It was a lousy morning, it seemed as if the sun had risen on the wrong side, south perhaps. As Gilberto dragged himself into the café emo-ly. He crept all the way to the high table, where he sat down and stared at the wood. There was something about its texture that bothered him. He did not know if it was the structure of the lines or the feel of his hands against it.
Ding, ding!
The door opened and Kaylee entered the cafe as well. She was covered in eyeball-scorching pink, , all over her. As if that wasn't enough, she was wearing so much make-up that she looked like a zombie. Her lashes were smothered in mascara, while the purple lipstick looked terrifying in combination with the green eye shadow. Not to mention the red blush that gave her a ghostly look. Gilberto cringed and immediately grabbed the stool he was sitting on.

Suddenly, Ellie walked in. While Kaylee looked hideous, Ellie looked hot. She was wearing a shoulder-less dress, and a large hat. While Kaylee was wearing a huge amount of makeup, Ellie was wearing a small amount, just lipstick and that stuff you put on eyelashes. Ellie looked like a model.
Kaylee joined Gilberto at his seat at the table, and Ellie joined them, sitting in the middle of the two so they wouldn't argue. May quickly joined them, and collapsed next to her.
Kaylee pursed her lips, batted her eyelashes, and said, "uwu!"
Ellie groaned, and Gilberto's eyebrows skyrocketed.
"What can I get for you?" asked a waitress quickly walking up to the group.
"Uh.... Hot chocolate, with extra marshmallows!" yelled Kaylee.
"Black coffee. NO CREAMER!" yelled Gilberto.
"A health smoothie, and crasins." said Ellie calmly. "Nothing for the maid."
"Yes, yes, yes!" said the waitress, walking back to the kitchen.
The moment she left, everyone began to argue.
"I know what happened with the dog!" Yelled Gilberto. "The dog-cat-human-spy hybrid!"
Everyone blinked.
"Um," said Ellie. "Please don't start this again."
"Don't make things up! Princess Paws is mine!"
Ellie sighed, right before the waitress walked up, and served them their drinks.
"SHE IS NOT YOURS, IDIOT!!!" screamed Gilberto.
"NUH-UH!"
"UH-HUH!!!"
Ellie laid her head on the table, exasperated.
"NUH-UH! YOU DON"T KNOW ANYTHING-"
"SHUT UP!!!"
Everyone gasped, and turned to Ellie. "DON"T ARGUE!"
Suddenly, the owner of the cafe walked up to them.
"Sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he said.
"FINE!" Ellie yelled. She was done. She hadn't gotten sleep in days, thanks to the two continuously voice mailing her in the middle of the night.
"I'm taking my coffee!" She hurled the crasins across the room, and stalked out of the cafe.
"MAY. We're leaving."
May sighed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
By the way, this part:
is written by @Rinisha, she helped me describe it and stuff.
Just letting y'all know.
Hey fox, Icy here for a quick review this evening!

Let's get right on into it
I love this line, humour but also very prescriptive.
This isn't a sentence on its own. Did you mean to have a comma here instead?
I like how you've kept these descriptions simple to make it clear that they're coming from Gilberto's perspective.
I think you convey the exclamation/shout quite well with both the dialogue tag and the exclamation mark. I'm personally not a fan of all caps in novels/stories because it takes me out of the experience of reading and it seems more of a joke than a piece of prose!
Overall I enjoyed this, but definitely agree with Rinisha's point below about the lots of caps shouting. I think you can achieve the same effect with it being a little less jarring using the dialogue tags and exclamation points you've already got in.
I also really liked the characters - I think they balance each other out well!
This was a fun read. Thanks for sharing.
Have a great day,
Icy
thanks for the review! (@Rinisha actually helped out with me for he beginning, to add more detail in it and stuff, just to let you know
)
"Ellie looked like a model"
why thank you!
-Ellie Mae
ps: i love this haha!! ill try to review when i have more time!!
Salutations, Foxmaster!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
I’m glad to see that you’ve kept the humour in the story. (Most of all, I’m happy you kept my title) I like the idea you're exploring and until now you did a good job. I think the boss is still my favourite character.
Areas to Improve:✒️
You can place more descriptions and give your story more depth:
For example:
Before:
After:
These are simple suggestions and not meant to hurt you in any way. They are simple to provide insights on how to improve your writing.
I have the feeling that your writing style consists of a lot of exclamation marks and capital letters. And a lot of shouting. I would suggest that you try to put some clothes on your writing, like some more descriptions and proper dialogue.
This part supports my above statement well:
Nailed It!💐
I like your name choices a lot. I have noticed that you choose names which really fit their personality. For example, May is a rather quiet girl while Kaylee seems like a screaming name which her personality screams too. With her make up and her dress. (Love the picture you chose btw.)
Overall Feelings:
I think you have a lot of creative ideas and you have the capability of writing amazing stories. I would just suggest to keep in mind that maybe you can also try and write without a lot of capitals and exclamation marks, but still create something wonderful. These are simple suggestions and not meant to hurt you in any way. They are simple to provide insights on how to improve your writing. I really like your concept and idea, and I would definitely recommend you to continue this novel if that's what you like too.
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
Prologue - The Passion Forest by @CarrotWrites
These are two paragraphs out of the story. In these paragraphs you can see that the author really coloured the story and has used vivid descriptions to make clear what they mean. If you take a look at some of the authors' works maybe it can help you too.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉
thanks for the review! I'll make the changes!