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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Really love what you have here, foxtails! I know you have plenty of reviews already, but I wanted to go ahead and share my thoughts should they be of any value. Not too much to say, honestly, because this is gorgeous as is!
I enjoyed the artistic theme going on — choice of words like "etched" "paint" and the Frida and Diego simile held the poem together nicely, though I'd honestly love to see even more as I feel like it was a little lost in the beginning and second to last stanza.
Another note: the abundance of similes could honestly be avoided. I feel like this could improve the flow of the poem; I did find myself stumbling over the word "like" after the first two times, and seeing that you have a total of four similes in just the first three stanzas made me wonder if this could be changed? Even changing this line:
to something like "it is as if we have been predisposed" or something of the like just to diversify the language in your poem. I find that wording is especially crucial in shorter pieces, so this might be something to consider!
There is something so achingly heartbreaking and bittersweet in your writing, and I love how you leave it open enough for the reader to digest in their own way. The ending was an impactful last line to finish on — and it's thought provoking but not too blatant. And I just love how it ties into Frida and Diego and the art & love imagery you have going on!
All the best!
ah i hadnt noticed the simile usage until now, good catch
thanks for the review & your feedback
Hi foxtails! Valkyria here leaving a quick review for your lovely work!
Reading all the comments below makes me so excited to read more of your poetry! If they're as amazing as this one, I'm missing out! Okay, let's get into it:
This poem is short, but it is packed with imagery and metaphors. I adore the usage of the words "etched" and "electricity. The line about your two souls reverberating against each other makes me swoon. As Wist said, every stanza has its own point about love. I do agree with the comments that the poem could have benefitted from having more context about the speaker's tumultuous relationship. It would have made the comparison to Frida and Diego because we understand the context of the last line.
Overall, the prose is beautiful. The metaphors are so creative and elegant. Especially that last line. Like, wow. This was a joy to read. Well done!
thank you
you are seriously so good at poetry! ugh. i love this!
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Hello, foxtails!
I'm Wist and I'm here to leave you a short review. Overall, you show good control over imagery. Your metaphors are all clean and your diction paints the emotional effect of someone lost and confused. However, much like dissonance, I would say your conflict in this poem needs to be fleshed out more. Each of these lines on their own lays a good foundation for discussion of the speaker's love, but you move on to the next point before you set the scene. It would be great to see an exploration of why the subject is smaller than the speaker paints them. Also, a couple of lines saying how Frida loved Diego would make that metaphor resonate much deeper.
Overall, it's clear you have a good grasp on capturing emotions in writing, however, I would suggest you give room for the elements of your poem to breathe. The emotional capacity you already seem to have a good grasp of will thank you. But other than that, you did a fine job. Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading.
Happy Writing!
Wist
thanks
foxtails! i keep going to write envy but then i'm like. wait that's not their username anymore.
i've been loving all of the love poetry you've been writing lately! it's very evocative to me. like you can only really write like this when you've truly been in love, which makes your poems hit so much harder for me. there's something so deeply vulnerable and personal about the imagery. like the idea of the biological imagery that you've used before (cells, anatomy, etc), as well as the traditional romantic cliches (star-crossed lovers and the idea of fate). it's perfect for your voice.
ugh i've seen this so many times, but it feels timeless here. there's something so beautiful about memories that are so important they are integral parts of who you are. that's fitting for the rest of the poem i think.
the usage of the word cells feels kinda random though? memories could be etched onto anything really, so the choice of using something so biological put me off. i love imagery like that, but it just doesn't fit with everything else. i think you've done well with more anatomical language before in your other poems, but this isn't it. i think you would benefit from something more tender; for example, you mention painting and artists. you could use that and build up from there.
oh how i love rhetorical questions! mentioning frida and diego is such a good way to really set the scene, since i imagine a very tumultuous relationship when i imagine them together. there's no doubting that they loved each other, but it wasn't the most stable environment. even with the whole star-crossed lovers thing, you could say that. romeo and juliet was a love story full of passion and complexity, and it's not known for it's stability. the juxtaposition of those two relationships is telling for the background of the narrator and muse; complicated. it's a unique, personal perspective for sure.
also i just want to say that i adore this line so much! when you posted it as a status on your wall, i went crazy for it. it's just ??? it's gorgeous dude
great ending, but it just feels like it's missing something? i assume that painting someone "much bigger than they are" is a way of saying the narrator sees their lover as an idealized version of themselves. that's what love is all about. i wish there was just more about that kind of dynamic though. like you mention a relationship like that of frida and diego, but you don't elaborate on it. you don't elaborate on how the narrator is blind to some of their partner's faults either.
it's such a poetic way to end though, i'll give you that. all of your ending lines are always so masterful. i think that the beginning and end of this poem are very solid and written extremely well, but the middle stanzas feel like filler. if it's purposefully vague to make a point about love, i understand it to a small degree. i just wish there was more consistency in the imagery, even if it's relatively basic.
but yes, this was amazing as always! i will be waiting for more!
best,
chi
i always love your reviews, thank you