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E - Everyone

Always In Pain

by ILoveBooks123

I can't find a way to escape this place.

All I can think of is stop seeing those face.

People that are around me, left me in pain.

It was really driving me insane.

I always feel mu eyes watered,

While hearing my heart shattered.

'How can this be reality?' I wondered.

I dont know why but I am frustrated.

I just continue to be alone.

Waiting for someone to phone.

But I doubt it will happen.

Because the cycle repeat again.

I always wonder above th skies.

Why people continue to tell lies.

They act so nice but deep inside,

They are saying,"Just Die!"

They stab your back with a knife,

and shouted,"Get a life!"

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60 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 60

Sun Jul 26, 2015 1:26 am
Vex15 wrote a review...

Okay- negatives first. Not to be mean, I promise. But there are just a few misspelled words on here, and the second line has a mistake.
I can relate to this, because I've written poems about this before. This is a good poem, and I love the title because for some people it is real. Sounds like emotional pain, which is what I've gone through, and it seems like you are too. But very good- I liked this poem. I'll check out more of your work. Feel free to check out mine under my author name CatLover211. Happy writing!

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5 Reviews

Points: 319
Reviews: 5

Fri Jul 17, 2015 6:57 pm
AnneBell wrote a review...

Hello :)
This is a very good poem! I really enjoyed it and it brings up emotions and makes me as a reader think which is a very good quality for a poem!
There is very little negative things that I have to say so here we go. One of the things that I think is rather technical is that I feel like it would be better if you break up your poem into stanzas. I feel like it's a very emotional poem and it feels very heavy when it is just a line after line. It would be more digestible and slightly lighter if it was broken up into verses.
Another thing that is technical is that you should plainly clean the poem up a little. There are a few typos that I as a reader stumbled upon. They are not even considered mistakes, they mainly break the mood and the flow of the poem. I think those are the only negatives that I have to say
Now for the compliments :)
This is a very strong poem, and it feels very personal and relatable. Good job!
This poem has a very nice rhyming pattern, and all the rhymes fit in very well. It has a certain darkness to it that portrays the cruelty and ignorance of the world and people in it.
Very well done again! Definitely keep writing because you have a talent! :)

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414 Reviews

Points: 725
Reviews: 414

Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:11 am
Willard wrote a review...

Hey, yo, ILoveBooks123! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!

I have to echo Fortis's review full heartedly. The points they made were spot on and strong. In this review, I want to switch it up from her so you can get something that varies, but that review is pretty spot on.

This felt juvenile. I honestly couldn't feel sympathy for the main character, which shouldn't happen in every poem, but this poem screams it. This poem wants us to relate and feel for the MC. The MC was a bit too whiny for my liking, and it prevented future growth of the poem. It's really something that limits everything else.

There were sometimes that this needed quotation marks, question marks, and those marks to make this work more fluent. It needs to be easier on the eyes and the mind. It's like the Oxford comma rule. If there's a misplaced comma, it screws everything up. Not saying this was a screwed up poem, but at times it became muddied and prevented growth. To be honest, there was no growth.

To comment on the rhyming, I do believe rhyming can fit in poetry, but it depends on how you rhyme. Whether it's forced, cop out, one of those. This used common, kid rhymes that made the work feel very watered down. Heck, to be honest with you, some of these rhymes were ridiculous.

I also believe in strong endings, and this ending is so MC-centered that it makes it harder to enjoy. Why so? Because I couldn't relate to the MC. I would like to see you grow, as Fort does. Seeing poets grow is great. Grow!

Keep writing, and stay groovy!

Thanks! I appreciate it!

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592 Reviews

Points: 1281
Reviews: 592

Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:38 am
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fortis wrote a review...


I'm going to be brutally honest in this review, so if you don't like that, then feel free not to read it. That's what we're all putting our work up for, yes? To get better, to know what we need to do to improve.
I'm sorry if this poem is personal to you, but I must come at it from an audience's standpoint, not your own.

This poem struck me as juvenile and whiny. Not to mention cliche and not-well-developed. Almost all poems that talk about pain are like this. You have to put a real spin on pain for it to not read as cliche.
This reminds me of those "emo" poems/rants where the author just takes out their rage on a diary page, and then later in life they can look back and see how silly it was for them to be so enraged. Now maybe you have a good excuse for writing this, but right now it feels petty. I don't feel any emotion when I read it.

Not only this, but there is no cohesion in this poem. It tells no story. I gain nothing new from it. It doesn't even seem to be in any sensible order (chronoglogical, spacial, big to small picture or vice versa...), it just seems to be a bunch of rhyming lines sewn together for the purpose of whining and "sounding poetic."
Don't worry too much, I used to do the same thing. I used to think that poetry was just writing my feelings out and making them rhyme and sound good.

But this doesn't really even sound good. The vocabulary is grade-school level, the rhymes are typical dog/log, cat/hat, mouse/house, rhymes, and the sentences just seem strung together.
This is probably because you're worrying about rhyming too much. Contrary to popular belief, not all poems have to rhyme. In fact, in my opinion, most poems shouldn't rhyme because rhyming is stinkin' HARD. Well, at least it's hard to get RIGHT.
Rhyming should sound natural, not forced or awkward in any way. This particular poem sounds like it was made expressly to put rhyming words together in sentences.

Okay, that's enough bashing your poem.
What do you do about all of this?

the easiest answer is: nothing, right now. You take this poem as an example of things to avoid in the future. You grow from it. You strive with every poem to be better than the last. You realize what makes a good poem and you realize why this poem is not particularly good. That's what I did with some of my early poetry. I now look back at them and realize they weren't the genius masterpieces I once thought they were. And it's still okay if you still think this is a genius masterpiece. The only thing you have to think is that you can do better than it. You know those famous writers and artists whose work is AMAZING? they kept writing/painting/singing/WHATEVER they did even after their "masterpiece" was finished. Why? Because they knew they could continue to improve. They could do better.

So that's the easiest thing to do.
But if you really like this poem. If you really like things in this poem. OR if you just want to practice editing (ALWAYS a good idea), then you could do this:
Reread the poem and figure out what exactly you were trying to say. What was your point?
Just free-write about that thing you had wanted to write about in this poem. don't worry about making your writing sound poetic or rhyme or anything. Just blurch your ideas onto paper. Write specifically about things that involve the five senses. Sensory details in my opinion are some of the most important things in poetry to get a reader to connect and enjoy the poem. Sensory details were really lacking in your poem. The only one I could find was "I always feel m[y] eyes watered," which is a sensory detail of touch, but not a particularly strong one.
Then, take these ideas, order them a bit (remember when I listed off ways of ordering things? You could order them like that) and make them look like a poem. Don't worry about adding poetic language or rhyme. You don't need it. Just add some line breaks wherever you feel are necessary, and read it out loud to see if it sounds good.
Hopefully it will, and you'll have a much better poem.

I really want to see you succeed. I love it when I can watch poets grow. I'm sorry if anything I said was harsh and made you want to quit writing. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO QUIT WRITING. I want you to GROW as a writer, and to do that, you need to hear some sharp criticisms to realize what you're doing wrong and how you can fix it.
My inbox is always open if you have poetry questions, or if you want to talk about this particular poem/review, feel free to hit that "reply" button under here.
I hope this was able to help you now and that it will help you in the future as you grow in your poetical-ness. c:
Great first step at poetry, now just KEEP WRITING!!

Willard says...

You are fantastic, I swear.

Oh its fine. I understand. I think I should really improve everything. Thanks by the way.

You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
— Uncle Iroh