Young Writers Society

Wow, you already edited this.

“It depends…”

Proofread! Just by proofreading, you'll put your work above 90% of the other stuff that gets posted. You want to read your story at least twice before posting it; that way, you won't have reviewers concentrating on your grammar. Instead, they'll be concentrating on the inherent worth of the story.

In General

Overall, I like the idea of the story. It's not often you read a story from the point of view of a prostitute, and you should make a note of that in your title. With just "Janilima" as the title, you're not distinguishing your story from anyone else. However, with something even as simple like "Janilima the Prostitute" or even more attention grabbing, "Janilima the Whore Apparent," you'll get a lot more readers.

I also like the story itself. It's interesting, and you do a good job of capturing a few minutes of this girl's life in words. You may even want to develop this into a short novel, and I encourage you to do so.


Grammar

Her name is Jarenice and she works in the same shift as I am

But still, is till can’t shake the idea that someone I will find may truly fill the inner emptiness that I have suffered since my childhood.

My life to what I have made has become trapped from the outside and I have become a prison of my own longing.

“It depends…I rather check what kind of personality they have before I score…”

foxfire wrote:It was another night. The streets were filled with people wearing jeans and hoods, and the night was shone
I don't think the night was shone makes sense...I don't know how you'd want to word that.

from the flicker of neon lights.
I secretly stared through my window, a small rectangular window with drape curtains. I felt like a prisoner staring at the same window every night, but no matter how many times I do it, I like it. It was the only thing
only place where, or only thing that I can look at the outside world with. Only thing where doesn't make sense.
where I can look at the outside world.

I have a hobby of looking at people’s faces through this window. Each face-no matter how similar they look-is always different.
clumsy wording. You are making a contradictory statement too strongly. Perhaps:Each face, no matter how similar,looks different in some way.

I just love knowing what kind of person they are just by watching their faces. No matter how many times my boss told me not to look through the window before my shift would beginbegan I still do it.

“Janilima…?”
I heard my name being called and turned my head directly to my caller. Her name is Jarenice and she works in the same shift as I am. She is a tall black haired woman with a butterfly tattoo on her back and body piercing on her belly button and tongue.
“So you’re still there as predicted. You are late again, Janilima, the other girls are waiting for you. You’re just lucky that I am this kind to you, Janilima. The boss would shove your butt out of here this moment if he caught you right in the act again.” I real life, it's unlikely that she would say her name once in dialogue, let alone twice. It feels unatural here. We know her name already!

“But the boss isn’t here, is he? So what is the big deal?” I copied her tone.
Jarenice looked at me with suspicion as she blew a puff of smoke from her cigarette. ‘You know that the boss will put cameras in all our rooms, if you still continue it.” still continue is wrong, just continue gets the point across

I was loss did you mean lost or at a loss?
with words when I heard it. (Sigh), I better stop it. The other girls would seriously blame me that their privacy would be destroyed. What do I care with other people’s privacy anyway?
“Fine …Fine had it your own way then, Jarenice. I stop it okay.” I closed the drape curtains over the window as I went pass Jarenice who was staring at him with such suspicion.
“So Janilima, who are you going to score tonight?” Jarenice grinned.
“It depends…I rather check what kind of personality they have before I score…”
“Hmph, suit yourself, Janilima. But don’t blame if you don’t enough money to pay your rent. I know you’ll march back to me and try to ask some money again. Besides do you really have to do that?”
“Don’t worry, Jarenice, I promise not to go marching back to you again and what is wrong with choosing by personality.”
Jarenice stared at me with her dubious stare.
‘Like I said before, suit yourself, Janilima. What do I care. You are a prostitute anyway, you have to make money.” she said as she went downstairs to join with the other girls. I stood there alone in the hallway staring at the blank passage before me.


It is what she said, I am a prostitute. I do not why I have become like this is the way it is. It is not the money that was the reason or the amount of ecstasy in one night. Rather, it helps me fill the inner emptiness if my own consciousness though it may seem that it is only a temporary one.
But still, is till can’t shake the idea that someone I will find may truly fill the inner emptiness that I have suffered since my childhood. I have longed to be truly complete and that is why I have chosen personalities instead of the money.
I hate money and the way it has became a tool to corrupt one’s own identity. But it cannot be ignored, it is the way of this world and people have let themselves be corrupted. They have become empty shells in which the currency was the only thing that filled the gap.
As I walked the hall towards the noisy world downstairs, I gaze slowly at the covered windows. My life to what I have made has become trapped from the outside and I have become a prison of my own longing. But no matter how many times, I walked these empty halls, look at the barred windows and see the world crashing around me, I still kept that longing.
Some day, I wonder…I found that perfect person.


Maybe tonight…but that is only in the world of my dreams.

foxfire wrote:the night was shone from the flicker of neon lights.

foxfire wrote:I secretly stared through my window, a small rectangular window with drape curtains.

foxfire wrote:I felt like a prisoner staring at the same window every night but no matter how many times I do it, I like it. It was the only thing where I can look at the outside world.

foxfire wrote:I heard my name being called and turned my head directly to my caller. Her name is Jarenice and she works in the same shift as I am. She is a tall black haired woman with a butterfly tattoo on her back and body piercing on her belly button and tongue.

foxfire wrote:who was staring at him with such suspicion.

foxfire wrote:I do not know why I have become like this, it is just the way it is. It is not for the money or the amount of ecstasy in one night. Rather, it helps me fill the inner emptiness if my own consciousness, though it may seem that it is only a temporary one.

foxfire wrote:But still, is till can’t shake the idea that someone I will find may truly fill the inner emptiness that I have suffered since my childhood.

foxfire wrote:My life to what I have made has become trapped from the outside and I have become a prison of my own longing.