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Young Writers Society



Letters to an Angel part 2

by foxfire


*this is the continous of the first part of Letters of an Angel

“Fredrick,” He bolted to what almost felt like a dream. By the distance, his date walked towards him with a small red handbag swaying by her shoulder. She was dressed in a large grey jacket over her blue dress that reached to her knees. She waved at him as she looked at her watch for the time. He waved back closing the lid of the velvet back to try and introduce the woman to his date.

But she was gone.

There was nothing but an empty space beside him. Fredrick’s eyes widened. He looked around urgently trying to find any traces of her. He saw nothing but the darkness around him. He spotted no shadow or figure other than his date’s moving figure.

“Sorry, I’m late.” She apologized as she checked her watch. “My mom had to go to an appointment and I couldn’t use her car to get here.”

Fredrick did not respond but took his time to look at the empty seat beside him. He wondered if what he experienced was a dream, an illusion, created from the cold. Then again, when he gazed at the velvet box that held the ring, how could he take possession of such an item? If he thought that the woman was an illusion, then how would he explain the box in his hand? He wondered if the woman had left her when his date caught his attention. Surely, she must have left him for it was the only possible explanation.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

Fredrick spun around to glance at her. One hand held the collar of her jacket while the other rested near her chest. Fredrick nodded briefly before showing the box to her.

“Is that for me?” She added with her cheeks flushed in pink.

“No, its –” He paused for a moment as the words of the woman echoed through his mind, almost grasping his entire thoughts. “Please, I do insist you keep it.” He recalled.

“It will be such an honor for you to keep such thing and to give it to your date.”

Fredrick stared at the box before him clutching his hand around the box. He took a moment before he finally sighed quietly to himself. Slowly, he breathed in the cold air around him feeling his cheeks flushed in red. He murmured thanks to the woman who gave him the ring before he placed his hand on the lid of the box and opened it towards her.

“A–Angel…”He said her name trying to raise his head to look at her face but was only able to gaze at her cheeks. “Th–This is for you.”


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180 Reviews


Points: 16930
Reviews: 180

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Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:02 pm
pudin.junidf wrote a review...



HI fox!
This is so...cute! sorry for such teenage girliness, but it was. THey piece was better written thatn the last one and its intriguing and mysterious. It had very few spelling and grammar mistakes,much more enjoyable.
It's almso great how you showed us what he felt, how confused he was.

I'm not in a nitpick moood, sorry for this not being quite a review, but I like your story so...keep me updated.

Keep writing
Pudin




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58 Reviews


Points: 3584
Reviews: 58

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Thu Sep 17, 2009 11:29 pm
KayKel16 wrote a review...



Hi, hi. I'm here to review your work. I love anything angel wise, and I found your story! [:
_______

“Fredrick,” He bolted to what almost felt like a dream.

I don't think the format this sentence isn't right. From what I can tell, the name Fredrick is like a creepy name call or something like that right? Well try using an ellipsis, or three dots. It'll flow like a half sentence, but calling. Get it?

Then again, when he gazed at the velvet box that held the ring, how would he take possession of such an item?

This sentence doesn't sound a bit right. Ah, I think I found. Change would to could and I think you'll be okay.

Surely, she must have left him for it was the only possible explanation.

Surely doesn't need a comma afterwards. It doesn't read write if you use the comma.

Fredrick stared at the box before him clutching his hand around the box.

This sentence is worded weird. You stated box twice in this sentence, which makes it not flow correct. I reword it similar to this: Fredrick stared at the box before he clutched his hand around it.

“A –Angel…”He said her name trying to raise his head to look at her face but was only able to gaze at her cheeks. “Th –This is for you.”

When you add stuttering to your dialogue, try it like this: A-Angel. In other words, no spaces between the repeated letter.

________

I really like this short piece. It really leaves the reader itching to figure out what happened with the girl. Good job at that. And I love your writing [:





If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber