Okay, I'm honestly trying to get better at poetry. I'm still a bit tender, so be nice when you rip this to shreds. 
Writing is smooth,
unblemished:
the new car on the lot.
Vignette base coat,
glossy novel finish.
But the salesman insists,
scratching his bristly chin,
“No, no. Not right,”
and he pushes you along
to the back lot.
It’s then you see Poetry
(the car lot owner’s
just dying for someone
to take the thing home and
read it over, and Salesman
knows that will strike up
a raise).
Poetry is broken:
used junker, high mileage.
Dented by commas
and line breaks,
engulfing the audience
in angst.
Salesman smiles and nods,
gesturing like Vanna White;
just a bunch of pretty words
to make the sale
or hide the meaning.
Unexpectedly, your wallet
is empty. Not sure why you
bought it in the first place,
you get in and sit down.
As you grope for the
right explanation, you
come across the answer,
caught somewhere between
the seat cushions and belt buckle.
And suddenly you don’t recall the seller
mentioning anything about a
certain dead mouse that has
strategically placed itself
in your new car.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I think I'll just take that part out. It wasn't my favorite part anyways.
Thanks
Oh...I suppose that kind of makes sense, but I didn't see it at all until you explained it to me, and we all know a poem shouldn't need to be explained after the fact. I think the biggest problem was that I didn't realize the salesman was supposed to be the title of the poem...I really think you need to find a way to make that metaphor clearer.
I'm not sure if this is frowned upon, but the meaning of the last part is...
[spoiler]
You know how sometimes you read a poem that's titled something totally unrelated to that topic? I meant for it to be like that, but I don't know if that was very effective. [/spoiler]
I actually really liked this poem. The metaphor is fresh and the language has just the right balance of seriousness and self-deprecation. I didn't feel like it went on too long or had unnecessary material. There were only two things that bothered me:
1) There are an awful lot of line breaks in rather odd places. Enjambment is all right when it's well-placed, but there were places here where it felt unnecessary and seemed to break up the poem too much. Lines ending in "the" or "you" and moving on to the rest of the sentence seemed uncomfortably abrupt, and this sentence in particular bothered me:
The line breaks here just felt oddly placed to me; they gave it a quick, hurried feel that doesn't match the expository content. It's your poem, and line breaks are such a personal matter, but I just thought I would bring it up.
2) The last image just didn't make sense to me. The dead mouse in the car--why? What does it mean? It left me feeling confused, when the poem up to that point had had me smiling and nodding and really engaged. I just don't know where that image is supposed to lead us.
Other than that, though, I actually really liked this and wouldn't have been surprised to see it in a literary journal or collection. Very well-thought-out and well-composed. You should be proud of yourself.
Keep writing!
~Stripes