This is posted in fiction but inspired from my life and my friends. Although, I have changed everyone's names including mine.And well, the title is similar to my story book but it just suited this story more!
Chapter 1: Welcome to my life!
“Leandra! Wait!” I cried at the top of my voice, running down the corridor.
Leandra ran ahead of me, laughing her contagious laugh.
“Come on now, don’t act like an idiot,” I told her, even though I knew she wouldn’t stop acting like one.
“We had a deal” she reminded me, sounding like my mom “That we share and pay…..”
“…..except on occasions I can give you a treat!” I completed her sentence.
“Well, today is no occasion.” She stopped running and turned around for the first time.
“Today is…umm…is...,” I tried to figure out what to say “Just take the stupid chocolate and you can pay tomorrow.”
Leandra looked at me with an angry growl in her hazel eyes. Her eyes tend to change color, and her pupils gave her the nickname “cat” which irritated her like hell. Her short, curly, black hair looked like a messy mop over her cute face and pink complexion. Her shirt was tucked out, as usual, in an attempt to make our dull, beige uniforms look cool.
She pulled the chocolate bar from my hand swiftly and started munching on it. I smiled and turned my face looking towards the stairs, satisfied by my success making Leandra eat the chocolate. for the next few minutes, we kept roaming aimlessly around the school, without saying a word. The silence between us gave me time to think of how Leandra and I had met last year and become such good friends in such a short time.
It was in the sixth grade, when we were supposed to be in the same group for a science exhibition that our school had organized. Those months, which we were given to prepare our exhibit, were the best days of my life. I still remember those days as if it happened only yesterday. All my faint memories pushed to the background as these appeared to stand out clearly. Leandra and me spent our precious time loitering around, making fun of others and unsuccessfully trying to make charts for our exhibit(we made ten of them till we got the final one!) while unknowingly, nurturing our friendship.
Suddenly, Leandra said something aloud and interrupted my thoughts, bringing me back to reality. I am not sure what it was that she had said but it had to be something accusing the teachers of ruining our life. That’s what we spoke about most of the time, anyway.
After our favorite hobby-roaming, we finally sat on the steps at the entrance of the school. This was where we usually sat to chat in the afternoons, because it was peaceful and quiet. I sat brushing through my hair with my hands. My hair was slightly longer than my shoulder-length and I always tied it in a high pony. I had side bangs, which always fell over my small eyes.(some people thought I was born in China because of my eyes!) Below my eyes, hung a huge, funny nose. I was fair and not so good looking. But Leandra always remarked how cute I looked. This was strange, because Leandra never lied about anything just to make you feel better. She was blunt and honest with anything. Although, there was no denial that the cutest of all was Aanam.
Suddenly, I thought I heard the sound of engine. I turned my head the other way and noticed a red rolls Royce Phantom pulling in as Aanam stepped out as if a red carpet had been laid out for her to arrive. Her family was one of the few in our town who could afford these kind of cars. She walked towards us, waving, with a warm smile on her dimpled face. There was something genuine about her smile, something special that made me happy when I felt low. It seemed to us that her smile was inseparable from those lips. Aanam had a plump look but not exactly fat. Her twinkling eyes sparkled with mischief, and her hair was as shiny as you would see on television. These were the factors that made most of the boys fall for her. Still smiling she came and sat down on the steps.
“Tell me Aanam, does your driver tell you jokes in the car?” I asked.
This was a common joke cracked among us because of Aanam’s constant smiling. Aanam gave me a don’t-be-stupid look and said “Shut up.” That was what she said when she just wanted to avoid the topic.
We sat in silence for the next few seconds and then heard a sharp bell ringing.
"uh-oh!" I said, remembering that we had history for the next 45 minutes.
"I have English," Leandra grumbled.
"Lucky you! I have to suffer for geography! I could take your English class anytime." Aanam remarked.
"make me an offer." Leandra gave a small laugh.
"If I keep talking to you now, I'll be late and that Selena won't leave a chance to say something insulting. I gotta rush." I ran, leaving both of them behind.
"Hey, wait up!" They called behind me, but I wasn't going to. I knew that If I was even one minute late, I'd have to bear Selena's rude talks. Selena was my class teacher, and a bad one at that.
*****************************************
As I walked into my class, I realized that my class teacher, Selena had already arrived and I was late. “May I come in?” I asked like a timid sheep and entered, hanging my head, staring at the floor- Not because I was ashamed but because I didn’t want to see her face. She was as thin as a rake, or thinner, if that is possible. She was fair but that just made her look like witch and her hair was the messiest ever like she had just got out of bed. She had no quality that made her fit for being a teacher in the seventh grade. I didn’t even think she deserved to teach the nursery, honestly. And I didn't think so just because of her looks! As I was thinking about all this I didn’t notice that she had been staring at me as if I had killed her son. I stared back at her, trying to look brave but I am positive that the look I gave her didn’t quite convey that message.
She opened her mouth to begin talking. I knew that this indicated another one of her blabber fest. I dug my head under my books, trying hard for her lecture not to get to me. And I was successful, I think, because most of the time I couldn’t hear the words she was trying to put in sentences.
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The day dragged on, slowly, after Selena’s unheard lecture. I counted every, damn minute to 3.45 pm, staring at my watch, unaware of which teachers entered our class and left. (I, usually, have no clue.) The lecture seemed to stretch on forever and ever....until the bell rang, marking my independence and waking me up from my slumber. I got up from my seat and rushed towards the door grabbing my bag.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
thanks mars!!
And since this is the first chapter,I tried not to rush things....
In the second chapter, a bit of hint is given as to what the plot might be...
Hey! I am here to review!
Okay, I like your writing style and then the writing itself is very good.
I only have one crit. and that is that at the current time I can't really see a story line, or plot I should say. Since this is chapter one it may be a little dull but you might want to add something, give us a hint to what is going to happen in the later chapters.
Other then that I really liked it!
It was good and you have talent! Now if you excuse me, I am off to read your other chapters!
Hi,
I wanted to tell you how much I liked your story. I did however notice a few mistakes but after reading over the comments I noticed that they have all been said. One thing I did pick up on that I don't think anyone else said is your use of brackets. Try to use commas or -- instead of using brackets. It tends to make work look childish and yours is certainly not. I can't wait to read the second chapter of this!
Keep up the good work!
Love,
N
Thanks Sapphire!
I am tired now...So I will make the changes tomorrow...
And I'll keep in mind what you said!
I’m really sorry for taking so long to review this! I started it at the beginning of the week but have been swamped with work!
I’m mostly going to point out nitpicky things like grammar, or ways that I would rephrase sentences and so on. I hope it doesn’t seem too harsh because I just wanted to write you a detailed critique!
That’s the first section edited simply for punctuation. It’s important to try and ensure that grammar is as accurate as it can be, otherwise technical points will distract from the content of your work.
Firstly, dialogue:
“I am speaking,” Lauren said.
You’ve put speech inside quotation marks, but you need to remember to put in whichever punctuation mark is appropriate before closing the speech marks. It could be a comma, like above, or an exclamation mark:
“I am speaking!” she yelled.
A question mark if it’s a question:
“Wait, was I speaking?” she asked herself.
If you don’t use a tag like ‘she said’, you might follow speech with an action. In this case, you still have to remember to put in punctuation – a question mark, exclamation mark or full stop – then you close the speech marks and start with a capital letter:
“I am speaking.” She paused as she thought of what to say next.
You probably know these rules, but I thought I would recap them because the first section was full of little mistakes. If you’re proofreading and find that you need to check a grammar point, then there are loads of articles under Writing Tips, or you can find the information online.
That last line is bit cliché. Even a variation, like ‘I can remember them as vividly as what I ate for lunch yesterday’ would be better.
I can’t decide if this section is what is known as an ‘information dump’! The line that leads into it (‘The silence between us gave me time to think of how Leandra and I had met last year and become such good friends in such a short time’) sounds like it was forced a little bit, to allow you to say how they became friends. To be honest, that kind of information could be gradually revealed later in the story – the interaction between the characters will show how strong their friendship is.
I think there should be a comma after the brackets, but it looks a bit messy. Maybe you could even cut out the part in brackets and just say ‘… trying to make charts for our exhibit, while unknowingly nurturing our friendship’.
‘Accusing the teachers’ sounds strange without saying ‘accusing the teachers of…’ You could simply say ‘it was probably something nasty about one of our teachers’. The next line (‘It was what we talked about most of the time’) makes their friendship seem school-based. If they were great friends, then teachers wouldn’t be their main talking point; they would chat about anything and everything, you know?
I’m almost sure that this section qualifies as an information dump. Most writers are moving away from this kind of overload (describing a person’s looks or personality all at once in a few paragraphs – think ‘Sweet Valley Twins’!) because it isn’t as interesting for the reader. Like with the history of their friendship, what the main character looks like can be revealed more subtly. Here, you can get away with describing her hair, but then going on to describe all her facial features, when she isn’t looking in a mirror, just doesn’t work.
Instead of simply saying ‘A car arrived’, why not paint a bit more of a picture? ‘The low purr of an approaching engine caught my attention, and I looked up in time to see a shiny red car pull up to the pavement in front of Leandra and me.’ That’s a bit flowery, but you get the idea.
The last sentence there is a bit clumsy. Maybe ‘… and her hair was so shiny that she could have been in television adverts’.
Sometimes you switch from past tense to present tense, so look out for that. Pick one and be consistent with it.
I would try to rewrite this section. Again, it’s just telling: ‘We got up to walk’, ‘mine was the worst’. Show the bell ringing, then the main character groaning as she thinks about her next class, and maybe a short discussion about teachers.
There’s a bit of a contradiction there – she hangs her head in shame, but she’s not ashamed? Just edit it slightly to clear that up.
It seems a bit harsh to describe her looks then say she wasn’t fit to be a teacher. Does she communicate too quietly, or seem scared of the students? Which actual qualities does she have that don’t make her fit to teach?
You suddenly refer to another lecture here – make it clear where she is.
Overall
Alright, so this is setting up a story and that’s fine – you have your main characters now (I assume) and have established their personalities well. Sometimes, like you have done, it is easier to create a rounded character if they are based on a real-life person.
The suggestions I would make are:
- Watch your grammar. Sometimes you switch between past and present, and sometimes the dialogue isn’t formatted correctly.
- Show, don’t tell. Really boring rule, I know, but look at the sections I pointed out. The car section, for example, and the bell ringing. The story loses momentum at these points because they aren’t descriptive enough.
- Conflict. I don’t know what the rest of the story is, obviously, but try to hint at the conflict that will become part of the plot.
I hope this helps you out!
Nice idea. You got talent to write but you need to get yourself more into the action. The descriptions as well - you need to work at your style of making them. You break the idea to fast.
You can write Leandra looked at me with an angry glow in her hazel eyes. Her slightly perpendicular pupils gave her the nickname "cat" which irritated her like hell, but at the same time she was kinda proud of it. Her short [color], curly hair was perfectly suited for her pink complexion and cute face. - To tell you what i changed:
1.) I said one idea per sentence
- Leandra looked ... her hazel eyes. ( Her angry look)
2.) I gave the motive which her nickname was "cat" - Her slightly perpendicular pupils
3.) Again one idea per sentence - Her short [color], curly hair was perfectly suited for her pink complexion and cute face
However - The description is short and gives the reader a small idea of how she looked at that moment - You need to describe the full feature of that character - clothes, way of movement, lights and shades and so on.
Change : " She pulled the chocolate bar from my hand with a swift move and started munching on it. I smiled and turned my face on the other way [ looking at something - window ]. We walked across the corridor and reached outside the library. As we kept roaming aimlessly from one place to another, the silence between us allowed me to think about how Leandra and I met last year and became such good friends in such a short time.
1.) with a swift move... - An extra action that gives a little idea of how it happen.
2.) the silence between us allowed me... - Its for the style of the sentence.
Suddenly, Leandra said something aloud and my thoughts lost their flow and broke as i came back to my reality. I am not sure what she had said, but it had to be something accusing the teachers. That`s what we spoke about most of the time, anyway.
1.) my thoughts lost their flow and broke as i came back to my reality... - Again that style that you must sometimes create in some sentences.
Ok. Refraze this - My hair was slightly longer than my shoulder-length and I always tied it in a high pony. - As a writer you must give the reader that he is living it in the present - I had hair .. - You are not dead! o.O
Well if that hour was rather boring you should get a little "student reaction".
The day dragged on, slowly, after Selena's unheard leacture. I counted every single bloody minute to 3:45 pm, staring at my watch, unaware of which teachers entered our class and left. I was half asleep when finallly the bell rang, marking my independence. I got up from my seat and rushed towards the door grabbing my bag on the way.
Ok. Work at what i pointed out and PM me when you get it edited. Again it is well writen in the way of expesions. Luck!
-Akayl
Hi, Fun.
Okay, are you really like this at your school?
Firstly, you wouldn't say 'Wait man', would you? You could change that to 'Leandra, wait!' And then, you don't have to say 'cried, shouting' both at the same time. You should change that to 'I cried at the top of my voice', Lastly, change this to 'I cried at the top of my voice while running down the corridor'
I think it would be better say 'an idiot'. This should be 'I told her'
No need of the comma in the middle. And it should be 'sentence'
There should be a comma after 'me'
I cut the 'a' and it should be 'which perfectly suited her'
The cut ones is not necessary as they didn't get friendly recently.
This should be 'school had organized' as it had happened in the past.
"Those months' and 'to prepare'
This was funny.
Well, this was intersting. I suppose we will have to know exactly how you look like to see you in a character. You had a few mistakes, so fix those.
Good luck.