war, love, the world and shoving it back into my hands with a desperate pleading voice crying "take this, this is yours". I didn't see my future, I heard it.
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Canary word: Present
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I really like the last line: "I didn't see my future, I heard it."
I don't know if you're interested in taking this further, but I think this could be expanded upon. The last line could stay for sure--as a last line, maybe, but it might end up moved to the middle of the story somewhere if you open this up enough.
Some things to expand on:
I understand that this sentence ends with "and shoving it back into my hands...crying 'take this, this is yours'." So I get that it makes sense to have this sentence just as it is, but at the same time...what thoughts? Yes, yes: thoughts about teachers, parents, politics, etc, but let's see some of those thoughts specifically. What does the narrator think of some of these things?
Similarly, "giving me hope that I could be whoever I wanted to be." Who is that? I'm not asking for one answer; I don't expect someone to know exactly who they want to be. But what are some of the possibilities? What are some of the things the narrator might want to be or do?
This could be stretched out until it feels like it lasts the length of a favorite song, a song that feels like it could last forever until it ends and turns to the next. Like I said, I don't know if you're actually interested in that. I don't know if you intended to get ideas for carrying this further or if you just wanted to see what people thought of exactly what's written here. But the last line is so striking that I'd love to see where else this could lead.
BlueAfrica
Thank you so much for your ideas. To be honest I wasn't really sure if it had the potential to become anything more but now that you have told me you think it does I will look into expanding on it. Thanks again
Hey there funkyeddie92. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Intro, intro, intro, intro. Sounds a lot like physics, physics, physics, physics, doesn't it. Sorry for going all fangirl there for a moment.
I don't have anything personal to say in this intro so let's move onto the presentation of your piece starting with the title.
The title and the description together gives me lots of ideas about who you might have been referring to but they are probably all people you don't know. Also, you need to get rid of the emoticon before anything else. It takes all seriousness away from your piece so please fix that. (Glitter=Elton John) Yeah that's probably the wrong answer to your question.
This line right here further supports this idea I had in mind, this story really sounded like a free verse poem. I think that it would look a little better this way just to show more emotion.
The first quote probably comes from Let It Be. It seems appropriate choice for the message you were trying to get across. I believe the other quote comes from an entirely different band but I'm not really sure. Who was it anyways?
The ending makes this sound even more like a poem. You may want to seriously consider that.
I really don't have anything for spelling, grammar, and typos. It was just a couple of comments about your points. Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer anything more than a couple of comments. Who were you actually referring to? I'm guessing some one in rock and roll from the descriptions you gave.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
Thanks a ton for your review! I was referring to David Bowie in this verse actually, and I will take your points into account for next time! The second quote is not a quote actually, I just meant it as a personification of the song.
Hey there!
We'll was this about some concert or Music show that you have been to because it certainly felt like that. But anyway it was interesting. I connected to it (if it was about music, which I think it was) anyway I hope to see more of your works.
Fangirl~
Thank you for your comments