Chapter one
The scroll was already on the desk and the pen was full of ink, but Leena didn't feel like writing. Instead, she was staring off into space, completetly zoned out from the rest of the world. There were only certain times where she could do such things. This was not one of them.
"Well? What do you think? One or two?" Asked a voice.
"What?" Leena asked, snapping back into reality. Her lady-in-waiting, Belle, glared back at her.
"I said-" she pointed at one of the two dresses she was holding up. One was woven fron seaweed and had the egg shells from water dragons, Asian Lungs On the sides, making it look like pearls. The other one was much more simple and was made from seafoam.
"One, or two?" She asked again, this time impatiently.
"Uh, two." Leena said absentmindedly. If it were up to her, she'd swim around in pajamas all day. If only she wasn't part of one of the greatest mage families of all time.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Leena had long dark hair, olive skin, and yellow eyes like everyone in her family did. If it were up to her, she'd just be normal.
It wasn't that she liked magic, she really did! It was just that she wanted to be a normal merl. SHe didn't want everyone to stare at her, and act as if she was a perfect doll to be kept in a glass case, to be stared at and protected. She wanted to go out and actually do things! Important things! Leena could still rememer when, long ago, in the histpry books, it said that mages were actaully important! They battled sea monsters! Solved mysteries! Leena wished she could do things like that!
Alas, not going to happen anytime soon.
"Really? I think number one is much more dignified." Said Belle, critisizing as usual. "You should wear it."
"Then why did you ask me? You wear it instead." Snapped Leena. Why did Belle alwys have to be so strict? After all, she would let her wear her nicest dresses. If, only, she weren't always so annoying.
"Oh, no I couldn't!" said Belle. "This is your night, not mine."
Just like it is every other day, thought Leena, annoyed. Why did she always have to have everything so fancy? Ugh.
"Some day," said Belle. "you will be the top mage in all of Atlantis! Doesn't that sound nice?"
Leena thought she could detect some jealously in her voice. Butof course that wouldn't happen. Belle always had to be so grateful and happy for her. It was the rules! If Belle were even the slightest bit unpleasant, she could get fired by Leena. In fact, Leena secretly wished that would happen, just so she could get someone else.
Too bad it hadn't yet.
"Just say it. You wish you were me." said Leena.
"What? Of course not! You deserve all this!" Belle said happily, althugh it was clear she didn't think so.
"Really? Because I'd be happy to switch places with you," said Leena.
"Are you sure? Because I think it is such an honor working for you, and I would never say otherwise!"
yes, of course. thought Leena. You definately think that.
"Oh?" she asked. "I really don't think so. I'm sure you would enjoy this all so much! What do you think?"
"No, no!" Said Belle, and she swam to the other side of the room, and held up two combs.
"One, or two?"
oh, dear. Not this again. Thought Leena. She inspected the two.
One was made of what looked like pearls and had sapphires on the edges. To was made of Solid gold and had Seafoam moving around it, as if it were alive.
"One?" asked Leena. She would have picked two, but it went along too much with her outfit. She wanted nothing to match.
"Really? Two goes along much better with your dress." siad Belle, just as Leena had thought she would say. "I think you should go with two."
"No, One." said Leena stubbornly.
"But two-"
Uh-oh. Leena had to do what she hated doing. It made her think she abused her powers way to much.
"Remember who has the magic here?" she asked warningly. She tried to ignore the guilt that was coiled up inside of her,but it didn't work. As much as Belle annoyed her, this didn't feel right.
"Yes, yes, of course, Mistress Leena." She said.
"Mistress Leena?" Leena muttered.
And, as Belle swam out the door to let Leena get changed, she could see the most dangerous glint in her eye.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hi. That was a very interesting start.
I'm not sure whether to say Leena is a spoiled brat or feel sorry for her. The grass always seems greener on the other side doesn't it?
I do feel sorry for Belle and it's too bad their positions don't allow them to say what they really want to.
It came across really well that Leena dislikes Belle for just doing her job (even if she might be a bit annoying about it). Meanwhile Belle dislikes Leena for her power and for making her job so difficult.
I really love how you introduced us to these characters! You did a really good job of helping me (the reader) understand their relationship, feelings and positions without a hint of exposition.
They can be very relatable too. Of course Belle is jealous of Leena's power. Especially if she's being threatened by it so often.
Speaking of which, I like how you made it sound like Leena was forced to threaten Belle. Not only does it give us a good idea of why Belle might hate her without making us see Leena as a bad character, but it also gets the reader interested in why she felt like she had to do it.
What about her role and societal norms dictated she had to show her power in that instance?
There were only a few grammar/spelling mistakes here which was great! Most of them were in paragraph 8. if you want me to point out the exact spots just let me know and I'll be sure to quote them in the future.
Overall I really liked this story and the characters you are setting up here. Great job.
Thank you! Could you please tell me where the grammar mistakes are so I can fix them?
"It was just that she wanted to be a normal merl. SHe"
This was in paragraph 8. the SHe should be She.
I also don't know if this space was intentional or why it was there if so
"actually do things! Important things! Leena could still rememer when..."
I didn't notice any other major ones on my re-read so that's it for this piece but I'll keep it in mind for the future.
thank you!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayyy well this was an interesting chapter one. It seems we're starting in a world that's entirely different from where the prologue happened which is very interesting because its clear that we're seeing this opening from the point of view of those mermaids that were spotted earlier. I think that's a lovely choice there, it definitely makes things quite interesting.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start there, especially when it comes to the fact that a lady in waiting happens to be glaring at this person. That takes you a little by surprise because normally that wouldn't be the greatest of behavior there from a lady in waiting but it seems the dynamics here are a bit different.
Well we're off to a pretty decent start on that front there. The classic mirror technique to get us a description of this person is a little forced there so you might want to try and be a bit more subtle about that. The comment she makes on her appearance works to some extent to cover it up, but it doesn't quite work as it is currently.
Oooh well this is already quite an exciting little combination here. It seems Belle despite being the lady in waiting has a much more of a motherly figure sort of role there and gets to chastise Leena quite often here. I'm looking forward to see how that ends up working out.
Well that's a slightly weird combination. Belle there acting a lot more like the normal dynamic you expect in a duo like this while Leena is being a bit contradictory about what sort of person Belle is. I'm not sure what the message you wanted to get across there happens to be because it does contradict itself a little.
Okay yeah so right now that whole motherly dynamic flies straight out the window and it seems far more like the normal dynamic. I feel like if you want to work with this you'll have to make Belle sound a lot more polite at the start because the Belle we see here and the Belle at the start sound completely different as it stands right now.
Well that fight has led precisely nowhere it seems but ignoring that first bit, its a good way to establish Belle as a very jealous person whose got what almost seems like a little hidden motive there. Its a good way to add a bit of extra suspicion and mystery into the situation there.
And here we're just suddenly just back to the whole arguing more advisory role situation. Somehow I just can't see both of these people the same thing because their way of talking there just feels entirely different.
Huh. Well this is an even more interesting but also confusing place to end. This adds a lovely little cliffhanger to the whole thing but at the same time it also feels like it comes fully out of nowhere again, so now we just have three separate version's of Belle. Perhaps I'm just missing something but it feels like we've been shown three different characters there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, besides the issue with Belle and her character being a little all over the place I think the rest of this works pretty well. The little undercurrents of who Leena is and how she seems to want to be anyone but herself and the whole thing with guilt and magic makes for a nice little blend of mysteries for us to think about. I like that you haven't gone and given us too much exposition on any of that so we really are left to just try and imagine what can be done.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Thank you!