The fiend give the fiery,a villain sight
It made us shiver in scary fright
The fiend eyes making us jump in fear
Friends of Mine hug in tears
Made everyone sick of his stupid command
Oh how I wish we could beat that heartless typical evil man
They fight for the million buck in defeat
Making some people want to beat the crap out him
Our very own chef making the gruesome food
The food we eat make me not so good
What this man think he will hated by his evil mind
we should help each other kind
The girl who protected herself from the outcast lad
The nerd who made a blast
From those balls of Rad
The party boy who helped the Lonely Goth to continue on her match
The Queen Bee do anything for the biggest stash
Goody Good Girl and Bad Boy do right and Wrong
Opposite Attraction I might add I see
The Spirit what the guy give us from above
Is the magic we called Love
We should test our limits
Before our arrival become summit
People around this camp
Are so Weird and Creep
We are Still a big Family here
Never leave a single person there
Our Survival and Love never say end
And never say die
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here to review =)
I really liked this. Especially the last couple of lines. I like how the friends are all sticking together in an environment that's, well, creepy. I think the format is okay, but I'd add stanzas. They make it look more structured and less clunky. Do you know what I mean? Like have each stanza 4 lines and space between them all. But know that you don't have to do this. If you want to keep this as it is, that's fine by me. Really =P
I noticed some problems with capitalization, grammar, and punctuation, mostly. I'll show you what I'm talking about and give you reasons why I think that way. I'll also try to offer ways to revise, but they are only suggestions. Use whatever of them you wish or ignore everything I say. It's up to you, really, haha.
SO let's start! =)
I don't understand what this sentence means. Are you trying to tell us the fiend looks villainous? What does the word "fiery" have to do with anything? It's kind of random. Maybe "The fiend looks fiery, a villainous sight." Or "The fiend stands there, a villainous sight." It's kind of hard because I'm still trying to rhyme with the word "fright" in the second line. Try playing with the words a bit.
The "m" in "mine" doesn't need to be capitalized. It should read "Friends of mine hug in tears."
This is kind of awkward. Try making it like "The good we eat doesn't make me feel good."
I included these two together because one comes right after the other. So, the first line. I don't understand it. I think you're trying to say the man has an evil mind. Maybe try, "Whatever this man thinks is caused by his evil mind" or go for simple, like: "This man has an evil mind."
Now, the second line. Are you saying they should be kind to each other? Or that they should help their own kind? If it's the second, I'd say, "We should help our own kind." Or something like that. If it's the first, I don't know an alternative way to say it. Sorry!
Does. You should say, "The Queen Bee does anything for the biggest stash."
All of these have problems in capitalization. "Goody Good Girl" and "Bad Boy" is all right; they can stay capitalized. This is because that's their title, right? But the "w" in "Wrong" should not be capitalized.
"Opposite Attraction" should not be capitalized. The same goes for "Spirit" and "Love." Unless you like want them to be, that is. It's your poem, anyways =P
Problems with capitalization again. "Weird and "Creep" should not be capitalized. And I think you mean "creepy" instead of "creep." You just forgot the "y" =P
"Still" and "Family" shouldn't be capitalized either.
Problem with capitalization here. "Survival" and "Love" shouldn't be capitalized. And, also, the sentence doesn't make sense to me. I don't know what is trying to be said here.
Nitpicking: OVER
Feel free to ignore any and everything I've just said. Haha, they're only suggestions and I say this a lot, but it's because I have to. I'm not a total expert; I'm only offering what I know. And what I know can be wrong. Anyways, do what you wish =)
I liked the poem. It was nice and let me know about the people in the camp. There's an evil fiend, bad food, and creepy camp members. In a situation like this, I'd be creeped out too! I think you did a nice job here. =) Keep writing!
This is very good! I like the feeling of it altogether, but there are quite a few things that I think you could do to improve it even more.
The first line is very confusing, at least to me. Maybe removing the comma might make it flow better, so that it's like, "The fiend gave the fiery a villainous sight." Also, there's a lot of random capitalization. I'm not sure if it's purposeful or not?
Lastly, I think that the phrasing in this poem could be improved. A lot of times, things would flow a lot more easily if you just tinkered with a couple lines.
"Made everyone sick of his stupid command
Oh how I wish we could beat that heartless typical evil man"
could easily be changed to:
"Made everyone sick of his stupid command
How I wish we could beat that heartless man"
and it would still have the same effect.
Overall, I really like this! Thank you for writing!
Hi ILoveBooks123!
Welcome to YWS. Hope you are enjoying your time here. This is my first review in 5 months so just tell me if I make any mistakes in this review.
I like your poem a lot but you have made a few mistakes. I will tell you mistakes you made so you can improve them.
1. Who is the fiend in the poem.
2."They fight for the million bucks" maybe change "buck" into dollars or something like that since "bucks" is more of a slang word.
3."The food we take make me not so good" maybe change the line into "The food we eat makes me feel bad"or "The food we take makes my tummy feel bad".
4."What this man think he will hated by his evil mind" maybe you might wanna rephrase that line.
5."we should help each other kind" add a capital to the start of that line and maybe change the word "kind" to "kindly".
6."The girl who protect herself from the outcast lad" try "protected".
7."The party boy who help the Lonely Goth to continue on her match" change the starting to "The party boy who helped the the Lonely Goth".
8. Maybe add more to these lines "The Queen Bee do anything for the biggest stash" "Goody Good Girl and Bad Boy do right and Wrong" "Opposite Attraction I might add I see".
9."The Spirit hat the guy give us from above" I don't know what you are trying to say here.
10."We Still a big Family here" try adding more words to make it proper so "We still are a big family here" would be a bit more better.
11."Never lave a single person there" typo here.
Other than these mistakes this sounds like an emotional poem.