Published May 27, 2011
A/N - I haven't written in a while, so I'm really rusty.
Tear it apart, please.
April 21, 2009
You always told me to keep a diary. Something about keeping track of important events, but I always just responded by saying I didn’t need to since I didn’t have the memory of a goldfish like you.
Where are you?
You told me you’d never leave me.
Even when the doctors said the tumor was too big to cut, you said you’d fight it. And we both knew you would win. You always did.
You promised me you’d come back. And, you always kept your promises.
You will come back, right?
I know you will.
April 22, 2009
Your funeral was today.
It’s been a whole day since that heart monitor stopped.
It was so hard to get through a whole day without talking to you. I don’t know how to function without you.
But, I’ll stay strong, I promise. I will be here when you return.
April 23, 2009
Dear Browneyes,
I named my diary after you. I remember your eyes. Those endless depths; I would always get so lost in them. You always insisted they were black and you’d get that pout every time I disagreed – even though they were just a very dark brown – and you’d get mad.
But, then I’d hold you and you’d melt into my arms, like you always did.
When are you coming back, love? I miss you.
April 29, 2009
Dear Browneyes,
I haven’t had time to write in this lately. I don’t know how you managed to write every day. I just don’t have that kind of talent or dedication, I guess.
But, I promise you, love, I’ll keep track of everything important that happens until you return.
I went to work for the first time since you died today. Everyone seemed really sorry for me, but I don’t really understand why. I know you’ll come back. They just don’t seem to understand.
May 4, 2009
Dear Browneyes,
Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.
You always were surprised that I remembered it.
But, how could I ever forget the best day of my life?
You’ll never guess what happened today, love. I went to the Hunky Dory, just like our first date, and my waitress was Amy.
You remember her, don’t you? Of course you do, you guys were nearly inseparable – I was surprised you didn’t bring her on our dates.
We talked for a bit – she seems to be the only one who understands that you haven’t left me and you will come back. She even wished me happy anniversary.
May 8, 2009
Dear Browneyes,
I went out again with Amy today – she said she had a crush on me, but she knows I don’t reciprocate.
I can’t cheat on you like that – I mean, how would it look if you came back and I was roaming around with a different girl?
I could never do that to you, love.
I’ll wait for you – I promise.
July 17, 2009
Dear Browneyes,
I saw you today. It was only for a split second, but you were still there.
Amy and I were at an Evanescence concert, listening to your favorite song, My Immortal.
She mentioned you and I turned and – just for a second – Amy disappeared and it was you again.
You whispered the words “be happy” to me.
But, how can I be happy without you, love?
You are my happiness. And I will be happy again when you come back. Really.
November 18, 2009
Dear Browneyes,
I think about Amy a lot.
Not nearly as much as you or even with the same passion, but I do like her.
I don’t think I’m in love with her. Not even close to the same way I love you. And, she understands that.
She knew you and she knows what we had have.
Yet, she accepts that. And, maybe we don’t have love, but we do have friendship.
And, maybe that’s enough.
April 21, 2010
Dear Browneyes,
It’s been a whole year since you died and I still miss you just like the first day.
Amy and I have been dating for six months now.
I think I love her. I’ll never love her the way I love you.
And, I’m definitely not in love with her. But, she’s my best friend and she was yours.
And, any connection I have with you is one that I’ll cherish forever.
May 4, 2010
Dear Browneyes,
Amy and I got married today – on our anniversary.
Others think we rushed it since we’ve only been dating six months, but they don’t understand that we don’t need time.
I’m not in love with her the way I was with you – the passion, the fire – isn’t there.
Now, it's more like a dim flame of warmth and comfort that we provide each other and that will have to be enough.
I just wish I could see you one more time to make sure I’m doing the right thing, though.
June 19, 2010
Dear Browneyes,
You’re still watching over me, aren’t you?
I can feel you when I cook that pasta you love, or Amy and I listen to some of your CDs.
I dreamt about you today.
Amy and I were holding hands in the Hunky Dory and you were across the room smiling.
I still miss you, sweetheart.
Please come back.
I’d do anything to see you just one more time.
July 27, 2010
Dear Browneyes,
We found out that Amy’s pregnant today.
I can’t even believe it.
I don’t know what else to even write – I’m so in shock.
But, it’s an important day for me, and I know you’d want to know about it.
April 29, 2011
Dear Browneyes,
Amy had her baby today, but it was born a little late, so we haven’t actually seen it yet.
I’m so excited to finally have a family of my own.
They say the baby’s life is in danger, but I know you’ll take care of everything for me. Like a personal guardian angel.
May 1, 2010
Dear Browneyes,
I knew you would come back.
No one else believed me, but I knew.
Amy has green eyes and I have blue.
Yet, Leslie, our baby has brown black ones.
Just like yours.
I love you so much, sweetheart and I knew you would come back to me.
And, I promise you, this time nothing will take you away from me.
Cancer, heartattacks, nothing.
I promise.
You, me, and Amy.
We’re finally one big happy family.
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140,885 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Flute <3
While I think this was written beautifully and I love the voice of your poor MC, I can't help but agree with Snoink on several points. Namely, how does he not see getting remarried and having a child with another woman cheating, if he's still so in love with Browneyes? And again, what was the depth of his relationship with Browneyes? What was it that made him so devoted to her?
I feel very sorry for Amy, especially if she's aware of her husband's attachment to his dead wife. In this, I find the story to be depressing. Not the fact that the MC's wife died and he missed her, but the fact that he's in such denial about the loss of her that he can't even say he feels passionately about his current wife. See what I'm saying? Basically, I feel bad for Amy rather than the narrator.
The ending confused me. It was a good idea honestly, though it could've definitely been executed better. The way it's written it seems like the baby is a reincarnation of the wife, and the MC even refers to her that way. It's weird because we know that he has passionate feelings about his dead lover, and it seems like he has those same feelings for his daughter now (since she's the same person). But I don't need to say this since Snoink and Gryphon have said it already, just so's you know that the ending can be interpreted in a bad way (unfortunately).
In order to avoid the misinterpretation in the future, I'd just suggest reading through your story one last time when you're finished, but with a completely objective mind. Like they say in my journalism class, "Read it as if you haven't already edited and read through it 500 times." That way you can catch things that might make a sweet story sour.
<3
Megan
Ello! Let me just say that I LOVE this story! It was so sweet and sad that I almost cried. I also like how you told it through a diary, very creative. Bravo! LOL.
Awwwhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! So cute!!!! Emotion was weaved into every word; I almost started crying. It's so beautiful!
At first I thought it was a girl writing, but then Amy came and.. lol it was kind of clarified, so maybe clarify it a little more?
This part, right here, is. so. perfect. Great job!
i really really really like this story i thought that it was so sad but that is what made it good!!! i realllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this. hey check out my storys to!!!!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LUV IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey there! I reallllllly enjoyed this though there were a few minor problems. Like someone said, you shouldve stated whether or not it was a girl or guy, im thinking guy haha. But yea. Great detail and it was really a great story! Keep writing!!
i LOVED IT!!!!! no, seriously! it was THAT good!!!! of course it's a short story, but, i still think you should give more detail, it's like hanging a bone in front of a dog, the bone is nice and all, but what that dong REALLY want's is a nice, bug, juicy, meaty steak!!!!!!! I’m that dog, i don't want the 'bare minimum' i want a story i can sink my teeth into! then again, that's why i don't spend too much time in the 'short story' Colum!
heh.....
I loved it! Such a sad sweet story. I didn't think it was a bit creepy. It was an easy read and well written.
The only thing that I was a little confused on about was how old the guy was. I'm reading along and I'm thinking this is an older guy and all of a sudden Amy is pregnent and I'm like "Huh????"
But other than that I really liked it.
My favorite part is when he says the little girl has brown eyes then corrects himself and says black eyes. It had just the right touch of sweetness in it.
Keep writing. ~Dragongirl
It was good, but could have used more details. It was like a couple-sentence-per-entry every month or so. It also sounded as if he were obsessed with her or something of the sorts because of the way he speaks about her. Again, though it was good.
i totally got carried away. Geez!
i wish i can read more of your stories in the future ahead.
good luck!
So I wish that I was Browneyes...or Amy...either one really.
Nitpick alert.
All those spaces REALLY threw me off. At first I was bored and thought "this belongs in poetry." But then as I continued to read I WAS HOOKED. I just really don't like how much spacing there is because I think it not only makes the format seem like a poem but it also takes away from the story. I also couldn't tell what lines went where really. I found myself wondering at points, "okay, are we still in the diary or is this external of that?" I think the best thing to do would be get rid of all the spaces except between each entry.
Also, this part: "Something about keeping track of important events, but I always just responded by saying I didn’t need to since I didn’t have the memory of a goldfish like you. " In my opinion you need some re-wording, I found myself stumbling over it.
You have some great movement in your story. We see the main character changing, which is great. And it has, as all short stories should, a GREAT twist at the end. The whole time you have us thinking that this guy is INSANE, talking about seeing the dead wife and that she will "come back" but then SHE DOES. (No lie, I was clapping) Snaps for you.
I was a little confused, until about half way in, whether the narrator was male or female, so you may want to clarify.
Overall, I think you could expand so much on this, turn it in to a book even.
PLEASE let me know if you edit/re-post, because I would love to read it again!
-RL
Hi.
You guys are all amazing.
Just sayin'.
I'm going to try and fix my mistakes soon enough.
Also, in general, I've tried to thank everyone personally for the reviews and likes, but I've been busy for the past 2 days, so if I didn't thank you, I'm sorry...
You're still awesome and I still love you^^
This story was so beautiful. It almost made me cry. You had so much depth and emotion attached to every diary entry. I loved the beginnning it was my faveorite. It made me mad to see him move on but also happy, I guess that's the way brown eye's felt too. You didnt provide to much information or too little about his life before she died. This story was good. Make a second one, I'll be a fan. (;
Adoringly yours,
-Madison Lowe
I absolutely loved this! I actually felt the emotion rolling off of this piece! You did have a few mistakes and you repeated some words a lot, but I barely noticed. Great job! Keep writing!
sunxkissedxme
Congrats on the thirty >one< likes! You totally deserve it! I'm honestly not much of a romance person, but this was a really cute story! Since to many people have commented for me to do a real review I'll just share some of my opinions.
~The whole creepy thing? I didn't really notice it until Snoiky pointed it out. Nobody out of YWS will proabaly notice, especially the romantics. Honestly, it's probably just our over tuned reviewing senses.
~I agree with those who said Diary=Female. I would rename it and call it a Journal. Journal's remaind me more of something a guy would do. Less readers thoughts would go immediatley to female after calling it a journal. Just my opinion, but I would certainly consider it.
~ This is a very short-and-sweet with choppy words trying to convey emotion. I like those kinds of stories and you did good for the most part. My issue comes in with your word choice. Try adding some "salsa words"- more interesting nad visual words. That way you can keep your short and choppy, full of emotion feel AND convey the right amount of imagery.
I liked it alot! You did pretty good for rusty.
I'm in tears. Or maybe that's because I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions lately. Who knows?
But that's beside the point.
I absolutely loved this. It was adorable.
I agree with HorsebackWriter in terms that it's crucial to clarify the gender in the beginning.
And also, I think maybe a little comparison between Amy and his "brown-eyed sweetheart" wouldn't hurt when we're first introduced to her.
Also, even though it's a short story and the pace is fairly rapid, don't be afraid of three-four sentence paragraphs (not regulary, of course, otherwise you'll interupt the flow). Just don't be afraid to risk it.
Thank you for a gorgeous read.
-Madz
Overall, I think I do like it. Especially the part where you describe her eyes- my favorite. But one thing you missed was clarity. It was like half of the diary when I knew the gender of the writer. Plus, with the fact that girls are more probable to have diaries than boys, it strengthens the belief of the readers that the writer is a boy in the first place.
Another, please try to be realistic, why would a married man be writing in a diary? It just makes no sense! Plus, he wrote "Dear Brownyeyes," he's a man who had 2 wives for crying out loud!
I completely loved this. The fact that through the whole story he seemed a little crazy just adds to the greatness of it. I think though that even though this could have turned out creppy it was very soft, and sweet at the end. The fact that he thinks the love of his life (I'm going to call her Jill) has now incarnated into his kid was odd at first. But you have to think about it. If he is crazy, or just desperate to hold onto a part of Jill, you can't think in a rational way. I don't think he means anything weird twords his kid but that he will love her just as strongly, but in a fatherly way. And the fact that the baby has "Black" eyes may be a sign that Jill accepts his being with Amy. Or that Jill really did help the baby and a part of her was there in put into the baby forever.
I really enjoyed this peice and hope to see more!
Forever, Writer.
Hey there! Walker here, with a review, as requested!
Alright so, it appears most of the nit-picks are taken care of, so lets jump to the overall!
Overall:
This had a very lovely concept which was interesting and quick to read. I enjoyed the refreshing, almost fluffiness about it that emotionally could connect to anyone, whether or not they ever lost someone physically. We all must lose something or someone in our lives, so you really captured the emotion of denial and not wanting to believe in what is gone.
But there are a few things that might need to be looked at.
First of all, you diction was very bland. I know this was diary entries, but the sentence structure was short and choppy, the paragraphs were merely two sentences long often enough, and the entirety of the piece, even though it spanned over years, took me maybe a whole of five minutes to read. I love that you were inspired to write and its amazing that you can come back and enjoy it, but in this case, I want to see you start pushing out more quality sentences instead of the mere simple. This person, whose eyes you are in, could easily be an analytical person.
And if you want to go for someone who doesn't have much time, have long entries then short ones like those. Long ones for the days of which he had little to nothing to do, or short ones for the times he was busy with life. I want to see some variants. I want to see you really strive for a believable narrative and an interesting, impressive read.
Secondly, I would like to touch on the cliche. There was a lot in here that didn't really appeal to me in an original sense. Everything, I know, comes across as being cliche in some manner, but we cut this out by having our own styles and twists and characters that make it our own. We, as writers, need style. Because the diction was simple and the characterization was a little on the 'not really there' side, I didn't get much of the style but more of the impatience of someone who really wanted to get an idea down. So, cut out some of the cliche by being a little more you.
Thirdly, I want to touch up on gender. There is nothing in your characterization that could mean this guy wasn't a girl. In this day and age, its not uncommon for a girl to be married to a girl or in love with a girl, even in fiction. In fact, for the first half of this narrative, I was almost positive that this said person was a girl speaking to a boy. It actually shocked me a little bit when I realized that maybe the position was different. So, start making your characters out to be masculine and feminine,if you don't wish to state it blatantly. There are ways to make your characters seem a little more towards one way or the other.
Other than that, I did find this piece refreshing and would love to see more from you!
~Walker
Hello there. ^_^ Congrats on the featured work!
Nitpicks:
- You shouldn't put a comma after a coordinating conjunction when it begins the sentence (like 'but') unless there's an interrupter. If you intended a pause, try using an ellipsis.
- This was cute. ^_^ xD
- Today? Didn't she die days ago already?
- I think there ought to be an 'a' before 'happy'.
- There are so many 'and's' in this sentence.
- Same thing about coordinating conjunctions.
- Same thing about coordinating conjunctions.
- Formally, we don't use strikethroughs. Maybe, you can rewrite this as something like 'and she knows what we had - no - have.' or 'what he had, no, have.'
- There should be a 'when' after 'or'. Anyway, I don't get what kind of CDs they are listening to.
- Same thing about coordinating conjunctions.
- I think it's better if there was a diary entry before this one where he talks about Amy's pregnancy.
- I think it should either be a comma or an ellipsis after 'me'.
- O.o *gasp* Impossible! Well, scientifically though.
This story is really beautiful.
Never stop writing!
W-O-W!!! It was so sweet and lovely!! I loved it!! Great job!!
Harshita:)
Not a reincarnation? D: My head just jumped to that 'cause I loved that weirdocreepy factor it gave.
MY FAVORITE SOOOO FAR !
My first time to read romance here at YWS and I really loved it...
I can feel the longing of the speaker, ! It's so good! Nice way to start my morning ... <3
The whole content, the way the speaker believed that browneyes will come back and yes she is!
and she married Amy, just like what browneyes said that he needs to be happy...
I really liked this! It's great.
It almost hurt me personally to think that he was still in love with Leslie, when he went on with his life with Amy and had a child with her.
Keep writing! :]
*sniffle* I... I so totally did NOT cry. No way T^T I'm not crying. *sniff* I just... my contact itches, that's all!! OKAY I LIED, I'M CRYING!!! T^T
Oh boy. Whoa. That was so... sweet? I don't know how to describe it! It's AWESOMESAUCE!! Oh my god, I love it :3 (even though it made me cry) Wanna know what got me?
Oh yeah. That totally got me T^T The light purple was where I started to get teary eyed, and then the dark blue was where I was full out crying!! T^T IT'S JUST SO... SOO..... DSAHjkdbndjskngbdujsiahbu XP
Also, I didn't think it was creepy AT. ALL. I thought it was super sweet and just definitely touching when the daughter's eyes were like his original lover's eyes. So sweet :3
I read it. These sods are wrong in thinking this is creepy. All being said, it was amazing and heartfelt, so much beyond the petty writing that is prevalent on this site. Keep it up!!! I swear you'll be published someday if you transfuse this kind of authenticity into a larger work such as a novel!
Thanks for all the reviews and likes, guys!(:
I didn't really mean the story in a creepy way, like at all. XD
His daughter wasn't supposed to be as much a reincarnation of the girl he loved at all. It was just meant to show that he saw his love in everyone - from Amy to his daughter.
So, yeah, I might not have conveyed that very well...
I'll definitely fix the titles and maybe lengthen the entries in general soon...
One more reason why it's good to stop for a bit and restart... rusty or not, this is better than the sorts of things that you've written before.
Okay, this may just be me and GryphonFledging, but I found this to be really, really creepy! Furthermore, I didn't really see how this could be romantic at all because there was such a big creep factor to overcome for me. Maybe I am just strange? Ugh! I mean, he seems unnaturally obsessed and he doesn't seem to be able to let go and then he sees her in his new child... ugh! I was slightly feeling when reading this, just because of how creepy it was. Like, for instance, when ever he says that he will wait for her and that he isn't cheating or whatever... I kind of want to scream and tell the character: 1) SHE'S DEAD, and 2) if you think you're waiting for her and not cheating... SHE'S DEAD.
And it's just really creepy. I am not sure why he keeps saying that he won't stop being true to her and everything, but it seems weird that he considers himself not cheating on her, yet he is marrying Amy and having children with her. Um. When is having children with someone else not cheating, if you still consider yourself as being faithful to your previous relationship?
Also, I am curious as to what Amy's deal is... why is she with this guy, if he holds her second best? Doesn't she consider it... a bit weird?
Also, what was their relationship before? (Browneyes and the man.) They were obviously lovers of some sort... but how much love was between them? Was it an unrequited love that resembled more of a friendship? Was it a relationship? Was it a marriage? Was their any children involved? That sort of thing. Basically, what was the depth of their connection?
And another thing! At the end, are we supposed to assume that this is a reincarnation thingy? That might change the whole story around... I guess I never quite thought of it that way before (haha, yay for a very Western background of looking at life!) I am not sure if that would make it better or not (it has a sort of weird father-daughter creepy relationship and I am not sure how that would work out when the girl gets older...) but yeah.
Basically, it was a very creepy story for me. O_o
Hey! This looks really good. I noticed that you used "And," a little too repetitively. Try to keep that to a minimum. You can just take the comma out. That works well! Anyway, it was suspenseful and dramatic and I really loved it. As above mentioned, I think there should be more clarity in the beginning. I was thinking it was a girl, so when Amy came in...
Yeah. Anyway, I really liked it and keep up the good work!
Very nice. Keep it up.
well said
Flooty!
I like the first sentence. It's a strong start. And the second is fine. But the third is a little meh-ish for me. I like the idea behind it, but try rephrasing. I can't put my finger on it, but maybe something a bit more before the last sentence?Seri, so I loved the raw emotion in this. I loved your portrayal of the MC. It sounded good. Onto the review:
See, this looks a lot like you're trying to tell the reader what's going on, rather than your MC's thought flow. Try to build something before you drop the C bomb. The flow from the previous line to this to the next isn't really all that solid, but that can be excused. Your MC isn't expected to be all that coherent, so.
Somehow I figured that you know, she had been gone for at least a couple of days before. I can't picture a funeral so soon.But maybe that's just me. >.>
I like that he calls her Browneyes. But won't it slip out of him to use her name? Besides, Browneyes, doesn't really seem like something you would call a loved one unless you're trying to irritate/tease that person. This is just a personal quip.
I loved May 9th! Nice entry!
This sentence seemed to border on 'telling'. Try to rephrase. Make it more personal-ish, I guess.(PS I love that song!)
It's a little weird for the daughter to be a reincarnation, but I do quite like it. Especially since you're not exploring their relation, it's good. ^^
The other thing is the amount. I like the short nature, but I would love a couple more especially in the beginning. I mean, any one who starts a diary, will write sincerely for at least 3/4 days, no? So, that way this would be more realistic.
Anyway, love that you wrote this! It was a great read. Thankyoos!
~Lava
Hey-oh! Reviewing as promised!
This kind of threw me for a loop. I mean, I'm pretty sure the girl's name wasn't "Browneyes", so maybe have "I named my diary after your eyes"? As is, it just sounds a little silly and it jogged me out of the story.
I know your character addresses it in the story itself, about how getting married after six months seems really fast to everyone and all, and I nod to the thoughtfulness to include that, but still... Between that and the constant reminders about how much the narrator still loves Browneyes, it almost sounds like denial or something.
All in all, while I like this idea and it seems really sweet on the surface, I couldn't help but be... disturbed by the end. I mean, in the end, the character really hasn't moved on, to the point where he believes his love interest has reincarnated into his current wife's baby. I mean, did she really? Or is he just imagining that. The first possibility makes this slightly less creepy (if only because it means he's not crazy... still creepy in that, well, weren't they in love? I mean, that's now his kid. The implications, intentional or not, are creepy.) but the second possibility means that he is crazy and deluded and all in all just a little messed up. I have no doubt that he loves his family but still, that's just a little weird.
Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense.
I did like this though. Maybe I just thought about it too hard. XD
Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!
~GryphonFledgling
it was said, very sad. I think that emotion was weaved into your words.
You said rip it apart so here goes. One small typo, you got one of the years wrong. It says 2010, it should be 2011. Also, could it kill ya to give it more detail?!? I get that it's a short story but still, even for a short story it's a little to short. Try making the diary entries longer or adding more entries to it. Other than that I didn't see anything wrong and I liked it very much.
Oaaaaawwweeeehalallallentalwla325a 3523j;51iuawefj This was amazing-sauce!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must admit, it was like an amazing book I couldn't put down. Ever word was suspensful, except for the last one.I felt like you started it just the right way, except maybe you should have let us know sooner that they were married...and maybe let us know it's a guy?!? I'm thinking, Diary=girl, so...wait, girl going out with amy? Just a little clarity at the beginning. Great job, really liked it.